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Thought I was getting better
By vsjustice
11/12/2009 1:55:46 PM
My addiction has caused nothing but pain in my life. I didn't go on a mission because I could not overcome my problem. When I met my wife, things seemed to get better. I always thought once I got married my problem would just magically disappear. For a while things were good, but I've fallen again. I can go a couple of weeks, and then I go on a week binge. My wife doesn't know; I feel like if she did, she'd be so crushed. I think women have a hard time understanding what the problem is like. My problem has nothing to do with her; she's far from insufficient.

I need to take care of this before she finds out. I don't want to live this lie. I love her more than anything in the world. She's the most amazing person I've ever met. I need to do this for her, myself, and our future children. I know I can't do this alone; I've let my stubbornness get in the way of my progress for too long. I need the savior's help. I'm so weak without him. For me not to fall, it takes a constant barrage of spiritual activity, which can be difficult with a busy schedule. I plan on inundating myself with all things spiritual, and try to limit my exposure to online activities. This is the first time I've ever written about my issue. I hope this will strengthen me. May the lord show his tender mercies upon me as I make a renewed commitment to fight this evil.

Comments:

There is hope..    
"This addiction is absolutely devastating, but there's a lot we can do to fight it. Coming to this website and being honest is a great start. I've found a lot of peace by typing out my experiences and considering the advice and insights people give me.

I commend you for not wanting to live a lie anymore. Honesty is beautiful because it doesn't require sobriety, it only requires humility.

I track the beginning of my recovery back to the day when I promised myself and promised the Lord that I would always be honest about my addiction. Unfortunately, I have not been perfectly sober since I made that promise, but I can proudly say that I have been perfectly honest. If I have to meet the Lord tomorrow, then I'll be able to look Him in the eye and tell Him that I still have a lot of issues, but I know I'm moving in the right direction, and I'm not trying to hide my problems anymore.

I just can't emphasize the importance of honesty enough. You may or may not be able to stay sober from now on, but I can guarantee that recovery and healing will only come after you're honest to yourself, your Lord, and the people you've deceived.

By the way, if you keep your eyes open, you may discover that women are much more understanding than you think. There's no need to discredit women, I assure you that they can be powerful allies in our fight against our addictions."
posted at 16:22:01 on November 12, 2009 by ETTE
Welcome!!    
"I am Summer…My husband has had porn and masturbation problems. I can’t believe I can type that and not hyperventilate anymore. You are correct it probably will crush your wife to find out about your problems. I “found” out by finding things on our computer. I asked my husband about it and he lied to me. I still continued to find things, I would confront him…he would lie. I stopped confronting him, I felt so unimportant…to not even be worth telling the truth to. I went into a form of denial for about 2 years. I had pushed away my thoughts and feelings during the day…and suffered from nightmares at night. This is what brought about the truth I awoke from a nightmare (of my husband being unfaithful to me on the computer) screaming…my husband tried to comfort me saying it was just a dream. I confronted him one more time, and he confessed. Now we have 2 big problems: an addiction that can destroy our eternal marriage and honesty issues that can also do the same. I cannot describe enough how badly I wanted to know the truth in my life. We are now seeing a marriage counselor who is looking into a diagnoses of PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder), for me…Hopefully I’m just extremely depressed :). I awake screaming in the night, crying uncontrollably, shaking, sudden bursts of anger (never directed at anyone…I just break things I have to clean up later :), I can’t sleep (without medication), breathing is difficult at times, I cannot be in social situations, and the list goes on. I do not tell you this to have you fear what your wife might go through (I endured years of knowing I was being lied to and suppressed it…not a healthy idea)…but I just can’t help but wonder how much better it would have been for our situation if my husband would have been honest with me. The unfaithfulness hurts a ridiculous amount…but the lying is worse for me. The majority of my anxiety comes from the distrust; I fear dying and finally finding out the truth. Everyone deals with things differently…but, I think honesty will get everyone to a much better place…That’s just my opinion. If you do decide to tell your wife, here are somethings I wish would have been presented to me along with the truth: A plan (how you plan on staying clean), research done in this area (the fact that you are coming to this website for help…is AWESOME!!), a couples meeting with the bishop (I had to be the one to make all the appointments), a marriage counselor (again, how wonderful it would have been to have my husband pushing for that), time (what I mean by that is, be patient), and lots of love.
I am so sorry you are dealing with such a hard trial in your life. I think it’s wonderful of you to have reached out for help. People are here and care about how you are doing. I pray you will find the answers you are looking for.
FYI: I am one of the weakest women you will find…and somehow I’m still standing (sometimes just barely, but still standing never the less). There are books and resources for both of you…you both need the healing power of the atonement, we all do!"
posted at 17:10:38 on November 12, 2009 by summer
Honesty    
"The truth will always come out my friend. Whether in this life or the next, your wife will find out the truth. There is a scripture somewhere that says something to the effect that all the "hidden things" will be made known in the next life. There can't be secrets in a celestial marraige. It's not logical and it's not possible. You have to decide what it is you really want. Do you just want to make it through this life with the illusion of a happy trusting celestial marraige? Or do you want to actually have one? How tragic for your wife to live her whole life with you thinking you both have an eternal marraige only to die and get to the other side and find out it was all a big lie and in fact she is going to have to choose a different eternal companion because the one she thought she had never repented fully and is not worthy to be there. Tragic! And unfair. She deserves to know whats going on. You cannot fully heal until you have repented. Repenting involves not only confessing but making amends to those you have hurt. That is your wife. I know I sound harsh but there is no other way. Satan wants to convince you that she never has to know. That it would only hurt her to know. SHE WILL KNOW ONE DAY! So much better to find out from you while there is a way to fix things. Don't let Satan trick you into thinking that you can keep this secret from her. He thrives on secrets and lies. Don't let him trick you into believing there is an easy way out. The easy way is not always the right way."
posted at 19:29:27 on November 12, 2009 by Anonymous
Trust in the Lord...and your Wife    
"We are here for you, my friend.

