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So lost...
By summer
10/10/2009 3:38:44 PM
How do I stand behind a man that won’t lead? I want the priesthood back in my family’s life so bad…it’s honestly painful. I feel like I am dragging my family to everything (church, conference, family night, ect…). How long can I keep this up? I need a partner…I was promised a partner, where did he go? Why did he go? I cherish the priesthood so much, but cannot have it in my home unless my husband does his part. I believe my husband has the potential to become the man he was on track to being, he has so much beauty in him. My children deserve to have the priesthood in their home…Am I withholding that by staying? I want my husband forever, but I wonder sometimes if I am alone in this battle. I need to find some way to support my husband better, I really don’t know what else to do. I try so hard to be understanding, I love him, and I want to be here with him (even with the knowledge of his struggles). I’m so lost!
I hope this is an ok thing to post here, I really don’t have anywhere else to go. For my husband’s privacy, I am alone in this knowledge (besides the bishop and our marriage counselor).

Comments:

Nothing changes if nothing changes    
"I feel for you, is you husband trying to get help besides the marriage counslor?. Is there a 12 step program for you and for him in your area? If you are in an area where the churchs program is, you might give it a try. If there is no lds 12 step program, the next best thing is heart-t-heart they are the people where the church got its program from and they have daily meetings by phone and by internet. A great book for him is clean hands pure heart and for you is " heal my broken heart" both are available at deseret book or check out meridian magazine. it is a free online lds magazine with some great help, many books can be read for free on their site. I am just passing on some info you might be able to use, I am a recovering addict, and these resources is some that my wife and I have used and found to be benificial.
all the best to you
harvey"
posted at 16:26:30 on October 10, 2009 by harveyf
Wisdom    
"I'm so sorry that you have to go through so much pain, and I am amazed that you've been able to be so strong throughout this ordeal.

Obviously, I'm in no position to give you advice, but I just want you to know that I pray for you and your family several times a day. I'm going to start prayng specifically that the Lord will grant you the wisdom to know what you should do to best serve your own spiritual well being and the spiritual well being of your family.

For what it's worth, I hope you know that you're not the only human being out there that cares about your husband's problems. I also hope you know that when I feel tempted to indulge in my own bad habits, I often think about all the uplifting things you've written to me, and that gives me the strength to remain clean. I wonder if you fully understand the positive influence you have on those around you.

Good luck, Summer. Please remember that there are people who want you to be happy."
posted at 17:30:02 on October 10, 2009 by ETTE
our experiences    
"Summer, I feel for you. It's difficult. My wife knows that from experience. There is hope, though.
What helped us was when we both started going to the LDS Addiction Recovery meetings. There were separate meetings in our area for husbands and for wives. For me, it gave me other guys I could talk to that were in the same situation. For her, it gave her other sisters who felt the same way.
What it didn't do was tell us how to "fix" each other. My wife can't "fix" me no matter how hard she tries. And I'm certainly not qualified to try to fix her. What we can do is love and sustain each other as best we can.
The Chinese proverb "You cannot make grass grow by pulling on it" rings true here. People are going to grow and learn at their own pace. Sometimes it takes time and patience.
I'm not perfect yet. But I think I'm a better husband than I was 4 years ago. I know I'm a more worthy priesthood holder and a better spiritual leader of our family. But it took me deciding to change on my own, and it took my wife having patience to let me grow at my own pace.
Prayers and best wishes,
J"
posted at 00:19:28 on October 12, 2009 by jhamilton75
Thank you!!    
"Thank you so much for your responses…as you can tell it was a bad day for me. I am so thankful to my brothers and sisters on this site, who are such a support to me. Thank you for your suggestions, prayers and for just being there for me…I can’t tell you how much each of you mean to me.
My husband does not want to go to the 12 step program…I have to respect that, so I’m not pushing that on him. The only outside help we receive is from our marriage counselor. I would go to anything my husband would like to, but I have to let him make that decision. I hope that I can get him on this site, so that he can see how many wonderful people deal with the same problems that we face. You guys would love my husband, he’s fantastic!!
Last night my husband found me in the bathroom floor crying. I know it can be really exhausting to have a wife like me right now, but I appreciate him comforting me last night. My husband avoids confrontation at all costs, so if I start crying it freaks him out a little. He is in a tough spot…I used to be a bubbly ray of sunshine in his life, now I’m such a delicate rain cloud. I try to be upbeat, but in reality I am really depressed. My husband did give me something to feel relief from; he told me he would work through the 12 step manuals with me starting on Friday. I know he feels like he is over his “old” ways, but I just love him so much I want him to be happy forever. Hopefully we can get some healing out of this. I am thankful for the step he took for us last night.
My prayers continue to be with all of you! "
posted at 12:19:18 on October 12, 2009 by summer
That's Great!!    
"I'm so happy for you and your husband! Working the 12 step manuals is a perfect place to start recovery. I worked in my 12 step manual for about a month before I felt ready to go to recovery meetings. I can't imagine ever recovering without using the 12 steps, I just wish my Bishop could have gotten me started in the program ten years ago.

