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My story (I hope it will have a happy ending)
By doyaluvme
3/3/2009 2:55:45 PM
Well, here's my (and my husband's) story:
I have been LDS my whole life. My husband joined the church in his late teens. He had some very difficult times during his childhood, including being abused by a 'friend'. My husband was very open to me about his addictions from the very beginning of our relationship. My husband is addicted to porn and also to wearing womens clothes. As we live in the Netherlands there are no recovery meetings close to us. My husband has been trying to overcome his addictions since he joined the church and has been to professionals with no help (they do not see these thing as sinful, but as an expression of who he is!). We have been together for almost 3 years, and married for almost 2. Throughout this time it feels like he has not progressed. He still 'falls' just as often as he did 3 years ago.
I also feel like my husband tries to make me feel guilty if I do not want to have sex when he asks for it; if I don't have sex with him than I am pushing him towards porn to satisfy him.
How can I stop feeling guilty in those situations, and how much longer can I support him when I see so little improvement?
He was disfellowshipped just before we were married, and was given his full membership back last summer (we are now sealed together and to our young son)
I feel completely lost as to what to do now. Any advise would be welcome.
Gemma

Comments:

sorry to hear of your struggles    
"If there is not a group and you are unable to get one started in your area the next best thing is to use the materials that groups use the one the church uses is "a guide to addiction and recovery it can be found at church distribution and online at www.arpgroups.com . I am a recovering addict of a 35+ year addiction. I found the most help from the book clean hands pure heart. The book can be found at deseret books. I have also put a site together for my pasg group and others to use. If you go on resources it has links to some great sites, including this one. the address is www.mypasg.com . I would be happy to help in any way I can. You should not feel guilty in any way it is not your fault and it is the addict talking in him when he says that he is being pushed towards porn. That is one of the many lies he believes, he is in DENIAL (Don't Even Notice I Am Lying.) . You need the 12 steps for you to recover. The group Heart t Heart has an online group every day and phone groups as well. There is alot of good stuff of the www.mypasg.com site. Let me know what you think. My wife of 25 years is also a missionary in the PASG program and I am sure she would be willing to correspond with you, she has been through decades of an addicted spouse.
your in my prayers
harveyf
Las Vegas Nevada"
posted at 15:33:36 on March 3, 2009 by harveyf
Praying    
"You are so strong, thank you for sharing, I can't imagine. I can relate at times I feel the progress of mine and my wifes relationship seeming like it only gets worse more often. Painful hurts have blocked me personally from seeing the progress. I do also feelhopeless at times. I hope it is not all bad and you can recover from the pain as well as him.
God bless you,"
posted at 01:57:48 on March 12, 2009 by sobermind
Surrender to Him    
"I hurt for you and your husband. I am sorry that you are so isolated. Even if there doesn't seem to be any other help, God can give you an amazing amount of support, guidance and strength. I've seen Him work some incredible miracles. One of my best friends was a homosexual pedophile and discovered the 12 Step program in prison. I would consider him fully recovered. My wife knows him and his past and we have still had him in our home. He has returned to full fellowship in the church and received his temple blessings back. He is also heterosexual oriented now. Many of us have struggles that have been with us as long as we can remember, but the world is wrong when it says we were born that way. It is just a cop-out so that they don’t need to change.

I used to use the same excuse for a relapse, but it is not your fault if he falls. It wasn’t before he married you and it isn’t now.

I pray that your husband can cling to the truth in the gospel and find the peace that the Savior has to offer. He suffered for everyone, so He can save your husband too.

I would try to get a meeting started through your local priesthood leaders if I were you. LDS Family Services has tried to put together all the materials needed to start a meeting anywhere. Unfortunately it doesn’t look like they have a Dutch version of the recovery manual yet. They do have it in a number of languages including Danish & German.

May God bless you."
posted at 19:48:27 on March 13, 2009 by justjohn


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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990