How to make restitution
By Iwillnot
12/16/2009 10:22:57 AM
I've been reading up on step 9 and I'm wondering the best way I can make restitution to my wife. She's the main person I've seen that my addiction has hurt, even if it has been indirectly. I know that by honoring the priesthood and doing the best I can to live righteously I am making restitution, but I'm wondering if anybody out there knows of something more I can do.


A few thoughts...    
"You are in a tough spot! It’s hard for both sides of this addiction. It’s very hard for my husband to grasp the pain he has caused me. I feel so sorry for the guilt he and other spouses feel. I couldn’t imagine hurting the one person I promised to protect. The fact that you are looking for ways to right this wrong is great!

A few things come to mind that my husband can do to help me…

#1 Being honest always. Finding out the truth from my husband now is much easier to swallow than finding out in the afterlife. I need him to understand the worth of my soul…I deserve to know the truth about our life, taking that away from me just isn’t alright.

#2 Don’t minimize. I feel directly impacted by my husband’s actions. I took it very seriously when we were sealed together for all eternity. Having him decide not to live a celestial life, directed impacts me. I almost committed suicide because of this…and having my husband minimize the severity of this situation only makes me feel weaker. I know it’s a hard load to carry…and I don’t want my husband to dwell on my pain, but when I am breaking down…saying things aren’t as bad as they could be, makes me feel even worse. I think my husband gets the picture now and having him try to understand my pain helps…I am so grateful for the progress he has made. I try hard not to minimize his load…he is in a hard place and I honestly feel horrible for his pain.

#3 Take recovery seriously. This is a lifelong problem…it’s something both sides need to understand. I’ll be the first to admit…I am often stuck in the denial stage…it’s hard to deal with this, sometimes my heart can’t take it.

#4 Be the spiritual leader in the home. My husband has really taken this role much more seriously since we started our recovery. He has really made sure we do scripture study, FHE, prayers, ect… That helps so much!

Those are somethings just off the top of my head. I think it's great you are looking for help!

So glad you found this site…it really is amazing, the people here are great! Keep coming back…there are people who really care about how you are doing. "
posted at 14:56:21 on December 16, 2009 by summer
Sin no more    
"That's a really good question, Iwillnot. Thanks for suggesting it. I asked my wife to read the question and Summer's answer. Her only comment was along the lines of Summer's #3. She said just do everything I can to overcome. Your comment about honoring the priesthood and living righteously seemed to be what she expected for restitution.

I think one reason why sexual sin and murder are so close to the top of the list of "Worst Sins" is because true restitution/restoration is impossible. You can return what you stole. You can physically care for someone you have physically injured. But you can't restore a life once you take it. Likewise, you can't restore virginity, or innocence, or perfect fidelity, etc., once you take it or destroy it.

Could it be that sometimes, all we can do is say we are truly sorry, and "Go, and sin no more," as the Savior instructed the woman? The Savior also said that if we confess our sins and forsake them, we have repented, and He no longer remembers them. I wonder why he didn't mention the important step of restitution/restoration in those verses. Any thoughts?"
posted at 10:19:33 on December 17, 2009 by BeClean
Amen to Summer    
"I told my husband I am sticking with him as long as he is working hard toward recovery and as long as he is entirely honest with me. They are nonnegotiable requirements. When he relapses he tells me within 24 hours. No matter how I react, he still has to tell me.

Also, I am hurting, so I can use as much sensitivity, kindness, support, gentleness and open communication as he can muster. I don't get a free license to boss him around, but I really appreciate his efforts to step up to his responsibilities in our family and to ease my burdens in all areas of my life. He's being really good to me, and it's really helping me to do better."
posted at 20:08:00 on January 5, 2010 by Anonymous

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"[The Savior] is saying to us, "Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going," He says, "we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness," He promises. "I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.""

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006