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Still in a Slump
By adrastos
10/14/2009 12:23:56 PM
I've been trying to get started, get some clean days behind me, but I keep falling down and sabotaging my own efforts. Its really difficult for me to do the things that will help me stop acting out (reading scriptures, praying, turning on conference talks, the usual). Its like I'm not motivated to stop, but I'm want to "want to" stop, if that makes any sense. I wouldn't even be on here if I didn't want to stop.

I swear I feel like two people. The good part of me is seeking help, going to meetings, talking to my bishop, reading blogs on here, listening to conference talks. But my evil twin, acts out, lies to others, is sneaky, is impatient with my family, and doesn't want to let go of this addiction.

I had a counselor tell me once that you won't over come the addiction till the emotional strength fighting it becomes stronger than the emotional strength supporting it. I've also come to the conclusion. I can not do this, not by myself. Not even with AR meetings, meeting with bishop, support from my wife, knowledge of all the harm I'm doing to others by continuing in this addiction. I still fall back into it.

I know only through Christ will I be able to beat this and root this out of my life, but I feel disconnected with God and the Spirit. I know in my head that God loves me still and the only reason I can't feel that love is because my actions are creating a wedge between us. But in my heart I don't know that.

I know that everything that's good inside me is screaming for me to stop this addiction. When I'm in the right state of mind everything I really want in this life is hindered if not completely blocked by this addiction. I'm putting everything that is good and wholesome in my life at risk by continuing this practice, my marriage, my kids, my job, everything. But I can't seem to stop.

Yesterday I stayed clean, but I acted out earlier today. Part of me keeps saying "you've already messed today up, why not act out again." I know this is not coming from the good part of me, duh. But I just feel so weak, its so easy to give in when I'm in this state of mind.

I'm sick of living like this, I don't want to hit rock bottom, I don't want to lose my family and everything in my life before I'm willing to abstain, I want to stop this right now. I'm sick of making up excuses of why I can't go to this wedding or that wedding. I want my marriage to be healed, I want my home to have the spirit reside there, I want to be able to feel good about myself again. But it feels like the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Any suggestions in breaking a slump would be helpful. I really appreciate this community. I only started recently writing and reading on here and I do believe that its been helpful. Its help me at least have that spark of desire to keep trying and not to wholly give into my addiction.

Comments:

Give up.    
"It sounds like you're there, but still not quite. Give up. You can't do it. You're completely powerless over lust and can't do anything about it. It's cunning and baffling and you're trapped. So get down on your knees and pray and TELL Heavenly Father that you can't do it. Tell him you want to act out. You want to give in to Satan. AND THEN GIVE ALL THOSE DESIRES AND YOURSELF TO HIM. You have to surrender to him completely. You're DOING lots of good things, but they're still focused on YOU doing them and not just giving up and letting the Lord fight the battle for you. It's a nuance that's hard to describe, but try to find that surrender. And you may have to find that surrender 100 times today. Just keep surrendering it. You can't do it. You're worthless against lust. Acknowledge it to Heavenly Father and give it to him. And then try to do something to help someone else. Make a phone call, call a friend and see how they're doing. Get out of yourself if you can. But the temptation will return. Satan will keep battering you and you just have to keep surrendering."
posted at 13:08:23 on October 14, 2009 by derek
Try something new.    
"Derek's right about the whole surrendering thing, but there are several other things you can try if you get bored of surrendering all the time (I know that sounds bad, but it happens to me after I've surrendered five or six times within an hour). Here's a couple ideas:

It sounds like you're pretty familiar with different techniques to stay sober, but none of them are working. This could mean that you’re not trying the right techniques. It’s possible that you’re trying too hard to suppress your urges and ignore your “evil twin.”

When I finally realized that the good part of me and the “evil twin” part of me was one and the same, I experienced immeasurable peace and serenity. I don’t have a bad part of me that’s acts out, I act out. I am an addict. I follow the Lord and do the best I can, but I am also an addict. I am one complete person!

I’m sure you understand this type of thinking fairly well, because you’re honest enough to write about your problems. If you choose to look at the good and bad parts of yourself as one, then you won’t suppress your addictive tendencies. I know I can’t suppress my addictive tendencies, so I’ve chosen to replace my s~xual addictions with more wholesome addictions.

You might have already tried taking this route, and maybe it doesn’t work for you. But maybe, you’re choosing wholesome addictions that you don’t really enjoy (like reading scriptures and praying). When I want to act out, I let myself act out by blogging on this site, calling people in my SA group, driving my car, calling the people I love and miss in Sweden, working out, reading the Bhagavad Gita, analyzing literature, doing a fun chemistry problem, etc... Obviously, your list of alternatives to acting out won’t look like mine, but it should be like mine in that it only has things that you’re passionate about and things that stimulate your mind.

If you haven’t made a list yet, you should give it try. The principle in this approach is that addicts are extremely passionate people, so giving into alternate passions helps keep an addict sober more than suppressing passions does. I hope this will allow you to get out of your slump. "
posted at 13:26:33 on October 14, 2009 by ETTE
I feel your pain    
"Adrastos,
I feel what it's like to go through this. I've gone through much of the same. Acting out one day, praying and repenting the next day and acting out again by the time the sun sets.
I have to give you a lot of credit for being able to admit it, even online. That is a huge step, being able to put into words one's own imperfections.
For me, Step 3 is one I keep coming back to. Turning it over to God, turning it over to Him, is the major turning point.
Life is largely about habits. What works for me is developing the habit of anytime there is any temptation, even the smallest one, praying for help in resisting it. Eventually the practice becomes habit and eventually the habit becomes reflex. And when praying for Heavenly Father to help me do the right thing becomes reflex, I've made huge progress.
In AA, the chip they give to first-timers is called the Desire Chip. You've got the desire, so you can do this.
Remember, it's just like a boxing match (I used to fight so I use a lot of boxing metaphors). It's not about how many times you get it. It's just about getting back up. That's all.

Best wishes and prayers,
J"
posted at 05:47:47 on October 17, 2009 by jhamilton75
Wow    
"Reading through your comment I felt like I wa reading my own mind. I hate this too, and I keep acting you. I'm with you brother, I feel your pain I feel just as weak"
posted at 16:28:30 on October 17, 2009 by aheehoo


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"Develop discipline of self so that, more and more, you do not have to decide and redecide what you will do when you are confronted with the same temptation time and time again. You need only to decide some things once. How great a blessing it is to be free of agonizing over and over again regarding a temptation. "

— Spencer W. Kimball