All I Want For Christmas
By robin
12/11/2008 12:38:27 AM
Dear Santa,

Things have changed quite a bit since last year. I could really use the following:

1)I considered asking for a time machine. I would love to be able to go back in time and see what exactly has been happening on both sides of my marriage for 19 years. When and where did things occure, how I was so clueless and where and what I should or could have done differently. However, I don't think I can be trusted with a time machine. I am afraid of what I might do....sooo..... I want a memory pot like Dumbledore had in the Harry Potter Books. I want to be able to take out the things that are painful and only hurt me, my husband and our relationship.

I want the wisdom to know what to take out and what to leave, what to let sink to the bottom of the pot never to be remembered again. Please send me a DEEP pot, there are some things I don't want to see again.

I want to be able to share what is in the pot with those close to me. I want to be able to cry really hard with someone who really loves me, listen to what they have to say and afterward have them sink their memory of our conversation to the bottom of the pot too.

2) I want clones of my husband like in the show "Multiplicity". I want #1 to be a clone that I can talk to that will tell me the absolute truth about what has and is going on. #1 will not remember that I have asked the same questions before and won't mind me asking again. #1 doesn't have to remember what he said, because he tells me the truth, every time. I won't have to worry about the consequences of asking more questions . This clone can't shut down on me and make life miserable. He won't resent me and blame me for his addiction. He is just a clone.

I want another clone (#2) to be just what I thought my husband was before. Even if I can only see this clone once in a while, I need him so desperately. I miss so many things not being awkward. This clone will not feel like he is condemed and that he will never be able to make things up to me. I will not have a sinking feeling when he looks me in the eye and tells me he loves me. I will not wonder what and when he is thinking about other women. I will know that he is true through and through. I will not worry about where his heart really is. It is with me, where it always has been. This will be my favorite clone. I already love this clone. This is the one I yearn to be with and have lost. I can give my whole heart to him. I don't hold anything back. There is no reason for doubt. This would be such a valued gift. I would never take if for granted again and if I loose it, I won't ask for it back.

The third clone will have to be tough. To him I will say all the things I have not said to my husband. I have never yelled at my real husband. I don't even think I have said anything mean to him about his addiction.... but I will to this clone. He will be my punching bag....literally. I hope I will get so that I don't want to see him any more, but right now I could really use him.

Clone #4 will work with my husband. He will never put up with rationalizing or minimizing. He will help my husband admit that there are triggers, that he is not superman and needs to aviod them. He will help my husband realize his worth to me and to Heavenly Father. He will tell him not to mope, but to protect himself and his family from this addiction. He will help him see where he went wrong and help him accept the mercy he has received. This clone will help my husband see the value of another kind of intimacy.....sharing your feelings, your thoughts, yourself. He will learn to be comfortable there. Maybe this clone could help me too. I really don't understand how to make things better either. We may need more than one of clone #4.

Thank you Santa. If you can't bring any of the above. How about a nice, uninterupted nap?


Have you been in my head?    
"I think you were reading my mind today. I had at the top of my wishlist a friend that I could really open up to. Someone who wouldn't judge me or my husband but just listen and let me pour my heart out. Some one who would just validate my feelings, let me know I am not ridiculous. I would hate to dump this on someone 'cause who would want to hear it? I don't know who to talk to. I feel like I am betraying my husband just by posting here. I want to scream but I don't. I want to cry, but I don't. I want to have somebody understand how I feel and know that they truly get it."
posted at 23:22:29 on December 11, 2008 by solonely
"I may have been in your head, because at times I am pretty sure I am out of mine! I know what you are saying. I think if I had not have this sight I may have been ready for the glue factory by now.

