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My Recovery Story... Version 2.0
By Gondor44646
1/21/2010 9:08:30 PM
This is a Refresh of my history... It's kind of just a repeat, but just for giggles...

I hope you don't mind me talking about my history. My problem started with Masturbation back when I was about 13 years old. I was ill informed at that time, and I fell to curiosity. I realized that this habit forming activity was difficult to stop and at that time I could not. I quickly learned though that the church condoned this behavior. I confessed to my bishop. I believe my first bishop did all the right things, but perhaps I felt strongly discouraged at that time. Later on I was able to talk to my parents too, but for some reason instead of feeling uplifted and hopeful, I felt depressed hopeless and helpless.

This problem became a degrading and defeating event for me, even to the point that I was zapped of all self-confidence and worth. I tried over and over again, reading scriptures, praying, blessings... I'm not saying these did not help, but everything happened for it's purpose. As I look back to these times I believe I failed to recognized the atonement and the love the Jesus Christ had for me. I was determined to save myself without the help of Christ. I think my first bishop may have became a little bit confused on why I kept crashing, I was confused too.

My bishop suggested that I pray for the desire to not masturbate. He kept telling me that I needed to stop or else I would be 16 years old and still having this problem... “Ok bishop, Stop Michael, Stop!! Why will you not stop! What's wrong with you!?”. I became convinced that I could not stop, and that I was a worthless animal that couldn't control himself. I came to believe that my sexuality was bad and evil, yet it was the only thing I depended upon for love, loneliness, stress, depression... etc. I wasted several years not taking the sacrament nor participating in the temple because of my problem.

The worlds view did not help me. I'm sure you know what the world thinks. They don't think masturbation is a problem, they'll even say that most if not all young men do it. These attitudes absolutely hurt me, however it was not until later that I realized the only reason that I allowed the world to bother me was because I was jealous ((strange isn't it?)). My parents tried helping me by giving me a counselor. Back then I believed on the church's standards, but I still wasn't sure exactly why masturbation was a sin. Today I know obviously... but when I talked to my first counselor he must have not known that I believed masturbation was wrong and that I didn't want it as a part of my life. In the end it didn't help. He told me that it was perfectly ok and normal. I built this belief that all man were sexually doomed and hororable creatures. ((better said that we were all doomed by sin)). There were many men in my life so far that seemed to prove that statement. My biological dad ((Ex-mormon)) tried talking to my about masturbation. To say the least he goes along with the world's view and it simple made everything worse.

I had a difficult time in high school. Some good things though. I was really good with computers. At this time I had not yet had a problem with Pornography. My problem still depressed me, but it wasn't until later that I associated a stupid Anime Cartoon with Pornography. This TV show was not inherently bad, but any creative idea in the world can be used for such evil. My knowledge of computers made it imposable for the internet to be controlled. The very fact that the internet was being broadcasted wirelessly from different neighbors didn't help at all. Even after all the attempts and monitoring software, I was so dependent upon my problem that all attempts failed. I continued to promise and commit to myself that I would not look at pornography again and that I would turn off every computer. But when the time came and when the situation was real I fell trapped to the addiction cycle. Around and around promise, crash, promise, crash, promise crash...

Comments:

My Recovery Story... Version 2.0 .... Part 2    
"I became so depressed that I failed several classes. The kids in my Cisco Computer Networking class would make fun of pornography, laugh and rehearse their immoral behaviors. And when I was confronted by my peers I would turn pale, hurt and scared... What was I to say? That I believe Masturbation and pornography to be wrong, but I franticly do it too... I wanted to stop. I was miserable. I didn't like how I was abusing and using myself. I hated myself. If I could have just stopped then I would have. This problem, this habit had formed an addiction. At one point I even considered suicide... Luckily I was way to much of a coward to consider doing that. I thought I was the natural man, and that there was no spiritual man. I couldn't understand how I could control the natural man and use him for good via the spiritual man. I would spend the next couple of years battling my problem.

It wasn't until I started the LDS Addiction Recovery program along with a new counselor and a new bishop that I was able to realize successes. The first day I came in like a dead fish. I admitted my problem quickly, but I was convinced that I was damned and God hated me, or was at least disappointed that I was unable after several years to stop my problem. It took me awhile to realize that my sexuality was not necessary wrong or evil, but that I needed to bridle my passions, and that my sexuality can be used for a type of love in marriage along with a family. Love VS. Lust. It was very difficult for me to understand how anything sexual could be loving. Today I think I understand... but I might have moments like this. My counselor was accepting of my beliefs, and he helped put things back in perspective for me. My bishop helped me attack my problem indirectly. The truth was the powerful feelings associated with my problem were to difficult to attack head on. I came to a point where even though I wanted to masturbate, I did not need to.

