Just starting
By Iwillnot
12/8/2009 10:29:58 AM
I had been clean for a while. But last week I acted out. It scares me. My father had a problem with this as well and it ruined his marriage and caused unimaginable pain to everyone involved. Including me.

Which is why it scares me so bad that I'm still struggling with this. Haven't I seen the destruction this can cause firsthand? Do I really want to do this toy own family? I cannot. I will not.

I had been clean for a while. This makes me want to say I don't have a problem, but I realize that is not true. I am an addict.

But I will not allow this to control my life.

Thank you for the opportunity to write. I have been reading the other blogs and comments and am amazed at what a wonderful community this is.


"Welcome, Iwillnot. We're happy to have you join us in the battle. The more good people on our team, the better off we are.

I hope you find some real help on this site. You have done the right thing to seek help. The first step is honesty...admitting you are powerless. You're on the right track."
posted at 18:06:47 on December 8, 2009 by BeClean
A great start    
"I know how you feel, my addiction scares me to death as well. You mentioned that you will not allow the addiction to control your life, but the truth is that the addiction will not only control our lives, it will completely destroy our lives unless we get help. The good news is that even the worst addicts can find healing through the Savior.

There are many different levels of addiction - so my story might not apply directly to you - but in my case, I was completely unable to go longer than two days without acting out until I was able to admit that I am an addict. That is the first step, and honestly, it's been the hardest part of recovery for me so far.

Congratulations on admitting that you are an addict. There's something incredibly liberating about coming out and saying that, which is the main reason I enjoy going to recovery meetings and being honest with people about my addictions.

I hope you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and experiences here. This site is amazing because it gives everyone who is dealing with the effects of addiction a chance to tell their stories and lift each other up. I can't imagine recovering without this site, it's been so vital in keeping me accountable for my actions, and it's also been an amazing source of comfort for me, especially after relapses.

Good luck, IWILLNOT. We hope to hear again from you soon!"
posted at 00:51:21 on December 9, 2009 by ETTE
The light you see isn't a train.    

I like the name. If you can hold on to that conviction like a bull terrier the 12 Steps will work and history can quit repeating itself with your generation. Don’t kick yourself too hard about still struggling with this. Addiction doesn’t give way to a logical argument. How I wish it did! That is why AA talks about insanity. I don’t know anyone that has recovered without time and struggle, but it does get better. The Atonement covered you debts too. We’re pulling for you."
posted at 09:55:53 on December 10, 2009 by justjohn
"Thanks, each of you. All three of you said something I needed to hear. I am amazed at how liberating and comforting it is to have a resource like this, with people who understand and can provide such positive, nonjudgemental encouragement.

I am also amazed at how much easier this is with God's help. Here I am, trying like mad to overcome it by sheer force of will and failing regularly but not wanting to admit I had a problem and needed His help. I think He lets you hit rock bottom so you'll know just how helpless you really are. Then He can really begin work on you.

I know it will be a difficult road ahead and I still have a long way to go. But I have hope. Thank you again and God bless the person/people who put this site together."
posted at 11:08:52 on December 10, 2009 by Iwillnot
"Your post sounds a lot like me. I was clean for a while as well and I had convinced myself I wasn't an addict as well, but the last time I acted on my temptations, I realized I am an addict. I have also seen this type of thing ruin lives in my family and friends. I also think "How can I do this when I know what will happen if I don't give up?" All of us have a long way to go. My patriarchal blessing says that the adversary will do anything to get me to stay in the gutters of sin. I think he does this to distract us from what Heavenly Father wants us to do.

I know that the Lord has a purpose for each of us. Even though we aren't perfect and make mistakes, we can lift each other up. I am still in the process of repenting.

I think admitting your mistakes is a sign that you are a good person who has a lot of worth. Your experiences will help you to help others in the future and even now. This site not only lets you seek help, but lift each other up. That's what I like about it. Keep up the good work and fight the good fight brother. God loves us all."
posted at 22:37:14 on December 19, 2009 by repenting

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"I need not define your specific problem to help you overcome it. It doesn’t matter what it is. If it violates the commandments of the Lord, it comes from Satan, and the Lord can overcome all of Satan’s influence through your application of righteous principles. Please understand that the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now. Satan wants you to think that it is impossible. That is not true. The Savior gave His life so that you can completely overcome the challenges you face. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990