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By Gondor44646
1/19/2010 7:14:06 PM
I'm having a horrible day. I don't know what it is, but I hope God will save my soul. I failed last night, maybe around 2 am, and then again at 7 am. I had 83 days clear. I know I always say how I hate how I always talk about my problem, but it has been the theme to my life so... Whatever.

I'm 20 years old, I'm at LDSBC taking some classes. Most of the classes are pretty good. I tested out of a computer apps class. Yay me. I didn't go to class today. Mother would freak. But I'm having a episode and it is what it is. It's this kind of stuff that makes it difficult for me to talk to her. I was going to stay home to get my homework done that I didn't do the night before. Instead I undervolted my laptop and played games. Yeah I know I'm an idiot. I feel very sad and stupid. I didn't really have that much homework, but know that I have missed a day of school I'm sure that will make things more difficult.

I tried to escape my problem. I blogged here begging for help and support. I'm glad Summer was there, and I almost escaped my problem. I eventually knocked on the door of the room next to me. The kids next door invited me in. They were watching some kind of internet TV. I don't know what the TV show was, but it was filled with nothing but sex. Literally every episode had something to do with sex. The world is obsessed about sex. And these were the mormon kids next door. Yeah... that didn't help anything... Maybe I am the wrong one. Maybe I needed to just give up, give in, and act natural like these young men. Is this really what sex is? I really don't want anything to do with it if it is this debasing. Regardless of it's good use, it seems quite impossible. That and now I have to recover from my relapse. I'm still feeling all the negative views that accompany this failure. I wish I could see myself as pure and clean. I wish my will and actions would be that of a clean and pure person. I wish this carnal sensual being would be wiped from me. I wish I can be loving and feel love. I wish I could feel. I wish I could protect my emotional intimacy.

I don't want to remain miserable. I was able to stay clear for 83 days, which is also a new record. During those days I didn't have to worry about if I was unworthy or disgusting. I didn't think about how bad I could be, but how good I felt. I will email my new bishop. I hope there is a new Addiction Recovery group here.

Comments:

Gondor,    
""Relax. I almost skipped classes today as well, and now I wish I had because we didn't do anything at all. Missing classes at the beginning of a semester just isn't a very big deal. The important thing is to buckle down and work hard before your first round of tests. So stop worrying about missing class today and focus instead on doing better in the future.

I'm sorry to hear about what the kids next door were watching on TV, but I have to say that I'm not surprised at all. LDS or not, young men tend to gravitate towards sexually stimulating entertainment. I guess that's just the way it is. I deal with that all the time in my own apartment because of the TV programs my roommates watch, so I generally spend very little time at the apartment. One of the awesome benefits of staying away from the TV and the internet is that you get tons of time to pursue other interests like joining a club, going to the gym, hanging out with friends, going to tons of recovery groups, hiking, reading, studying in the library, etc.

By the way, congratulations on 83 days! I think that's exactly as far as I got last time. You just went farther than you've ever gone before! You're doing so well, even though you've slipped again. Pick yourself back up and keep moving forward.

Finding a support group should be extremely easy, since you're at LDSBC. Here's a link that might help you get started:

< http://providentliving.org/content/list/0,11664,4177-1,00.html >

I wouldn't be surprised if you could find a group within half a mile from where you live. Good luck with your new Bishop. Since you're probably in a singles ward, I'm sure he'll know exactly how to help a young man with a pornography problem.

I'm praying for you, Gondor. Don't lose hope.""
posted at 22:12:56 on January 19, 2010 by ETTE
Gondor-    
"Thanks for coming back and blogging how you are doing. I'm sorry you're not feeling good right now.

I wish I was better trained in the recovery process...I didn't know the right things to say. This pornography thing is so confusing to me. I wish I could make it all go away. I'm so sorry you are struggling.

I want you to know that I admire you. You have come such a long way.

My prayers are still with you."
posted at 13:08:57 on January 20, 2010 by summer
Thank you Summer!    
"You did all that you could. And you did great... Ironically I don't think I understand this pornography thing either... It absolutely confuses me why I would do that to my own body all for the sake of pleasure!??? It is almost as strange as a smoker killing themselves with Cigarettes... Oh Wait!...- sigh It is all for an escape"
posted at 16:45:25 on January 21, 2010 by Gondor44646
Oh... and Ette    
"Oh, and thank you too Ette! I was able to find the nearest recovery group on my own thanks to that link. I didn't know the church good like that."
posted at 16:46:39 on January 21, 2010 by Gondor44646
HURRAH!    
"Gondor...We are on your team.

The opposition scored--once or twice in the last few days.

But you scored for 83 straight days. The way I see it, our team--the one where you are captain--is 83-2 in the last 85 battles.

HURRAH!!

So, don't worry about it. You know it was wrong. We know it was wrong. Now don't beat yourself up. EVERYONE makes mistakes. They don't all make the same kind of mistakes that we do, but they still have problems.

I'm not trying to excuse you (or me) from having problems. But I AM trying to say we shouldn't freak out about the fact that we are not perfect. That is what the atonement is for. The atonement is still there for you--and all of us.

So, CONGRATULATIONS on a great winning streak. Now you lost...just like Colt McCoy did a couple weeks ago. Now get up, and keep going. Start another winning streak. Look for the positive in your game, and LEARN from the negative."
posted at 15:01:25 on January 22, 2010 by BeClean


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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987