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So...
By toes_23
12/3/2008 10:45:50 PM
My husband and I are both addicts. We both have problems with pornography and the capital "M" word.

A few months ago we made a choice to not watch rated R movies. We both agreed that we have been doing so well with our addictions that we needed to step it up a notch, so we got rid of all our rated R movies, and got copies of the ones we really like, edited. To be honest I think it has been harder on us to not watch R movies then it is to not give in to our addictions (at least lately... of course the addiction is worse).

Yesterday we both caved. I let him go rent a movie. When he brought it home I knew that we shouldn't watch it. I even told him that we shouldn't... he told me that if I didn't want to watch it then we wouldn't. Then I said that I never said I didn't WANT to watch it... I did want to watch it. Badly. The movie was OBVIOUSLY an inappropriate one. It was OBVIOUSLY pornographic... so I wanted to watch it.

So we did. We have NEVER indulged in our addiction to pornography together. NEVER. I didn't want this movie to be the "gateway" drug to doing it together. I know Satan has been pushing us to... anyway about 15 minutes into the movie I said to my husband... I can't do this... I am having a hard time.. we need to stop. Then I couldn't even be intimate with him because I felt so dirty.

Funny thing is .. I've been feeling like I've been needing pornography to make our intimate life better... (which is part of the reason I let him rent the video) I've never felt that way before.. I've never even used it before like that.

So...?

Comments:

im so sorry    
"We deal ourselves some hard blows sometimes. I still remember the single worst thing I have ever done. It was a real shocker to me, done completely out of spite and evil intentions. I went to a bad store which happened to have a bad club. I'd never done either before. Same as you, it lasted about 15 minutes before I was so sick I left weeping. I couldn't function well at all afterwards.
It could easily have become a gateway to greater and more frequent sin if I let it. What I did is let it open my eyes to the peril of my situation. I have been far from perfect since that event but I have never, ever, ever set foot in any of those places since and I will never again. I am ashamed to admit it, even on here where I am mostly anonymous. Sometimes a slip in the wrong direction, moreso than usual, can wake us up from a "deep sleep." Look at 2 Ne 1 :13:

"O that ye would awake; awake from a deep sleep, yea, even from the sleep of hell, and shake off the awful chains by which ye are bound, which are the chains which bind the children of men, that they are carried away captive down to the eternal gulf of misery and woe."

Doanair posted some notes a couple of years ago:
ldsar.org/ViewBlog.aspx?EntryId=1311
I especially like the part that says intensity != intimacy and the explanation. Maybe you will find that helpful.

You CAN recover and you CAN put this behind you!"
posted at 00:46:12 on December 4, 2008 by roast_rump
Toes 23    
"Hi Toes 23,

A couple of years ago I was so hooked on watching TV that I could see it controlling my life. I was renting collage dorm movies about sex and what not. I was renting TV series like 24, Lost, ect…. I was so engrossed into these TV shows because it was the only thing I could do to help me deal with my addiction to sex. It was a diversion of my attention so I didn’t have to think about my addictive tendencies. When my wife and I made love my mind was not on her but on the girls that I saw in the movies and mostly the porn I was watching on the internet. That was not making love. That was just sex. It should never be about having sex. It hurt my wife when I confessed that I was having troubles with my thoughts when we were making love. I finally realized that I had to do away with watching TV and looking at porn. altogether. I spend most of my time now reading, spending time with my wife, blogging here and going to my addiction recovery meetings and of course working. This is so hard for me because my addictive tendencies are to take the easy road and that is to give in to the flesh. I was at a point that I loved the flesh and all the gratifications that come with it. We are such an enemy to the spirit of God. I am finding the more I change the more joy I have in the spirit of the Lord. You have probably experienced this more than I have. I am just in the beginning of my recovery. One thing you said about you and your husband having the same addictive tendencies was something I always felt that if my wife was dealing with the same thing that how much easier it would be to understand each other. How has that worked for you? I hope you don’t mind me asking. I have often thought that my wife would be better without me and that I would find someone who has had problems with masturbation and pornography. I have had friends that were Naturists and I got involved with that for a while. I had no problems with going to parties where everyone was naked. We even sang karaoke naked. I met several women there that were single. My wife would have no part of it. I was having fun but that’s all it was, was gratification of the flesh. I wonder if it would have been different if I had been single. I’m sure it would have been. I love who I am becoming now and I am willing to give up all those other things to find great joy in the spirit of the Lord. Thank you for your post to me yesterday. It ment so much to me to hear from you. My prayers go out to you and your husband.