Summer made some great points, pay attention to them.

My wife and I have been working TOGETHER on my issues since we have known each other. I can't imagine going through all of this without her. I KNOW it is tough for her, but she is amazing. Maybe I can get her to write something to you.

I encourage you not to hide anything from your wife. Keeping secrets from the one you have promised to give everything to just aggravates the problem. Trust in God (Step 3). Have Hope (Step 2). Your wife will hurt when you tell her, but I believe with time your relationship will be strengthened because of your honesty (step 1) and your love for her. Dishonesty can only drive you apart...and you don't want that."
posted at 19:35:38 on November 12, 2009 by BeClean
12 Step Program and The Truth Shall Set You Free    
"Listen to these good men and women VSJustice. Many of them have been down long difficult paths full of pain and of unneeded suffering. I give a few ideas/thoughts for you.

1) Telling your wife will probably be the most difficult thing you will do. But keep in mind, the atonement of Jesus Christ is not just for the sinners. Read Alma 7:12 in part "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people... and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities"

WHAT A BLESSING! It means that not only can the atonement heal YOU (and I testify it can) but it is heal your wife!

2) Go to the Lord. Plead with him for many things including strength to be able to do this. Don't let her catch you in the act or wonder for years like our dear sister Summer had to go through.

At the point that I was at my lowest. I knew I needed to see my Bishop and talk with my wife. A very dear friend of mine, after the priesthood session of conference, told me that he had been prompted several times to offer me a blessing. He knew NOTHING of what was going on in my life. I accepted and in the blessing he blessed me to be able to "do what I must do." I don't remember anything else. 2 days later, I confessed to my wife and our lives have been the better for it. Our family has been strengthened. We read and pray every day. I work ever so hard to stay close to the savior. I have stopped worrying so much about work and I come home now to a loving wife and children. We are all closer, and I am on a good path to healing.

3) Satan will temp you to wait and see if you can at least get better before confessing. He will tell you every lie in the book to pacify you and lull you into a sense of security or "I can wait till I am better." Don't allow this. Work with all your might to have the spirit guide you. I promise, even in all your sinning, he WILL COME TO YOU. ONLY IF, you ask him, plead for him, read, study the scriptures. he will come.

4) There are 2 talks by Elder Scott that I would recommend you not only read, but study. a) http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1117-2,00.html be sure to read to the end! He addresses how to acquire the spirit and how pornography snuffs out the spirit. Do not think for a second that he cannot come into your life. With pleading and determination you can bring him in. He will tell you what to do. b) the talk that brought me to my knees. The talk that I heard and shortly before received my blessing. http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-947-15,00.html This is a PPI by Elder Scott.

