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Still being stupid.
By shadow
1/17/2010 6:26:31 PM
I haven't written here for a while but I figure I might as well. I unfortunately haven't been making much progress. This week I guess I've been able to go two nonconsecutive days without mb. Most of the time it's once a day, everyday, never more thank goodness. It makes me feel so guilty and discouraged.

After months of prodding from my friend I finally confessed to my bishop. It turned out to not be as horrifying experience as I thought. It seemed his one of his focus' was making sure I didn't feel like a horrible person as I had expressed. I still do but I guess it is a good motivation. Someday I could actually be a good person, someday I can actually goto the temple again. I can still take the sacrament.

He did tell me that it will probably take years for me to completely overcome this problem. He mentioned attending ARP meetings but with school and the fact that my dad would flip if he knew I can't. So he said he would just meet with me and discuss the steps once in a while. Over all it was a good experience. It had been about a month and he hasn't followed up with me yet however.

Anyway forgive my rambling :)

Comments:

Know how it feels    
"I am experiencing the same exact thing. I have been mbing since I wa seven! Its horrible and so hard! It makes me feel like a horrible person. I know that this is the true church and that I am a daughter of God, but I feel SO horrible all the time! I wish I could say more to help you...just know that I am there too. You are not the only one."
posted at 20:20:11 on January 17, 2010 by helpme
This is Good    
"Great! I'm very glad to hear that you talked to your bishop. I still constantly email my old bishop.

It's like driving a car. Cars can be a pretty bad thing when you are drunk, or if you are driving recklessly. Or cars can be a very good thing that helps us get to A to B. Our Sexuality can be a very good thing that helps love in marriage and creates families. Or it can be a very bad thing that destroys marriages and even the very self. Acknowledging the good hopeful use of it helps a lot more than the bad. We are not bad because of it, but we need to learn how to use it for the good. Almost like a student driver... Except we are not allowed to drive yet...

I read some of your old post Shadow. There is one thing that is stuck on my mind. I know my sin has been an evil friend. However... I HATE THE SIN OF MASTURBATION!!! ... cough... sorry... I know masturbation is not the end of the world. There is a sad despairing hopeless feeling associated with it, but the Devil tries to make us feel like crap, when in reality our God supports us with hope and love. But I just wish it was possible back then to understand my sexuality enough to not fall down to curiosity. I wish I never had that problem.

It can take all levels of time to stop. Depends on the person, but it has taken many years for me. But I know it is worth it. The pure virtuous feeling of knowing that we don't abuse ourselves makes me feel good."
posted at 21:59:55 on January 17, 2010 by Gondor44646
Value of Meetings    
"Hey Shadow, question. What makes you say your dad would "flip" if he knew? Of course, I don't know your dad, but I know lots of loving parents (I am one). If your dad loves you, chances are he'll still love you when you admit you are struggling, and he'll be sad for you, but he'll want to help. Parents can be disappointed when we make mistakes that cause us pain, but most of the time, parents just want to help. Sometimes they don't know how, but that doesn't mean they don't want to.

I know I didn't want to go to addiction recovery meetings for a long time. I thought other people there would judge me, until I suddenly realized that they were all going to be there for similar reasons. Who are they--and who am I--to judge? What is someone going to say--"I saw BeClean at an addiction recovery meeting"? That's like my three-year-old saying, "Dad, AJ had his eyes open during the prayer."

But I don't think I really wanted to go to meetings until I had hit rock bottom. I had tried and tried to overcome my favorite sins on my own, but I kept coming back. I had done so many stupid things, I knew if I kept going I would certainly throw away my salvation. I thought it was impossible for me to ever get out. Only when I was truly debased and humbled, ready to admit that I was completely powerless, was I able to go to meetings.

And my life has been better ever since. I never could have done it alone. I needed God, and I needed others. The atonement is amazing, and I am so grateful for its power to set me free."
posted at 23:50:27 on January 17, 2010 by BeClean
titles are dumb    
"Well when I was a kid and I'd have nocturnal emissions, he would get mad at me."
posted at 08:27:55 on January 18, 2010 by shadow
Try fasting This Week    
"Focus on something positive you can do. Fast for 24 hours this week, and see how much stronger you feel with your MB problem. Fasting brings the spirit which will change you from the inside out. Just trying to quit the action is an attempt to change from the outside in. That way takes longer and is much more frustrating.
Its what works for me.
Don't get down on yourself, God doesn't!!!!"
posted at 15:28:23 on January 18, 2010 by daneadams
Thanks for the answer    
"Mad at you for nocturnal emissions, huh? That stinks. I wonder what he was thinking. What were you supposed to do? I wish I could talk to someone like that and ask, "So...you got mad at your kid for having nocturnal emissions. Why?" I just wonder what they would say."
posted at 18:44:38 on January 18, 2010 by BeClean


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"I will speak briefly of the principle of repentance. How grateful I am for the understanding we have of this great principle. It is not a harsh principle, as I thought when I was a boy. It is kind and merciful. The Hebrew root of the word means, simply, "to turn," or to return, to God. Jehovah pled with the children of Israel: "Return . . . and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful . . . and I will not keep anger for ever. Only acknowledge thine iniquity, that thou hast transgressed against the Lord thy God." When we acknowledge our sins, confess them and forsake them, and turn to God, He will forgive us."

— Richard G. Hinckley

General Conference April 2006