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First Post Part 3
By needhelp38
11/5/2009 10:38:31 PM
Continued from http://www.ldsar.org/ViewBlog.aspx?EntryId=5493 />
To say that I was crushed by this news is an obvious understatement. I went outside my apt complex & nearly collapsed. I called my Bishop & he came over to give me a blessing which did bring some comfort, or at least enough to get me through the rest of the night. I felt so lonely & miserable...especially being far from my family. I also tried to talk to my parents about it without revealing too much because I felt like I couldn't tell my parents since he was living with them at the time. They had both learned of his pornography addiction, but were not aware of the situation with the prostitute. I told a couple of close friends, a wife & husband who had become like family to me, & they told me that they hoped & prayed that I never marry him. I continued frequent correspondence with him & started to realize that I needed to protect my heart. I tried so hard to figure out a way to distance myself which was nearly impossible because I loved him so much & had been his main source of comfort & help. During this time, he ironically became more attracted to me & was saying, "Wow, when I get better, maybe....." and I explained to him my position....that as a wife I would need to be certain of his faithfulness & stability. Granted, I definitely have problems of my own, but my anxiety wouldn't lead me to be unfaithful to my husband.

I'm sure there's a lot more than can be told, but to fast forward about a month later (mid-August), I still found myself waffling around trying to figure out what to do with myself, school, a job, etc. I had planned on moving about 40 minutes north of where I was. I was going downhill with my depression & anxiety & trying to figure out how to hold myself together. The married couple, my best friends, went to help me move & I found out that the room that I had planned on fell through. I now had all of my stuff at their house, a part-time job that I had just started that would now be a 40 minute bus ride & wondering what to do with myself. The week that I stayed with these amazing friends this young man & I determined, to my gratitude, that we would not talk for a few days. He recognize that I was going downhill myself & that when I was not in a place to help him it created even more anxiety for him. Over the next few days, I started talking to my parents about what to do with myself. I knew I couldn't hack it on my own anymore. My friends were extremely supportive & told me that I could stay as long as I needed to, but that it was definitely a temporary situation. They said that they loved having me around & that as much as they would love to have me around all the time to help clean & watch the kids in exchange for rent, they agreed that it would not help me move forward in life.

The following Sunday, through talking to them & my parents, it was determined that I needed to move back to where my parents live to be close to my family & find a live-in nanny job. It didn't make sense at first because why would I live with my parents when this guy was living with them? But we all knew it was the right thing to do. So these wonderful friends packed up the kids and drove the 11 hours so that I could move back! I found a live-in nanny job immediately.

During this week that this young man & I were together we ended up kissing each other just about every day...always in a sweet way, but I still didn't feel quite right about it knowing what he had done. The big issue is that he didn't feel fully accountable for what he did because of his mental state. Basically, after a week at my parents house & a week living with the family I now nanny for, this guy was getting worse & worse. he started arguing with my Mom & the situation became out of control. This is when it was determined that he would go to the hospital & not come back to my parents' house & that he & I should not have any contact with each other. When I last talked to him I knew it was good-bye & he didn't at first, but when I walked out the door I had a feeling that he knew. He was texting me over & over again & it was so painful not to respond & to have him wonder why I couldn't respond until my Dad blocked my number. A week or so later he left a letter with a friend for me basically recognizing that we shouldn't have contact & that he wanted to love me the way I deserved to be loved.

So this was obviously heart-wrenching for me. The family I nanny for is a crazy situation. The dad is a single dad...they are extremely wealthy & the kids are 8, 10 & 14. An older son, his wife & their baby live in the house. The dad has sales guys over a lot that do phone calls for work & then the older son & them hang out, drink & have all sorts of nasty conversations right in front of the kids. This nanny job is so stressful because of the disrespect the kids have, what is demanded of me, & the inappropriate conversations that happen EVERY DAY in front of me & the kids.

So the night after my ex-boyfriend went in the hospital I was talking to my Mom obviously distraught. So the older brother of the kids I nanny for had some friends over including a young man that I found very attractive & that was starting to be flirtatious with me. (We'll call him Potiphar's Wife so I can refer back to him.) So the older son said, "Don't be sad, come bowling with us." So what did I do? I went bowling with these people even though they had been drinking, cursing, etc.

Basically, after bowling Potiphar's wife & I were hanging out because we started joking in the car about cuddling after getting back to the house. Things didn't go "that" far, but in the course of about four hours more than cuddling happened. The most interesting thing is that for a few HOURS he was "respecting my boundaries" and all of that but in the last 20 mins or so, it quickly got out of hand.

The next morning I was just overcome & immediately went to my parent's house & sobbed to my Dad about what happened. I told him it was like the seminary video about spiritual crocodiles with the story of the Native American who finds a snake who asks him to take him inside his jacket down the mountain. The man says, "No, you'll bite me" but the snake promises he won't. They get all the way down the mountain when the snake bites him. When the man gets angry, the snake says, "You knew what I was when you picked me up." I talked to my Bishop that Sunday, and I have spent the past couple of months struggling so much. Why? Well, the best part of it (that was sarcasm), is that this guy is at the house a couple of times a week.

So I've been better the past week or so, but with the stress of the job & trying to heal from my ex-boyfriend, I would resort to curling up in a ball on my bed & fantasizing about what happened. The reason I freaked out & got on this site is because I don't even want to have those thoughts because if I entertain those thoughts too much, I'm afraid something is going to happen again. Potiphar's Wife hasn't tried anything since then, and oddly, there were times where I found myself insulted & rejected. I've slipped a couple of times with choosing to hang out even at the house with those guys for the attention & then kick myself later when the conversation gets R/X rated. It is such a source of anxiety because when I pull up to the house & see his car & then see him, I am either extremely attracted to him or completely disgusted with him & myself. I am just in the past couple of weeks at the point where I feel comfortable taking the sacrament again & feel ready to get back to the temple (after talking to my Bishop again as well.)

