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Lock-up... and the key?
By Gondor44646
3/9/2009 6:12:43 PM
Hello,

My mind is locking up right now; I started reading a book called Out Of The Shadows – Understanding Sexual addiction… I thought it was a good idea to read it; my previous counselor had recommended it to me. But I also thought that it might cause anxiety, stress, and a lock-up. And of course, it did. Grrr… everything is ok, but I don’t feel clear or comfortable now. So I hope nobody minds, I wish to type about it now so that I can let it go, or at least recognize that it is not worthy of any priority level in stopping life right now.

The book begins with a lot of good stuff… addictive belief patterns, behaviors and the cycle that addicts go through. It goes on to mention categorize that sexual addicts fall into. This one category mentioning masturbation and pornography… I am not 100% sure how to type this, the way I want to, but anyway, to say the least, obviously the world doesn’t care about masturbation ((( and I grudgingly admit that it doesn’t have to be the big evil problem I make it to be ))) but the book mentions it like the world anyway. It shows a difference between the “normal” and addicted thinking of it. It explains…”For the addict, however, masturbation becomes a degrading event…”

It shares a story that I think is the cause of my lock-up… The book explains how the collection of judgments and beliefs about masturbation from messages by parents, family and church tend to result in an equation of, masturbation = failure bad and or lack self-control… The book explains a story of a father teaching his son, his “belief system” ((masturbation is bad)) which in turn only makes the son dwindle in shame and to form a belief system that leads him to compulsion too.

So the problem I am having now is that this story feels a lot like my own story... In that, because I was told and taught that this was bad I formed this equation of failure to reinforce my hopelessness and trap in this. (( I masturbate, so I’m evil, bad and a failure in everything… this feeling still occurs though..)) So, but what do I do now? Would I have been better off if I was not taught this or if I just accepted the worlds view? … … … No, It is difficult for me to imagine thinking of it to being ok…. … which is fine, I can still believe masturbation is wrong, but I don’t have to think that God would completly destroy me or hate me just because of masturbation… or better yet… I believe that masturbation is wrong, but I can understand that God still loves me and wants to help me (overcome it) ((dang that sounds a lot better…)). So then every situation can be taken positively rather then self-defeating negative failure. And it is still possable to recover from it and accept my own personal opinion (without judging others) or feeling locked-up by others views ((judging others I admit might be difficult…)).

Ok! Wow… did I just type that? I feel better. I kind of answered it… oh well… there are still some lingering confusions, but as far as I am concerned, its all little stupid stuff that I refuse to give processing power to, therefore be gone stupid thoughts that waste my time… and now back to homework, and life… Thanks for letting me vent.

Gondor,

Comments:

Gondor    
"I want to let you know i am also a senior in High school and have been addicted to por* and Maturb* since i was 11. I know how you feel, i am at the point now in my life where i have lost everything because of this. I have no friends and all that i want is to feel loved. Something that i am having trouble feeling. I lack motivation and my birhday is this satureday, haha on my high school prom which i am not going to because of my lack of social standing at this point in my life. I am in such a large Catch-22. I dated a beautiful daughter of God for 8 months and was madly in love, sadly we did things we should not have and had a nasty break up after many failed attempts to stay clean. Its been 5 months since i have talked to her but i think about her every minute of every day and all i want is to know that this girl that i loved and that loved me does not hate me now. But she does and it has destroyed whatever was left of my soul. I have no will to try to be better. I am in a deep rut with daily sin. I need to escape but i am so lost and cannot find motivation. I have so much potential but it is all lost to this addiction, this crippling destroying parasite.
I related to you when i read one of your articles so i just thought i would let you know that somebody out there knows how you feel and how your whole life is a giant nightmare ahead of you that scares every good feeling away. "
posted at 02:49:04 on April 19, 2009 by calarie
I giv-... oh,    
"That is interesting... I was just about to type a post about how I am giving up, while then noticing this old post. I truly do want to give up; I hate myself so much that I would purposefully sabotage myself from even trying to get better. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to explain this irony... but as of right now I won't allow myself to be functional. I don’t like who and what I am... ((so change it?)) I must not know that there is a way. Theoretically it is possible for me not to indulge in my problems, but I suppose addiction means more than that.

