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Hard time....
By toes_23
12/22/2008 9:09:44 PM
I am truly having a hard time today. Really this last month has been one giant struggle. I have wanted to act out so bad. I almost feel like I need too... but that's just Satan talking .. and I know it.

I wish my husband didn't work so late into the evenings. That's when it's the hardest for me. Right after the kids' have gone to bed and before he gets home. Websites and images all come back to me and SCREAM at me to look at them.
I am trying to keep myself busy, making cookies, eating cookies, playing scrabble or word games on my ipod... but even that has an internet connection.

I just haven't trusted myself to be alone lately.

I "blame" most of my success on making a stupid bet with Matrix. Whoever acts out first has to 'volunteer' to give a talk in sacrament meeting. I guess if it works then it works right? I supposed being "scared sober" is better then acting out.

My husband has been extremely supportive. He doesn't want me to mess up either. I think this is the longest run I have ever had without acting out. It's been almost six months.

That is another reason I haven't acted out... I think my world revolves around numbers. I am very OCD when it comes to numbers. I always count how many stairs there are, or how many steps it takes to get to the mailbox, or how many pounds I've gained/lost, or how many times I hear "Little drummer boy" on the radio. So it makes sense that I really really don't want to have to reset my day counter to one again. I obsess almost over what day I'm on. It's probably not healthy.

Just some random thoughts I've been having lately that I needed to write down. Sorry if it's scattered.

Comments:

Good to write    
"I think it is good you've identified your difficult time. I wonder if you could come up with a list of healthy activities for that time period? Fail to plan, plan to fail?

Re: giving a talk, here are a couple of numbers: I actually was ASKED to give an 8-minute Sacrament meeting talk 2 weeks ago for yesterday (the 21st). After struggling all day Saturday with writing and re-writing, I realized I'd worked 1 hour for each minute of talk!! (and in fact, my talk couldn't have been written without the 40 years of living behind it, so each minute cost quite a bit, in a way.)

I tried to write the talk and had a hard time; got frustrated and prayed for help, and then it went a lot better. Isn't it always the way?

Good luck--keep writing, stay clean."
posted at 00:04:40 on December 23, 2008 by Anonymous
Reading the Book of Mormon    
"Hi Toes23,

Its good to hear from someone here. I guess Christmas has kept people away. Has Matrix gotten a hold of you yet about reading the Book of Mormon together? I would love it if you would join us. Oak is going to join and read. Talk to Matrix if you haven’t already. She will fill you in. I think this would be a great way for you to take up some of your idle time. I know it will for me. I don’t really have much idle time in my life right now with working three jobs and what not. If I had found time for my addiction I certainly can now replace it with healthy thinking and actions. I am really excited about reading it together. Let me know if you want too. We will be only reading one chapter a day. For me I will print out the chapter on my computer then carry it with me and read it every time I get down time. I hope to read it three to four times during the day. Then while I am working I can think about it and pray for what the Lord has for me in it’s verses. At night when I get home I will sit down and write what I got from that chapter and send an email to the next person, either Oak, Matrix or you and then you would add to the email your thoughts and then pass it to the next person until it gets back to the person that originated the email. It is very important that we keep the chain going every night. If you can’t because you won’t be around a computer then let the person know that sends to you that you aren’t available then they can send it to the nest person. You will at least get in your email what every one else has written. Then when you get time you can add to that days reading and send it out to everyone. Each week a different person would be assigned to originate the email and send it out. Once the email gets back to the originator then they would forward it to everyone so they could see what everyone else has written. It really shouldn’t take much time out of your day to do this. This is one of my too do’s to keep me in a white day. The farther I am from orange the better. I have spent some time on my knees and pondering this group method and I feel the Lord will inspire us to stay sober. Please if any one is interested you can email me at smwil46@msn.com. I know how anonymity is important to some people here. The same extends here as it does in the ARP meetings. Who you know here and what is shared here stays here. If you so wish to email by your user name then create an email address using your user name that you use here so we know who you are. This will help to keep anonymity, as for me I feel that I need to open about who I am and I am not afraid to give my real name. This helps me to keep honest with myself and others. I totally respect privacy.

Love

Scott"
posted at 06:38:20 on December 23, 2008 by smwil46
Sorry    
"Oh Toes, I'm so glad you’re still sober even if it has been a hard time lately. I'm sorry we haven't been able to talk in a while and that's really all my fault so sorry if it felt like abandonment. You're doing great though. I'm very impressed that you've done so well despite having such trials. I'm pray for your success daily and I know that if you keep working the steps, they'll keep working for you. I know you'll get to a point where this is no longer the biggest issue in your life. Keep going to the temple as well. That's probably a lot better then the bet we have going on. I love you so much, Toes. I hope you get another hour/day/week/month sober."
posted at 11:09:28 on December 29, 2008 by Matrix


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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987