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Sometimes tears are ok
By SUMMER
10/21/2009 3:05:30 PM
My husband has been downloading movies from a movie store online. A few of the videos were R ratings and one was beyond that. I discovered a video, that had pornography on it…my heart sunk, and the tears flowed. I texted my husband at work, and he called me as soon as he had a free moment. I told him of my “discovery”, and he told me that the site he was buying videos from does not have the ratings of the movies on that site (this is true). He told me he realized he needed to be more careful with video selection and now goes to a different site to find out the video ratings and why they are rated that way. My husband was very open and honest with me, I believe him when he says he had no idea that he bought a movie that was inappropriate (it was suppose to be a scary Halloween show). Because I started my day viewing pornography, I still couldn’t stop crying and shaking…then my husband said something, “It’s better you saw it than me.”…I am so grateful it was me and not him, we have different responses to this, my response will not keep us from being an eternal family (I just get to have a stomach ache, I can handle the physical pain). He kept apologizing for subjecting me to something so horrible…but I cannot express how much I appreciate him acknowledging the fact that it is better to have me cry, then to have him be subjected to this evil again. I felt physically sick from what I witnessed, but my heart felt better because my husband “got it”. Everyday life is filled with filth, but today I appreciate my husband understanding how he needs to take every precaution to stay as far away from evil as possible.

Comments:

Agreed.    
"I agree with Ette. 100%. I don't know your husband and maybe he is the exception and not the rule. When I read your post my immediate reaction was that you're being played. So sorry. I've just been down that road so many times I recognize it from a mile off. My husband would "accidently" stumble on suggestive material all the time and he always had a good explanation. We want to believe them so bad that we tell ourselves they're telling the truth when 9 times out of 10 they are not being honest. So so sorry. I just don't buy the whole "I didn't realize it was bad" line. They know EXACTLY what it is and how to get it in a way that can be written off if they get caught. I've played this game with my husband and it wasn't until he realized that he couldn't fool me any more that he fessed up. I'm no longer naive. I'm no longer trusting. We can't be. It doesn't do them any favors to look the other way and accept the excuses. If it's suspicious to you...it's because it IS suspicious."
posted at 16:45:52 on October 21, 2009 by Anonymous
Walking the line    
"Sometimes when we're so close to something it's hard to see clearly. Let me just say this. A true recovering addict would never order random movies of the internet without knowing the rating. Never. Wouldn't happen. He would take time to check ratings and make sure he's not ordering anything that would cause a relapse. Taking that kind of risk is what I call walking the line. He's not going out of his way to find it but he's not taking the precautions to protect himself either. Sorry that this is happening to you. It's so unfair. You seem like such a nice person. I hope that things work out for you."
posted at 17:04:30 on October 21, 2009 by Anonymous
Boundaries    
"Ette and Anonymous, you both probably don't have much "sobriety" so I don't mean this as an attack but your posts were very presumptuous and, frankly not very helpful. You're not marriage counselors and you don't sponsor Summer or her husband. You are judging her husbands behavior against your own limited experience and making presumptions that are not yours to make. You don't know her husband. You have no idea if he is even an addict. If you think he is...you're already on the wrong side of the street. Stay on your own recovery.
I've been around awhile and have seen varying degrees on the spectrum between addcition and not . There's a saying that 'an addict is and addict, is an addict.' But that is always for the addcit themselves to figure out. Not the people who are struggling with an addcition themselves and who are supposed to be kind and understanding to the struggling addicts that find their way into the program.

Summer, I admit...your post raised an eyebrow for a moment. It's not for me to say he's being dishonest. If you're happy with how things turned out today, than so am I. Sometimes we just have to take things at face value and move forward. Maybe your husband made an honest mistake. Maybe this is yet another embarrassing event that will bring him closer to reaching his bottom-if he's an addict. Either way, you are going to be fine. I know things are painful for you and I hope you can find support and healing for yourself. We are all working our way back to our Heavenly Father and have something that holds us back. I'm glad that you celebrate the small victories.

To Summers husband, if you are reading this. I wish you the best. If you ever feel like you need some help with an addiction, I hope you will find someone who has a subastantial amount of clean time under their belt to walk you through the 12 Step process (in person). It works but it takes a lot of effort, humility, and willingness. Good luck to you."
posted at 20:05:51 on October 21, 2009 by Anonymous
I agree with Anonymous    
"Summer,

Hopefully you didn't read my other two posts, but if you did, I hope you know that I'm really sorry for ranting and raving like that. I just needed to let some negative energy out because I'm still struggling with the effects of my own relapse. If your husband read it, tell him I'm sorry for judging him.

I'm not going to post an opinion one way or the other, I think I've done that enough today. I do want you to know that I feel for you and want you to be happy.

Thoughts and prayers,
ETTE"
posted at 20:35:20 on October 21, 2009 by ETTE
Thank you for caring!!    
"I wanted to thank everyone for the comments that have been made. I love this site because it gives me so many other views to look through. As some of you know, I have no one in my everyday life that knows of my struggles (apart from; my husband, my bishop and our marriage counselor). To have my friends on this site, care enough about me to comment…makes me feel less alone. I can see how my post could be seen as he’s “obviously” lying. But I have to think on a case by case basis…I have been lied to a lot in my marriage, but for some reason today felt different. I have never been blessed with the whole “woman intuition” thing, but I have a very monitored computer that backed up everything my husband told me. He does see the mistake he made on being too careless, and if it took me being nauseous for a bit…I can live with that. All who posted anonymous…thank you for your comments, you all have very good points and I appreciate all of you. Ette, thank you for caring enough to comment, I appreciate all you have to say. I hope you are feeling better, you are in my prayers."
posted at 21:08:12 on October 21, 2009 by summer
Ette    
"I read your comments before you deleted them and you had valid points. Don't let anyone make you feel like you can't share your opinion. I agreed with most of what you said and it obviously came from a desire to help, not hurt."
posted at 21:45:46 on October 21, 2009 by Anonymous
Thanks, Summer and Anonymous    
"I'm glad you haven't taken serious offense to the things I had written earlier. I really lost sight of what the purpose of this website is all about. I should have focused more on trying to help instead of trying to accuse.

I was actually planning on taking my original two posts off before I read what the other anonymous user had written. I didn't want something so negative on a website where people come with a desperate need to be uplifted. "
posted at 23:47:36 on October 21, 2009 by ETTE
Ette,    
"You are ok in my book. I must admit that I replied to your post above having not been on the site for awhile. After reading your back-posts I know your heart is in the right place and I applaud your humility and efforts to recover."
posted at 13:09:30 on October 22, 2009 by Anonymous
It's water under the bridge    
"Your comment confirmed my decision to take down my posts. I wish you would get a user name though, it sounds like you know what you're talking about, and you would be a valuable member of the site."
posted at 15:26:01 on October 22, 2009 by ETTE


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987