Pick me! (from Shrek) I will be your friend. I will understand. I know what you mean about feeling quilty for coming here.....I do too at times. My husband REALLY doesn't like it. But this sight has helped me work through a lot. I have a ton more to figure out, but at least I know there are good people like you who are with me....gotta go kids need me."
posted at 23:41:51 on December 11, 2008 by robin
"Your post made me want to cry, Robin. Because I want all those things too and I stopped believing in Santa a long time ago. I mostly want Clone #2. I would give anything to have that clone. Have you ever considered printing this post off and letting your husband read it? You can't read it without feeling your pain as well as your love for your husband. Might it help him "get you"? Just a thought."
posted at 08:42:26 on December 12, 2008 by sierra
I Don't Know    
"I have just about given up talking to him about his addiction. I had so much hope after counseling. I think he had finally started to accept the "addiction" tittle as not meaning pervert, but addiction and real. Now he seems to have gone back to thinking it is a big deal to me, but not uncommon and he fought a good fight while he was there and I just need to stop making a big deal about it. That is not what he says, but that is my perceiption of how he acts. It seems that any time we talk it just sends him into a depressed state and ruins whatever good we had going for a while. I did have the courage yesterday to ask him to please not go to "movie" sites anymore. I think he feels he is cured and has the self control he needs with his new understanding of things. Movie sites are where he would get into trouble before and I just can't stand the thought of him going there again. He said "sure , I won't go", but has been aloof since. He was so good at minamizing before I am just terrified it will start again.

I don't want to hurt him. I think my post would hurt him. He seems to want to make things better and frustrated that we can't just snap back to where we were before I knew. I would just love to "snap back", but my heart is broken. I keep thinking that if I was a better person and really believed in the miracle of Christ that I would be all smiles with no worries. Is this my defining moment? Am I of such little faith that I can't get over this? I don't know. I am still working hard to be a good mom and wife and that is just the best I can do right now. I am not sure I know how to get this terrible ache in my soul to go away, but for now I will just keep trying to make things work and be happy. I am rambling, basically I think this post would make him angry ;o). I don't blame him. I would hate to see a post on how I have broken his heart, which I think I have. I think I have failed him."
posted at 10:53:03 on December 12, 2008 by robin
To Robins Husband    
"Hi my name is Scott,

I understand how difficult life may be in or out of this type of addiction. I have been dealing with it most of my life. If you ever get the opportunity to look at this process the Lord revealed to me about using colors to guide your day, will you let me know what you think? I’m sure there will be more changes to it as time goes. There may even be things that need to be added step by step in this progress. I know you don’t struggle with the black issues that I have so you can ignore that part. Help me prefect it if you would. It really does work for me.


posted at 07:37:59 on December 13, 2008 by smwil46
Oh Robin    
"You have written so beautifully. I wish every LDS husband who thinks it is no big deal to ignore the counsel of our leaders regarding chastity and morality could read your post, and understand the cryings and sobbings of brokenhearted wives (and children) that go up to Heavenly Father.

Let's compare. You don't want him to go to sites where he might be tempted to sin. He doesn't want you to go to a site where you might find comfort and healing. How sad that he is so blind right now, in this area.

I've had 30+ years with my husband, MANY of them very sad and painful, too, because of blindness on both of our parts. I hate that it can be so hard; and think it is just one more reason to be nice to everyone, because you never know who is suffering. May God bless you, Robin. I really appreciate your kindness to everyone here, too."
posted at 08:36:52 on December 13, 2008 by stargazer
"What would you do with all those husbands?? One is high maintenence enough for me. :)"
posted at 14:11:56 on December 13, 2008 by Anonymous
"too bad we don't practice polygamy anymore ;D"
posted at 16:11:54 on December 13, 2008 by Anonymous
Hang in there    
"Robin, you have not failed your husband. You are staying with him trying to work through this addiction with him. I think if you truly had failed him you would have immediately kicked him to the curb when you first learned of his addiction. You would have called him all kinds of hurtful, mean names. You would have demeaned him, belittled him, shamed him for his addiction. You would not have been hurt by his actions.

Instead, you have chosen to stand by him. You have gone to counseling in an effort to heal. You have an awareness that you need to forgive. You have shown love and concern for his needs. You are a good mom. You truly are doing the best you can right now. I think everyone that reads your blogs would agree with me.