I'm grateful that your husband is becoming more willing to recover. The Lord really does answer prayers. "
posted at 12:47:10 on October 12, 2009 by ETTE
Me too!    
"For the last several (10) years I was the one who had to do EVERYTHING! church, FHE, prayers, scripture study, etc. He was a follower and it was sooo frustrating to me!! He was supposed to be the priesthood leader and example for our kids especially - and that's what I thought I was marrying, but the more he got into his addiction the more distant and unavailable he became. He says now that he just didn't feel worthy. whatever... He wasn't doing his job either way and I was constantly angry and dissapointed with him. When we started in recovery I really had to learn and accept the fine art of "detatching with love" (Codependant No More), and practicing "Let go and let God" (12 step). I'm at a point now where I have let go of all anger and resentment (thanks in full to Christ) and I can do what I know is right for me and my kids. I encourage him to lead and try to be extra supportive when he does step up - which he has been doing a little more lately. Although he just had a "relapse or a slip" or whatever, and lost his temple reccomend and thinks he'll be released from his calling shortly, so he's extremely depressed and hesitant to do anything church related at all. We'll see what happens. Stay strong - be a warrior princess - you are needed -"
posted at 17:29:04 on October 12, 2009 by lila
I hope he has some progress    
"Although the 12 step meetings have been incredibly helpful for me, when I was first asked to go to them I said no too. The idea of going to room full of men that have pornography addictions scared the crap out of me. Also I would have to admit that I have a full problem that I can't control. Be understanding if you husband isn't ready to go to those meetings yet. There is a lot of sham and guilt that is associated with this addiction and its really hard to come out and talk about it with others.

Let your husband know how much you love him, but I think being completely honest with him is very helpful. It may hurt him, but he has to know that his actions are causing you grief and pain. I think when we are in the midst of our addiction we forget that are actions are really hurting our family, particularly our wives more than we know. One of Satan's biggest lies he tries to convince us of is that we aren't hurting anybody but ourselves. That's not true, but when you are addicted to pornography your vision gets blurred. You know what is right, but you don't at the same time. You know that what you are doing is wrong, but its so easy to slip back into it. Its not done to spite our wives, at least we don't see it that way. Having our wives be honest to us about how this makes you feel is a real eye opener. Of course, do this with a prayer in your heart. I know it was hard for me to digest it when my wife was honest with me, but it also helped me understand the seriousness of my sins.

I only tell you this to give you a little bit of what might be going on in his head. Don't give up on your husband, be strong. I hope things get better as he starts working on the 12 steps. This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, trying to break this addiction, it won't come over night."
posted at 17:57:22 on October 12, 2009 by adrastos


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"If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him. "

— Robert D. Hales

General Conference, April 2006