5) Go to the 12 step program. Do not let Satan play upon your fears. I wish so badly I had gone a few years earlier when I first learned about it. Satan whispered in my ear that they probably take my name, inform my bishop and I was NOT ready to face that. You can even attend it a few times before you talk with your wife. I promise you will meet men that have gone through what you are going through. you will find Strength and Power there.

6) Remember that God Loves You! God Loves your sweet wife. If you ask and plead for his help, he WILL come and he WILL save the both of you. He CAN change your heart and turn it away from this sin. He CAN comfort her. I testify that if you both turn to God, you will both be the stronger for it.

7) If you confess, and say you will never do it again....and you do....and you probably will since this is SO hard to break....you go to her again....and your Bishop. Many years ago, I confessed to the problem, went to the bishop, candidly cleared it up and on. I did not truly repent. I did not change. I fell again and was embarrassed and hid it for MANY years. This led to much pain.

Ok Ok, 7 items is a bit more than a few items/thoughts. But I feel for you. I feel your pain and sufferings. We all do. You cannot heal without honesty. At some point, I hope you can take her to this blog string and let her see what amazing advice you received.

May God Bless, you will be in my prayers."
posted at 23:25:41 on November 12, 2009 by nyronian
How's it going?    
"How you doing, VSJustice? What are you thinking and what have you decided?

I know we all laid it on about how you shouldn't keep this from your wife...and we all believe that. But even if you decide you aren't ready to tell her yet, or to show her this site yet, we're still here for you. Take it at your own pace, but keep moving!"
posted at 11:07:39 on November 16, 2009 by BeClean
You can do it!    
"VSJustice,

With the Lord's help you can do it all. I’m about the most pig-headed “I can do it myself” type that I know and I’ve finally got it. Whether it is getting and staying clean, talking to your wife or bishop or just making it through each one of the twelve steps (which are really just the repentance process on high-octane fuel) the Lord can, will and wants to help you do it. He won’t force it though. Probably one of the most amazing things I have learned in recovery is that I don’t need to be “worthy” to start getting help from Him. In fact I had it backwards. I needed His help if I was ever going to be worthy. Deserving has nothing to do with it. Being in tune with the Spirit is another thing, but getting help and strength seems to mostly be connected to sincerity and humility. Alma the younger hadn’t acted in any way that made him “worthy” of help when he cried out to the Lord and yet the help came. I’ve turned to Him at times with “scum bucket” written all over me; a couple of times right in the middle of acting out and the help has come. If you really want to “let go and let God” asking works wonders. We just need enough faith after that to take His hand and step off into the darkness.

You can do it. You can be COMPLETELY healed. This thing that has dogged your every step can become a thing of the past. Let Him guide you in doing the things that you need to do. Everybody here has given you some great advice. My wife and I have seen a number of women that could go through almost anything as long as their husband would be honest with them. It is also the one key to recovery listed in “How it works” in the AA big book. You might also look into the book “Discussing Pornography Problems with a Spouse” by Dan Gray and Rory Reid. As ugly as it may be right after you share this with her, it will be better than if she finds out on her own, and besides she probably already knows at some level that something is wrong.

I am praying for you,
John"
posted at 01:25:34 on November 17, 2009 by justjohn
Thanks    
"Thank you guys so much for your comments. They mean a lot. I know you guys are right about telling my wife, and I'm sure that's the conclusion I'll come to eventually. But for now, things are going well, and I don't want to change that just yet. This is the best I've felt in a long time. Writing has been very therapeutic and coming to this site every day and reading everyone's posts and comments has strengthened me and my resolve to fight. Thanks so much."
posted at 20:26:21 on November 23, 2009 by VSJustice
Keep it up    
"Keep coming back, VSJustice. Keep contributing. When you feel strong enough, let your wife know how much you love her, how much you love the Lord, and how hard you plan to fight to escape this addiction with His (and her) help. We'd love to meet her online some time."
posted at 21:59:59 on November 30, 2009 by BeClean


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"Brothers and sisters, let's sell that summer cottage in Babylon. Let us be not "almost" but "altogether" Latter-day Saints. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006