These past months have been so hard. I go to school for nothing and I live life with no purpose in mind, only to continue destroying myself with that poison... There are things I want to do, or that I wish I wanted to do. But I see no reason for my being, let alone my hatred of myself. Why does God care for us?

I am sorry that you are feeling like crap too. I do have some friends, but because of my problem, anti-social, and protective, defensive, passive, behavior I avoid them, even though I am lonely. I decided that I would not go to prom a long time ago… I don’t even want to go to seminary graduation even though it is not too late for me to get my work done…

Our stories are similar my mother’s crying only made things worse, and I then just continued hating myself even more until I was destroyed, I became emotionless with the sadness, hatred and lack of support I felt. The logical thing would be to stop and repent, but something happened then that made this an issue that would effect my inner core beliefs, …my refusal to execute goals and to remain passive about life and even an inner secret passive hatred for myself (and perhaps my mom for neglecting me.) …I’m not 100% sure…

There is some other person out there that is also struggling with the same thing and wants to overcome it and avoid the world, ((avoid the world in both a good and bad way)) despite all the others who don’t care. ...

Did you type that post just now? I still think it is interesting just right now. I was honestly going to … but I suppose I will just pretend to be hopeful so that I can go to school and life trying not to fear, or even care… ( I feel so numb from all the pain… I wish I would say more, but that is all…)"
posted at 13:00:16 on April 19, 2009 by Gondor44646
brighten up    
"Keep in mind that lots of people have been where you are and experienced complete recovery. I hear lots of interesting things at group recovery meeting, but many people seem to focus on the importance of steps 1 and 2. Step 1 is where you admit that your life is unmanageable, and that you can't possibly change it on your own. At all. That is a big stumbling block for a lot of people. It was a huge stumbling block for me when I was your age (I'm about 8 years older than you I'd guess). Time wore me down considerably. However, once you admit it and understand it (it can take a lot of work, and I am still working on it) you get to work on step 2, which is all about hope.

When I am realizing that life is depressing and I am feeling shame, I try to think of the quote by David O. McKay (perhaps?) that talks about how Christ can make more out of your life than you can. He can deepen your joys, etc. When left to myself I make my life into a miserable existance, but he really can fix the things I've done wrong.

I used to think the same as you, that I could theoretically not indulge in my addictions. I am realizing more and more that that is a false statement. Every time I have tried I've made things worse. All I have is just enough strength to call on God, if I so desire. I had to do that about seven times earlier today walking around on campus.
Remember, you can be happy and Christ is mighty to save. Brighten up, you will get where you want to be if you just take it one step at a time. I'll keep you in my prayers as we all struggle with this together."
posted at 04:42:03 on April 22, 2009 by shale
question.    
"I don't know if I can say that my life is unmanageable, but my addiction certainly is beyond my own strength, one thing I'd like to here people's views are on the following. We are supposed to give our afflictions over to the lord, but then we are also supposed to do our part. I keep reading people saying that just trying to white knuckle through temptations, but isn't handing things over to the lord just being humble enough to accept him giving us the strength to be able to white knuckle through? I mean you can make progress in not having the desire to commit the sin anymore, but since it's an addiction there will be withdrawl symptons we have to white-knuckle through."
posted at 17:28:57 on April 22, 2009 by shadow


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"As Latter-day Saints, we need not look like the world. We need not entertain like the world. Our personal habits should be different. Our recreation should be different. Our concern for family will be different. As we establish this distinctiveness firmly in our life’s pattern, the blessings of heaven await to assist us."

— Robert D. Hales

"Gifts of the Spirit" Ensign, Feb. 2002