Print
Miserable
By hope4change
5/5/2009 4:35:33 PM
It's been quite a while since I've been on here.... :-\ Anyways, today has not been a really great day. I was sitting in Seminary, and was 40% listening to the lesson, 60% zoned out. As I was zoned out I was looking around the classroom. And then my eyes met the eyes of a beautiful girl that sits across the room from me. (Think U-Shaped desk configuration) I felt like I got shot. Right then and there, I was shot in the heart. Why? Guilt. I've objectified the female body to the point I can almost never think 100% or even 80% clearly. Every time a girl's eye meets mine, I shudder inside. I shudder because of self disgust. Because I know what I've done. I've not said a personal prayer in a long time. Nor have I personally studied the scriptures. I've stayed away from most of the good things in life, and kept down my unrighteous path.

So my goals for today are to pray tonight, and read my scriptures before I go to bed.

I just now felt inspired to read the quote in the top right of this page and it reads

"Lucifer will do all in his power to keep you captive. You are familiar with his strategy. He whispers: “No one will ever know.” “Just one more time.” “You can’t change; you have tried before and failed.” “It’s too late; you’ve gone too far.” Don’t let him discourage you. When you take the path that climbs, that harder path of the Savior, there are rewards along the way. When you do something right, when you resist temptation, when you meet a goal, you will feel very good about it. It is a very different kind of feeling than you have when you violate commandments—an altogether different feeling. It brings a measure of peace and comfort and provides encouragement to press on. "
— Richard G. Scott
General Conference May 1990

I've felt every one of the devil's sayings mentioned in that quote. Every one of them. And it is constant.

Part of the lesson today in Seminary was about hope, and hopelessness. I know what that feels like because at times, Satan has made me to believe that there is no power that can overcome his foolish, evil desires, and that I've lost. He makes me to believe that there is no help for me. On the opposite end of the table, I've also felt the warmth and the love of my Savior, Jesus Christ. I hope that one day, I will be able to resist more of Satan's temptation, and that I will strive to do what's right.

Comments:

your doing good    
"hey hope4change, I hope you know you are heading in the right direction. It sounds like you know what effect lust is having and you are mnaking good steps to fight it!"
posted at 17:39:51 on May 5, 2009 by happybob91
There is hope    
"Just like your name "hope4change". Before I found the 12 Step program and started working with a bishop that understood I was hopeless. Now I am beyond hopeful, I am full of peace and the knowledge that the Savior can remove our addictions and make us the kind of people we were meant to be. If you turn yourself over to Him you can become the young man that can look those girls back in the eye with no shame. You can be worthy of them."
posted at 17:16:33 on May 7, 2009 by justjohn
Pray Always    
"My heart aches for you. I know this is a hard thing to overcome, but you are worth it, you are. Go to Heavenly Father. Pray, tell him everything you are feeling. Pray every time you think about it or start to get down. You will be amazed at how much love you will feel even when you do not feel like praying or that your prayers are appropriate. You can feel good again. You will."
posted at 12:10:34 on May 8, 2009 by robin
Vitalize...    
"Hope4Change... I feel for you, and those are some of the same feelings that I feel most days... I am trying to learn this for myself too, but as we are caught up in these addictions we need to learn that our self-worth and worthiness is not based on somebody else's opinion or actions to us... That was one of the problems with me, I know my mother and my bishop tried to help me, but I grew a huge since of guilt and shame because of their disappointment in me, and my inability to control my addictions... After a brief time of small recoveries, I was humbled enough to realize that my mom and bishop still cared for me... but most importantly that our God loves us no matter what, and although of course he wants us to stop these behaviors he does not intend for us to despair in unproductive guilt and shame that only lead to hopelessness... God is our hope and faith, hopelessness is the opposite, it is not easy, and certainly I am working on this too... our shame and guilt should encourage us to come back, repent, and find that hope and faith again...

For the longest time I have constantly felt guilty because of my body's natural ways, even though I obsessively try to delete everything sexual that is a part of me, I can't... Instead I think it is better to acknowledge that we are sexual beings, (((which is extremely difficult for me to accept))) and with that instead of shutting it down, we must control and bridle our passions and us them correctly, according to God's commandments. We our attracted to members of the opposite sex... That is technically not wrong... However I know this sad feeling. I immediately think that this has relation to something inappropriate or even pornographic, so I quickly and obsessively run until all of my power is gone and crash... every... time :( … And then I get so mad at myself, I hate myself... But then I am not my body, I am a child of God, a spirit child of God... A God that loves me to give me this chance on earth, knowing I would make mistakes, literally almost like little children we see on earth make mistakes and learn to do better.

I admit at first I hated how God designed our bodies, but it is God's plan and it is a perfect plan if it is used as he intended it to be. God designed our bodies to be sexual beings, so because of that, without any help on our own, our bodies will natural go one way, such as being attracted to girls... However we must not hate ourselves for our body's tendencies. I hate it too?! It sickens me with so much guilt and shame that I can't even fight.

I also have sad experiences where I would look at girl inappropriately, a beautiful daughter of God, it made me so depressed that I wouldn't even talk to her when she said hi. But then one day I realized that trying to delete my brain's (body's) tendencies would always lead to defeat... The difference is that instead of obsessively running away from everything sexual, I would acknowledge that sexual self and simply dismiss the inappropriate thoughts by distracting myself with something else.

Again, I noticed this beautiful daughter of God, only in my mind at that time I turned my head away and said... “...ok you are attracted to her... One day God wants to help you use this attraction to form a relationship that brings trust and respect in marriage... where than a family can be raised to God... Right now the devil likes to use this attraction against God's plan, he uses your God designed body to trick you into a incorrect purpose of pornography and disrespect, which doesn't lead to happiness... I understand that this is the battle of the natural man as said in Mosiah... but I don't hate myself, nor do I hate my body, I know God still loves me as a son of God...instead I know what it is doing, and I will now control it, and use it for good.” … I then turned my head back to her, and said “Hi” instead of focusing on her body, I talked to her, getting to know how she was doing... I was accepting the spiritual side more than the physical side... And as God lives, the spirit has overcome the flesh, even though we are not perfect...

It makes me very happy to see your post again, you have no idea how glad I am to notice another young man... teenager... trying to overcome these struggles... for a long time I thought every man was doomed and didn't care about sexual control. Every day at school, they just make jokes about it, and act like that would be some kind of honest standard to live with complete sexually uncontrolled, ((yet such sadness that it has already brought many...pregnancy, divorce, disease...)) But there are many others out there that do care and want to, (or have) control(d) these things so that it might be used for good things only. Keep going Hope4Change, I know God loves you... I wish I could stay in control more often, I wish I could allow God's love all the time, but sometimes I shut the door on purpose because of my own unwillingness...
 
((also... I don’t know if you have tried or not... but talking about how you feel about this to your parents, and or bishop can be a great help and understanding...only if you feel that your parents and or bishop can help you feel good and hopeful about this though... after working things out at first... talking with my parents and bishop helped me to feel loved and cared for even though I had these many problems... Also realizing God's love...it also helped reflect the correct purpose of these situations...))

Keep going..."
posted at 11:49:00 on May 9, 2009 by Gondor44646


Add a Comment:


***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)








help
join
"The excuse is given that it is hard to avoid, that it is right at our fingertips and there is no escape. Suppose a storm is raging and the winds howl and the snow swirls about you. You find yourself unable to stop it. But you can dress properly and seek shelter, and the storm will have no effect upon you. Likewise, even though the Internet is saturated with material, you do not have to watch it. You can retreat to the shelter of the gospel and its teaching of cleanliness and virtue and purity of life. "

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004