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new years resolution
By adrastos
1/6/2010 3:01:52 PM
Its been awhile since I've been on here. I have a new years resolution, but you can't guess what it is.

But I'm finding myself already having a hard time. Do you ever feel like you just hear the same stuff over and over again here? That's how I feel about my life, like I just keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

Last month I started messing up again and I wasn't telling my wife, again. Finally I told her when she asked. She asked several times, because deep down she knows when I'm messing up anyway. I finally told her that I had been and that I had been lying to her for the last month. Why is it so hard to tell the truth about this addiction??

But when I'm being honest with my wife I find it easier to resist. So, here's my new year resolution. To be honest with my wife. Oh, and to be clean too of course.

Comments:

I believe in you    
"You can be honest, Adrastos. It might be painful, but you'll find a way to tell the truth every time. Staying clean is a little more complicated, but I think it will naturally follow once you have the honesty part down. I know that's been the case for me at least.

Keep it up, bro. You're in my prayers."
posted at 13:29:46 on January 7, 2010 by ETTE
the best policy    
"It has been hard. The temptation to lie about my sins is so great. But I messed up last week and I came clean with my wife about it. It was really hard and I almost had myself talked out of it. But I'm less likely to mess up when I'm being honest with her."
posted at 10:56:03 on January 11, 2010 by adrastos
You Can Do It    
"Sometimes living with addiction can feel like Groundhog's Day (the movie with Bill Murray where he wakes up and relives the same day again and again), but just like at the end of the movie it is possible to have a new tomorrow. Don't buy into Satan's lie that this is just always going to be a part of your life and there isn't anything you can do about it.

Confessing to a spouse is difficult and embarrassing, but it's one of the most helpful things you can do. I confessed to my wife once, and it helped me stay sober for 5 years. Sadly I relapsed afterwards, but I'm on 6+ months now and it is really helpful to be able to talk to her. She really gives me a lot of support, and when I'm tempted to act out I think of her pain and it helps me to make the right choice. Satan tries to tell you that you can keep your addictions a secret, that you're only hurting yourself. But you can't win this fight alone. Hang in there and stay strong--remember God loves you no matter what. He is bigger than your addictions, and He can help you overcome them all."
posted at 12:24:43 on January 11, 2010 by finallyfree
Need some hope    
"I was doing really well after I got married and my wife didn't know about it at all. The temptation was growing and when I finally caved I told her right away. At first it was good but then she started thinking about all the implications of it and it became very difficult for both of us. I don't blame her at all, not one bit, but she would get angry for long periods of time and I also understood it and she would never abandon me, but she was angry so much it was very hard. I was fine for a few months then I passed a few months with minimal use but without telling her, now in the last 3-4 months its been pretty bad and I haven't told her and I am so afraid to tell her I have been lying for so long. I'm beginning to feel that dishonesty is the worse sin."
posted at 15:52:04 on January 13, 2010 by Anonymous
Anonymous    
"Your story breaks my heart...it reminds me of my own story with my husband. It sounds like you are a really great guy (so is my husband) you made some mistakes that allowed Satan into your life...and bad feelings have also transferred over to your wife. I have some experience in the "anger" category. This really has been a bizarre roller coaster of emotions for me. My counselor says I'm in the stages of grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (can't wait to be in that category). I was under the impression that the stages would go directly in that order...but my counselor says it's like a star, hitting all the points at different times, and sometimes hitting multiple points at once. Your wife's anger might be ok...she has healing to do too. Imagine going from a world where something was impossible, to it now being your reality...It's hard to accept, when there was no way it could be true. You said your wife never knew when you got married...so when you told her, understand it shocked her system. I feel anger frequently, oddly enough it's not usually directed at my husband...mostly I feel anger (at the world), denial and depression (usually one directly after the other), I have a long way to go on my own recovery. Something you need to keep in mind is you both need to heal. You have an addiction...fair or not she has to deal with it too. Both processes are so hard...when you are having a hard time, keep in mind your wife is trying to be your support but she is going through her own internal battle. My husband slowly made decisions that led to this, I didn't get to "warm" up, it hit and it hit hard (that is my personal experience, maybe it applies to your wife maybe it doesn't). So it really makes sense that a process of healing needs to take place, the impossible happened and it hurts. But being here and reading that many spouses are able to be a strength to their addicted companion gives me so much hope...I have faith that Christ atoned for all of us, so that has to work on the spouse of an addict...it just takes time.

What support system does your wife have to work through her emotions? Maybe she is stuck in the anger part, I can almost guarantee that the anger is hard on her as well. I hate the sudden bursts of anger I feel...but they are a part of me until I heal, so they are a part of my husband's life...Just as his addiction is now a part of my life. We are a team...Satan is trying hard to tear us apart, but the best way to tackle this is together. I imagine my husband has moments where he wishes I never found out, and that's just because he really is a nice person that doesn't want to cause me any pain. Even though I have days where I'm so depressed I can't function, or I feel so angry I could throw a car...I still feel blessed to know what is happening and has happened in my life...I don't like what has gone on in my marriage, but being in the dark was a much worse place for me. I fear showing my husband my pain, for fear that will give him a "reason" to keep a relapse from me. Finding out in this life is much better than finding out in the next. I hope to get to a point in my own marriage where we can both be open with one another. Your wife is being real with you, anger is what she is feeling and that is what she is showing...she isn't afraid to show you what she is going through, it goes both ways. Being honest with your wife is hard, but keep in mind it's hard for her to show you the emotions she has too.

Adrastos has really great posts on which he tells of the struggle he has with telling his wife...he always comes to the conclusion that honesty is best. He, like you, is a really great guy who doesn't want to hurt someone he loves.

Come back and let us know how you are doing...we're all brothers and sisters with the same goal."
posted at 17:39:44 on January 13, 2010 by summer


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"Now brethren, the time has come for any one of us who is so involved to pull himself out of the mire, to stand above this evil thing, to “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). We do not have to view salacious magazines. We do not have to read books laden with smut. We do not have to watch television that is beneath wholesome standards. We do not have to rent movies that depict that which is filthy. We do not have to sit at the computer and play with ographic material found on the Internet."

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004