The final turning point came when I realized the atonement of Jesus Christ and the unconditional love he has for all of his children. I was making very small progress with my problem... maybe only 1 week free... 19 years old, finally I had cracked, I fell to the floor and cried. “Why did you do this to my God? Why can I not stop this? Do you like to see me miserable? Why do it seem like all males are like this? Why do you care?” I was mad, confused, upset, depressed, miserable... Hell... whatever. The next day however I was humbled I fell down and cried again. I told God how I felt...“God... I feel hororable... I feel doomed... I feel like an animal... everybody keeps telling me that you love me and that I can repent. I don't understand... but if there is any way you could love me...........”

I did not have a dream... No I didn't have anything special, but I was comforted... and this is the way I try to describe it.

A sinful carnal creature... but still one thing, his agency. He kneels down and cries... and bages for his creator. Instead of whining and complaining, instead of depressed hopelessness, Michael tells his God how he feels and how incredibly sad it makes him feel the way he is. And at that moment... a dream, little kid Michael not worthy he thinks to appear in-front of Christ. Despite the deepest desires of his heart, and the sadness he had experienced. He tried and failed, skimpered and cried as he ran from what appeared to be the savior himself. And at that moment when he thought all was lost he was held up by the Son Of God. The God had loved him for exactly what he was, a human, a child of God.......

It was at that moment when I was able to let go of trying to save myself and allow God to help me. I was ready to overcome the natural man, through my will in God's hand, I was part natural man but I didn't have to act like one... This and the help of LDSAR, My bishop, God, and my counselor. Just about 6 months ago I have finally been able to overcome my problem. During that time of great success I have felt a love and a feeling of hope that is so indescribable... that it is... um... indescribable. I finally realized that I don't have to masturbate!?!?!? The internet completely surrounded me, but I didn't have to look at pornography. It was like a huge storm that overwhelmed me, but I brought my coat with me. It became a reality when I started to gain months of being clear. I had a few slip ups here and there, but instead of feeling defeated I bounced right back up knowing and hoping of being clear.

I learned so much while having this problem. It hurt. It still hurts. I don't know if God purposefully gave me this problem, but I know that I have this problem. Behold Either Ch. 12 Verse 27 ” And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

...

I have experience a recovery and I know that it is possible and I make myself accountable to it. I wish I knew back then what I know now. But the past is the past... I'm sure there is more... but that is all...

Gondor
…"
posted at 21:09:13 on January 21, 2010 by Gondor44646
My Recovery Story... Version 2.0... Part 3    
"One day I intend to be free from my problem. One of my greatest goals that has truly been on my mind is to be a loving father with sons of my own. No I don't mind daughters : ) . I just hope one day I can talk to my sons... Or my kids in general. If they ever have this problem I know I can be a great help. I also want my patriarchal blessing!! I've been wanting that forever! I so desperately want to know more about myself and what my purpose is. I also want to go on a mission... I needed to understand and apply the atonement in my life first though. It is kind of hard to go on a mission when you are not sure how the gospel blesses your life.

Today I am glad that I am finally understanding. I want to get through school. High school was horrible, I barley got my diploma. My first semester at Stark State College was horrible, I dropped out. Now I am here at LDSBC, the classes I am taking are perfect for helping me get back up. I have had so many negative feelings about myself that even if I could do well, I will not.

Right now I'm doing ok in school. In the future I would hope to be at BYU Idaho finishing a degree in the computer field... It is very difficult for me to be around girls. I don't know what to say or do with them. Somehow I wish to be married in the temple, I've got to find a deep understanding of love and charity first though. To be a loving man, and a worthy priesthood holder... That would be great!"
posted at 09:47:48 on January 22, 2010 by Gondor44646
Answer to my prayers    
"Wow!!! Thank you so much! You were an answer to my prayers! I love to hear your accomplishments. I too have had problems with mb since I have been 7, I am 18 now. I didn't know it was wrong until I was 14 and my that point I couldn't stop. Every since then it has been CRAZY hard. Some days it is fine and other days I fall back and feed that appetite and can't stop. Just by reading this it gives me hope.I really do know where you are coming from and I hope that someday I can also be where you are and fight off this addiction, or at least not give in. Thank you so very much for sharing your experience. It meant a lot to me!"
posted at 09:55:52 on January 25, 2010 by helpme
: )    
": )"
posted at 10:02:35 on January 25, 2010 by Gondor44646


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" Is it possible to reclaim a life that through reckless abandon has become so strewn with garbage that it appears that the person is unforgivable? Or what about the one who is making an honest effort but has fallen back into sin so many times that he feels that there is no possible way to break the seemingly endless pattern? Or what about the person who has changed his life but just can't forgive himself?The Atonement of Jesus Christ is available to each of us. His Atonement is infinite. It applies to everyone, even you. It can clean, reclaim, and sanctify even you. That is what infinite means—total, complete, all, forever. "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006