I Need Some Hope
By Matrix
10/27/2009 1:03:39 AM
I'm sorry this is going to be mostly venting but I really need to get it out. I had a fight with my ex. We still hang out occasionally because we've become friends but we fight like cats and dogs. It's always about something small that escalates into something huge. Take my most recent fight. I was leaving his house and I wanted him to walk me to my car because it was late and very dark. He refused and ended up just shutting the door on me. I was a little mad about it but figured if I just give myself a couple days to cool down, it'll all be fine. Well, he texts me today and asks if I'm mad so I say I am and that I'd like to be left alone for a while so I can cool down. He refuses. He starts telling me about how I blame everything on him and he doesn't want to apologize for something he didn't do. I told him I don't want him to apologize, I just want to be left alone. He totally blew up at me and told me he never did anything and that he's not going to be pushed around by me amongst other things. I was trying to keep my cool as long as possible but I lost it at that point and told him he was being a moron and that I just wanted to be left alone so again he refuses and tells me that I'm always telling him what a horrible person he is and that I have no room to talk because I'm the horrible person. I then stopped talking to him knowing that all I'll do is get angry. He then gets mad because he claims I'm ignoring because he refuses to let me insult him. He keeps going on about being ignored until he just gives up.

I honestly don't get it. I'm so frustrated with him because he always keeps fights about nothing going and I can't do or say anything to make him stop. I've even tried I'm sorry and he just ends up making me feel so bad about myself. I've been told that I just need to stop talking to him but that's so much easier said then done. That's like telling an addict all they have to do is stop their addiction. It's also a struggle because I really don't have any friends. I hang out with only one person most of the time or stay home so to hang out with him is a nice change.

I'm just not feeling very good about myself right now. He seems to know exactly what buttons to push and he pushes them often. I know I used to have such character weaknesses but I've been working on them and I feel like they are getting better but I also doubt myself greatly, that I'm stuck being this kind of person forever.

Sorry, I'm done venting. I just had to get it out and have anyone listen. Thanks.


Be a little better - Gordan B Hinckley    
"Hi Matrix....I am no counselor but here are some thoughts for what they are worth.

1) Quit beating yourself up so much. Think better of yourself. Focus on what you have to offer this world (which is much!). Just like in the 12 steps, ask God to remove your character weaknesses.

2) The atonement of Jesus Christ is about change. By nature a person will attract people (friends or boyfriends or whatever) that are spiritually like them. If at one point you are at a spiritual level, you will tend to be with friends that are at the same spiritual liking. As the atonement changes you, so should your friends and life around you. Much like a drug addict hanging out with her drug addict cannot allow the change God intends.

3) Anger is not of God and Contention is of the Devil. 3 Nephi 11:29-32 (which my son referred to as the Devil scripture in primary :-) If he is causing this anger and contention then it is hindering your progress in recovery and in drawing near to God.

4) It is very hard to be alone. I would ask God, even plead with him, to bring others in your life that will lift you and not tear you down. These may be friends that never know of your weaknesses, ones that know nothing of your past and see you as you are today and even better as you would like to become. Remember that God can bring people into your life. This may mean that you need to step out of your comfort zone to find them. You need to follow Gods council on it.

5) Always act and be the person you wish to be. I'm not talking about being fake, I simply mean that even though we live in an imperfect world....ok....not even close to perfect world....sometimes it is good to see the best in others and assume the best in them and to be the best that you can be.

This does not mean you have to tell your current friends to get lost and that you are better than them. I means you begin to distance yourself from your "old" life and start a new better life that God has ready to give you.

I know these are ramblings. May God Bless you as you consider your surroundings and how to make them better in ways that will foster the Holy Spirit in your life."
posted at 09:58:49 on October 27, 2009 by nyronian
I'm listening...    
"Just want you to know you are not alone. I'm sorry you aren't feeling very good right now. Vent whenever you need to! Life is hard, I'm so glad we have each other to lean on! I've read some of your comments and posts, you are a wonderful person. God bless."
posted at 15:55:36 on October 27, 2009 by summer
Me too.    
"I actually am a counselor, and she is right: don't beat yourself up so much! If we were as stupid as we sometimes think we are, the whole world would be extinct. Having good self esteem is hard for everyone at times.

There is something you might try with your ex. If you have problems in a relationship, it often helps to change the dynamics of it. Most of us spend a lot of time acting out on longtime scripts, but if we do something different than we have been, we usually throw a wrench in the works as far as the other person's behavior goes.

For instance, if you keep getting into the same fight with someone over and over again, the next time the other person steps up to the plate, try being passive or decisive (but not rude or angry) instead. It leaves the other person bewildered and they often wonder what is changing and why it is. Maybe they wonder if you care anymore and realize that they need to be healthy with you or you won't be there for them. If you leave the aggressive behavior behind, they may realize that if they want to be part of your life, they had better do it also.

Decide what is important enough for contention and drop it with everything else.
You deserve to have a good life and you deserve to have good relationshuips. If you don't want to leave someone behind, you have to change how you are engaging with them in order to make your friendship work.

Good luck. I would really like to see you happy. Most of us get in these obnoxious cycles every once in a while and they are really a pain to deal with."
posted at 20:09:38 on October 27, 2009 by laurie jean
"I don't have internet access very often, but I was happy to see that you are still here and trying so hard. My "momma" instincts kicked in when I read your post. I feel a little protective of you. It sounds like this guy being your "EX" is a very good thing. You deserve a man that is man. Someone who thinks to walk you to your car out of his concern for you would be nice, but a guy who refuses, then gets mad at your disappointment.....HE'S A BUM move on! Sorry to be so blunt, but you are a great girl and you deserve better, but you have to decide you are worth better. love you lots, Robin"
posted at 16:03:19 on October 28, 2009 by robin
Biblical Promise    
""And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God." -Romans 8:28

I'm sorry that you're going through a rough spot in life right now, but I believe things will turn around for you, Matrix. You're extremely intelligent, and it's clear from what you've written that you sincerely care about helping people.

I can definitely relate to what you're going through right now, because I'm in the middle of leaving my old friends who brought me down and triggered my addiction, and I'm trying to replace them with friends who will lift me up. Breaking free from bad friends has always been difficult for me, since even a bad friend seems to be better than no friend, but I'm confident that the Lord wants us to be surrounded by people who will build us up, and I know He's willing to help us find better friends if we just ask Him.

I pray for you and the majority of the people on this site every day. I hope you know that you're not alone, even if it may feel that way at times."
posted at 22:24:15 on October 28, 2009 by ETTE
Thank You!    
"Thank you so much for the advice and concern. I greatly appreciate it and Robin, you made me laugh. Thank you so much. I think a main reason I posted this is I just had to get it out. A character weakness I have is isolating myself when bad things happen and I refuse to talk about them which only causes festering. This time, I was able to clean my wound and let it heal instead of rubbing dirt in it. I feel so happy right now and so hopeful. The advice from Nyronian and Laurie really got me to thinking about changing. Thanks to Ette and Summer for the words of support. What was said is exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks again."
posted at 12:21:48 on October 30, 2009 by Matrix

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"Now, my brothers and sisters, let not Jesus’ redemption for us stop at the immortalizing dimension of the Atonement, “the loosing of the bands of death”. Let us grasp the proffered gift of eternal life! We will end up either choosing Christ’s manner of living or His manner of suffering! It is either “suffer even as I”, or overcome “even as [He] … overcame”. His beckoning command is to become “even as I am”. The spiritually settled accept that invitation, and “through the atonement of Christ,” they become and overcome! "

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987