Comments:

yikes!    
"Oh how I wish I could find you another job! That sounds like a miserable situation! Have you thought about looking elsewhere?"
posted at 00:00:15 on November 6, 2009 by robin
Hmmm...    
"I just have to ask, are you doing anything to take care of your own addictions? Are you doing the 12 step book or going to meetings or both? If not, I'd strongly suggest it. I feel like you are where I was not that long ago and I can promise you that things will get better if you trust Heavenly Father and let him take control of your life. If you feel stuck and don't know how to get out, there is a way. The 12 steps can show you and they will also help with your ex problem. Don't let it get to you too much or else it can lead you to do things you'd never thought you'd do. I know, it's easier said then done but just be strong, you'll get through it."
posted at 00:09:11 on November 6, 2009 by Matrix
NeedHelp,    
"Please do not forget that you are a Daughter of God. Father loves you as you are--struggles, depressions, past sins, and all. He wants you to be happy, not depressed. He is there for you, and he hears your prayers. He knows how to help. Pour your heart out to him! (I know you know this, but I need a reminder every now and then.)

You deserve a man--a faithful Priesthood Holder--who can take you to the temple for time and all eternity. You are worthy of such a man. If you don't feel so now, you will, as you draw closer to the Lord. Wait for the one who will respect you, honor you, be faithful to you, and treat you the way you deserve to be treated--as a Daughter of God. (Of course, we all know he won't be perfect, but he doesn't have to be like these guys, either...)

While you are waiting for "the one," stay close to your parents, your good married friends, and the Lord. Remove yourself from situations and people who would use you and your body for selfish reasons.

You sound like a fabulous person, and I will pray for you. I wish you were not suffering so. Know that you are loved."
posted at 20:14:45 on November 8, 2009 by BeClean
Alarms Going Off!!!    
"Wow NeedHelp, I had a thousand alarms and bells going off while reading your post. Please don't be offended but this situation you are in sounds like a serious problem waiting to happen. If they are speaking R/X rated language in front of you, it is to weaken your defenses. This young mans goal is to have his way with you and you cannot allow it. You may be attracted to him but it is filthy and it appears your defenses are slowing dropping. I promise you with all my heart, there is only pain and heartache on the other side. If I was your father andk new the details I would tell you to run and don't look back. He respected your boundaries for a couple of hours but then stopped respecting them. He will try it again if you let him. You mentioned you are either very attracted to him or very disgusted with him and yourself. Keep in mind either or both reasons can lower your defenses.

You have to think what your brain and the Spirit is telling you, not your emotions. Emotions can easily betray you and slowly and carefully lead you down a path you do not want to go down. Emotions can help you rationalize things you would never rationalize before.

I agree with Matrix, you need to work the 12 step program. I know nothing of co-dependency but maybe it applies here? Step 1 is Honesty (which you are displaying here) and then a willingness to abstain. That is what is difficult after honesty. It is difficult to WANT to abstain. These men give you attention you crave, they feed emotions and feelings within you. They are feelings you desire but you know they are not from God, they are human emotions that we all want and crave and will sometimes do anything to have them, even if they aren't real and true.

I could be totally overreacting. But looking from the outside in. A single woman in a room of single men talking rated R/X language is never a good situation. Mix in some alcohol and it is a recipe for disaster. Then going out with them, cuddling with them etc. Not good. I guarantee, this man had a totally different thought pattern while cuddling than you did.

Keep in mind, this is just my opinion based on the facts that I have. I simply hope you consider them when looking at all the details of you situation. I know how men think and their motivations."
posted at 11:08:21 on November 9, 2009 by nyronian
First of all, thank you    
"Before I respond individually to each of you, I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read my posts. I've been reading the responses to my parents & they as well as I have been impressed with the love & support that I have found on this site."
posted at 20:07:39 on November 9, 2009 by needhelp38
What's up?    
"Needhelp38, have you been able to improve your situation any? How are you doing? Still praying for you..."
posted at 11:08:56 on November 16, 2009 by BeClean
Responses    
"ETTE: Thank you for your insight! You are absolutely right....I am doing things to eliminate as much stress in my life as possible because I find that stress triggers unclean thoughts & I also try to be "anxiously engaged in a good cause." It's difficult for me to have impure thoughts when I am anxiously engaged.

ROBIN: Oh believe me....I go back and through on it every day. It's a tough decision, but I've been bookmarking some open jobs online. I know I need to have an honest conversation with the dad & if things improve, I will stay. If things don't improve, I leave.

MATRIX: I just downloaded the 12 step handbook and I am going to make that one of the main focuses of my daily scripture study/journaling. I haven't been able to make it to meetings yet, though.

BECLEAN: Your response uplifted me so much that I need to dedicate an entire post just to you. :-)

NYRONIAN: You are not out of line in any way, and you are absolutely, completely right. When Potiphar's wife was there last week, I had been to the temple that day for the first time in four months & it was almost automatic for me to be upstairs when he was downstairs and vice-versa."
posted at 23:52:40 on November 17, 2009 by needhelp38
Hello again!    
"It's so good to hear from you. Keep going. Do the things you promised Robin and others. Report back to us. Whether things are going well or not, we want to hear. (We hope and pray they are going well.)"
posted at 10:01:56 on November 18, 2009 by BeClean


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"[The Savior] is saying to us, "Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going," He says, "we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness," He promises. "I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.""

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006