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Will I ever learn?
By ETTE
12/4/2009 12:13:14 PM

I know that sobriety is almost impossible for me if I get less than five hours of sleep a night, but I haven't had five hours of consecutive sleep since last weekend. I've worked like a maniac on my homework and on top of everything I've had to put in seven hours of unexpected work during the last twenty four hours for my job as a research assistant (the professor I work for needed help with a big presentation). I've actually had a lot of fun this week because I love to work, but I'm upset at myself for crossing the boundaries that protect me from acting out. How many times do I have to relapse before I finally start keeping my commitments?

Luckily, I'm still sober (day 26!), but I have absolutely no strength left to fight off bad thoughts and urges. I'm all done with my homework and research assignments now, and I'm still wound up from this stressful week, plus I'm super bored, and I don't think going to bed would be a very good idea right now, so I decided to just start writing out all my feelings instead.

Maybe I should just go to the gym, that's usually a great way to relieve stress. I'm also considering downing a red bull or two because I've noticed that my urges virtually disappear when I use energy drinks to stay awake and work longer (I think the caffeine might have something to do with blood flow and hormone levels, or perhaps it's just a placebo?); however, starting an addiction to energy drinks may not be the best way to go about recovery from sexual addiction.

So here's what I'll do, I'm going to promise everyone that I'm going to call my sponsor and let him know I'm having a hard time, then I'm going to work out, and then I'm going to go to the library and meditate since I don't trust myself to be in my apartment. I am posting all of this nonsense because it's therapeutic for me to write, and I think I will be much less likely to act out if I tell everyone that I'm having a hard time.

I'm also committing myself to responding to this blog later on today to give a report on how I'm doing.

Comments:

I'm rooting for ya!    
"Good luck, friend!"
posted at 14:19:06 on December 4, 2009 by Anonymous
This is not nonsense    
"It is amazing sometimes how much it helps just to post our thoughts, no matter how much we feel like we are rambling. So often we know exactly what to do, but there is a great increase in commitment when we report to someone else what we are going to do like you have just done.

I feel you on the sleep thing, I am more likely to struggle as well when I am stressed and tired. I would definitely not recommend the caffeine, I have struggled with that as well and I find caffeine makes me jittery and more stressed. Keep going Ette!"
posted at 16:42:41 on December 4, 2009 by needhelp38
final suck    
"Sorry, I understand how you feel, finals are no fun at all. Keep on being good. And yes, staying away from place where you know you are tempted to mess up when you are feeling weak is a good idea, unfortunately with our addiction its impossible to avoid all situations where temptation can come, its the nature of the beast. But committing yourself here on the blog, that and prayer, then you should be okay. Be strong!"
posted at 17:08:13 on December 4, 2009 by adrastos
One day at a time    
"We want to hear from you, Ette. How's it going?

If you're still going strong, good for you! We pray for you, and we are so happy for you.

If you have slipped, let us know. We still love you, so does God, and we are all so proud of you for coming here first when you were struggling earlier today. That is progress. That is good!

I'm going to assume you are still going strong though, until we read otherwise. Know that we are thinking of you and praying for you.

Today is different. You have shown that by coming to the site to write. You don't have to give in this time. You can decide to make it through today. Just today. Just until you go to bed tonight. Then, when you get up Saturday morning, check back here again and set a goal to make it through Saturday.

Just one day. A few more hours. We can both do that."
posted at 19:55:16 on December 4, 2009 by BeClean
Euphoria    
"Right after making this blog, I called my sponsor, but he didn't answer his phone. I was tempted to just hang up, so I could act out without having to worry about immediate consequences, but something kept me on the phone long enough to leave a message saying that I was having a difficult time and contemplating acting out. All the urges and desires melted away immediately after I finished my message. My sponsor gave me a call half an hour later, and I gladly told him that I was still clean.

Since I had written out a plan, I decided to follow it. I went to the gym, and then to the library, and then I got together with my friends and we studied Chemistry for hours on end. I did not drink any energy drinks, so I'm extremely tired and about to go to bed. I'm so content and happy with how the day turned out that I feel euphoric.

I'm grateful for all the tools I have found through the recovery program. If I did not have a sponsor, then I would have been completely unable to withstand the temptations today. I know I cannot do this on my own, which is why I have to do something very unnatural and ask other people to help. Thanks for being here to help me, everyone. Your comments and insights are very precious to me.

The day is almost done, and I cannot believe I feel so happy and pure. The Lord's goodness and mercy is amazing to me. May He bless us all as we face our struggles one day at a time."
posted at 20:20:25 on December 4, 2009 by ETTE
A new path    
"Hurrah!

Our prayers were answered. I am so happy for you. Now you know for next time that just because you feel like acting out doesn't mean you are going to or that you have to. You have proven that it can end differently.

Saturday is a new day. Go one more day, and then you will get to take the sacrament! It certainly appears that you are "willing" to keep his commandments.

That Euphoria is the sweet peace, joy, and happiness of a virtuous life, made possible through the atonement. Isn't it wonderful? I'm so happy for you, Ette."
posted at 09:23:54 on December 5, 2009 by BeClean


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"Each one who resolves to climb that steep road to recovery must gird up for the fight of a lifetime. But a lifetime is a prize well worth the price. This challenge uniquely involves the will, and the will can prevail. Healing doesn’t come after the first dose of any medicine. So the prescription must be followed firmly, bearing in mind that it often takes as long to recover as it did to become ill. But if made consistently and persistently, correct choices can cure. "

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988