First Post: Part 1
By needhelp38
10/22/2009 2:02:37 AM
Well, hear it goes...I have never posted before but I feel that now is a good time to do so. I'm dividing my first blog into at least two posts because there are a couple of pieces to my story. I'm pretty self-conscious about being too long-winded and detailed, but I have read other posts that are quite long that still get read and commented on so I hope that you will be patient with me. I was very wary about posting on a public forum, mostly for anonymity reasons because of people my story involves and because of naysayers. I have now read several of the blogs and comments and I've been so touched. I've been strengthened by the love, support, and encouragement to living the teachings of Jesus Christ offered by the site members which has given me the courage to blog here.

I am a single, active LDS female in my mid-20's. I was first exposed to pornography when I was 7 years old and there were magazines in our school trash can. I will never forget going home that night and not being able to finish my dinner because I couldn't stop thinking about what I saw and I remember feeling sick to my stomach. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years, but when I was 15, I struggled severely with suicidal thoughts and depression. At this time I was addicted to pornography and mb for at least a year. (Coincidence? Definitely not.)

I finally went in to talk to the Bishop after months of it and eventually overcame it. Over the past several years I slipped a minimal amount of times but quickly got back on track. The only incident I had over the past several years was about two years ago meeting a guy at a club and behaving and dancing in a highly inappropriate way. (I was about to type out that story because of the insights I learned from that incident, but for now I should get to more recent events/struggles.)

The following story might seem off-topic at first but it all ties together so bear with me. Almost a year ago I met a guy and when I met him, as cheesy as it sounds, something special happened. His countenance just shone and the Spirit bore witness to me so strongly that I needed to get to know this guy. He had also seen me around and later told me that he was also struck by my energy and countenance when he had admired me from afar. Went on an amazing date, (which even included a session at the temple), and spent quite a bit of time together the week after our date after which I moved out of the state.

Even with the distance, the Spirit testified so strongly to me over the next few months that either I was going to marry this guy or somebody just like him. There were times that I felt crazy because we weren't even dating, but this was the same feeling that I had in the temple, during a great sacrament meeting, etc, and not just romantic feelings. As I write this, I can feel the Spirit very strongly remembering those times.

Four months after I met him, he told me that he was struggling with depression. I was surprised because of his naturally cheerful attitude. I shared with him that I had similar struggles and offered my support. Over the next month I made a tradition of texting him some sort of thought or scripture daily. After about a month of little contact on his part, he called me to tell me how much he appreciated my efforts. He said to me, "I can't believe I'm about to tell you this with you being a girl, but I feel prompted to." He proceeded to tell me about an addiction to porn that he struggled with before he joined the church that had relapsed since his mission. I started crying & told him that I understood & shared with him my struggle when I was 15.

We started talking on the phone frequently for a few hours at a time and the Spirit was so strong in those conversations that you could cut it with a knife. He shared with me a letter that he wrote of his powerful commitment to himself, God and his future family to end his addiction. About a month later in early June he crashed big time as far as depression & we started talking every single day for a few hours at a time. He was going to come visit (even though we were still "just friends" :-)) but landed in the hospital the day before he was going to come up because he was so depressed. I was planning on visiting around that time anyway so I went home to visit for a few weeks. He was so happy to see me, and kissed me for the first time, (in an appropriate way.) He had actually shared with me about a month earlier that he didn't feel the same way about me when I finally cut to the chase & said I wanted to be more than friends. After we kissed he reiterated that he still felt that way & I was of course heart-broken, but my suspicions were confirmed that he had similar thoughts of me as a potential marriage partner. He told me that I was everything he was looking for & that he thought I was attractive, but that he didn't feel the kind of physical attraction he wanted to feel for his wife, hence not feeling we should be more than friends. About a week later after landing in the hospital again & coming out with no place to go, he came to live with my parents.


Thats Rough    
"Boy, do I feel for you. I wish I had more time to write right now but I understand what you are going through in both situations of your life. If you can, check out some of my other blogs and see if it helps any but I'll be back. Sorry I don't have much more to say right now. My heart goes out to you."
posted at 20:28:47 on October 22, 2009 by Matrix
Thank you Matrix    
"I had time to read some of your blogs and it does sound like you can offer me a lot of support. I will continue to blog and I hope that I can also help you in your journey. Thanks so much!!!!"
posted at 10:43:49 on October 23, 2009 by needhelp38
Wow, Matrix    
"I've been reading more and more of your blogs and it sounds like we have a LOT in common. I think you will discover how much more we have in common as I write more on this site. I am praying for you and my heart goes out to you. Thank you!!!"
posted at 22:54:28 on October 23, 2009 by needhelp38
I'm Glad    
"I'm so glad you are finding help and writing on this blog. And thank you so much for the prayers. I've really felt them recently. I know everything will be okay with you and your "friend" if you just trust Heavenly Father. It may not work out how you want it but it will be exactly what you need in the end and you will be so much happier because of it. Keep treking forward. You're awesome!"
posted at 11:02:58 on October 26, 2009 by Matrix

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"[The Savior] is saying to us, "Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going," He says, "we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness," He promises. "I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.""

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006