I don't know how long it will take to get over the hurt, pain, sadness, and grief you feel. I wonder that myself everyday. Lately I've had the thought that my husband has had 30 years of sexual sin to process through what he's done to himself and at least one of those years (last year) invovled in affairs. I've had four months! Everything I read says that it's gong to take time to process through these intense emotions we feel. My Bishop says it may take years. So I try not to get too discouraged with the process. It's difficult not to though.

A thought my therapist gave to me that helped me one night. If I didn't love and care for my husband so much it wouldn't hurt so much. I shared this with my husband when he was feeling down about my pain. He also has concerns that I will never be able to fully forgive him. I told him that I thought that the fact that I stayed to try to work things out with him showed a great deal of forgiveness on my part and that I was confident that complete forgiveness will eventually come.

I do understand your comment about feeling like you've failed him. Last night we went to a work party in Salt Lake and stayed at the Little America Hotel. Hotels are triggers for me for sadness (my husband travels for work and his affairs took place while on business trips). Also, last year we had a similar work party and I was living in Texas at the time. My husband's work flew me to Utah for the work party which was coincidentally at the Little America. I was so excited for the trip last year. I made a big effort to lose some more weight to look good for my husband. I bought new clothes. I was so excited to spend time with him. When we met up in Utah (he had been in Utah for a couple of months working and living without me and the kids while I tried to sell the house in Texas), he had nice gifts for me, showered me with attention, it was so wonderful--it was a very happy memory until recently. I now know that he was cheating on me during this time period. That memory has been ruined for me. I feel like such a fool! It makes me mad that he was so phony to me--he lied to me!

Anyway, because of my sad feelings and the pain of the memories, I wasn't much fun this weekend. Today in the car on the way home we stopped to do some shopping and he turned to me and said that he was glad we were going shopping together because he wanted to spend more time with me because he enjoyed my company so much. I teared up and thought "How can he think that? I know he can tell I'm sad. I really haven't been very good company." I felt bad that I hadn't been happier the last couple of days.

We all have our ups and downs. My days have been mostly down. But once in a while I do get a small up to keep me going. I do feel like I'm doing the right thing by working this out with my husband. The Savior won't give up on him and neither will I.

One more thing, I recently read the book "Gethsemane" by Andrew Skinner. It is all about the Atonement. One thing that really hit me when I read his book is that Christ really struggled in the Garden of Gethsemane--the amount of pain and anguish he felt caught him off guard. And I remember thinking that no where in the scriptures does it say that Christ was happy and joyful during this experience. They only describe the pain, suffering, and agony of the experience. And the scriptures talk about the triumph of the experience. The lesson to me was that I don't have to be happy about what I'm going through--I don't think that is an expectation the Lord has of me. But I can overcome this trial and the happiness and joy will come back into my life.

Keep hanging in there--and fight the lies that Satan plants in your mind that you are a failure because you are not! Beilieve it! You have not failed your husband. God bless you in your continuing efforts to fight your husband's addiction. God bless your husband to soften his heart to recognize you efforts on his behalf."
posted at 20:05:12 on December 13, 2008 by bikermom
Sounds so Familiar    
"Bikermom, your postsounds so familiar, so familiar. I think you are amazing and I really appreciate your posts. Your comments about Gethsemane have given me a lot to think about. I had never thought about that. Life is good. Again, thank you."
posted at 10:48:40 on December 15, 2008 by robin
Yes, Bikermom    
"I love your comments. I want that kind of wisdom and compassion. Thanks for your insight."
posted at 22:39:34 on December 15, 2008 by Anonymous

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"The excuse is given that it is hard to avoid, that it is right at our fingertips and there is no escape. Suppose a storm is raging and the winds howl and the snow swirls about you. You find yourself unable to stop it. But you can dress properly and seek shelter, and the storm will have no effect upon you. Likewise, even though the Internet is saturated with material, you do not have to watch it. You can retreat to the shelter of the gospel and its teaching of cleanliness and virtue and purity of life. "

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004