Love ya

Scott"
posted at 05:25:23 on December 4, 2008 by smwil46
counsel from the prophet    
"I read your post Toes and was thrilled that you and your husband had gotten rid of all your rated R movies but so disappointed that it lead you to rent one. I am glad you didn't watch all of it though.
I have been reading talks from the most recent General Conference and I loved the talk by Pres. Monson on finding joy in the journey - something I need to work on. But this quote stood out to me as I read your post. "This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not."
Some other conference quotes that I love that our on this site are all by Larry W. Gibbons from the October 2006 Gereneral Conference
""We cannot keep one foot in the Church and one foot in the world. One reason is the world and the Church are rapidly diverging. We will lose our balance.We know that "no man can serve two masters." Some, I fear, are attempting to do what President Marion G. Romney described as trying to "serve the Lord without offending the devil." "

"Brothers and sisters, stay on the straight and narrow path. No, stay in the middle of the straight and narrow path. Don't drift; don't wander; don't dabble; be careful. Remember, do not flirt with evil. Stay out of the devil's territory. Do not give Satan any home-field advantage. Living the commandments will bring you the happiness that too many look for in other places. "

"Brothers and sisters, let's sell that summer cottage in Babylon. Let us be not "almost" but "altogether" Latter-day Saints. ""
posted at 15:00:37 on December 4, 2008 by Anonymous
well...    
"To answer your question Scott, I cannot think of a better person to be supported from then by my husband. When I mess up he knows what it's like. When I am wanting to give in, he knows. We have conversations about our addictions all the time. He knows what I am going through. Yes I am hurt when he messes up, but I don't feel like he's cheating on me, I don't feel like he's a loser and not trying. I know hard it is. We don't just feel sympathy for each other we have empathy.

I wouldn't wish this addiction on anyone, and I'm not happy that we are both addicts, but I can't think of a better person to go through recovery with. It's something we work on together.

At times it has been awkward because I don't know if I should hang with the loved ones or that addicts (I'm more comfortable with the addicts by the way) because I am both. But things have worked out.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, I am kind of curious though... do I need to talk to the bishop about this? I mean I haven't really acted on my thoughts, except for the first 15 minutes of a stupid video... but after "tasting" that I don't even want to go there... but should I? I mean the fact that I am even asking the question makes me think I should.. any thoughts?"
posted at 18:11:04 on December 4, 2008 by toes_23
p.s    
"roast rump that was a beautiful blog! Thanks for sharing the link with me. It's just what I needed."
posted at 18:16:35 on December 4, 2008 by toes_23
so...    
"Thanks everyone for your suggestions, I am kind of curious though... do I need to talk to the bishop about this? I mean I haven't really acted on my thoughts, except for the first 15 minutes of a stupid video... but after "tasting" that I don't even want to go there... but should I? I mean the fact that I am even asking the question makes me think I should.. any thoughts?""
posted at 20:54:35 on December 9, 2008 by toes_23
Talking to your bishop    
"Toes-

I may not be the best person to give this advice since i just screwed up myself and am dreading seeing my bishop-so maybe take it with a grain of salt. But I dont think it is necessary in this instance to talk with your bishop. The last time I talked to my bishop (about porn, not masturbating) he told me that my recovery was a process, and that I might screw up and watch things I shouldn't in the future, but that the goal was for these instances to get farther and farther apart until they were gone all together. I asked him if I needed to come in and report everytime I slipped with the internet/ books/ TV, etc, and he said no, only if it was happening often and was a consistent problem. Otherwise it is something I could take care of through repentence on my own.

It sounds to me like you are making definite progress, and that this instance was one of those slip ups along the way that caught you off guard. Now if it happens again and becomes a problem, thats a different story. And, of course, if you choose not to speak to your bishop but still feel the spirit urging you to do so, than take that as your greatest advice.
Keep up the good work- every action you take in the right direction (no matter how small) increases your ability to do more!!"
posted at 02:43:51 on December 10, 2008 by purityquest
This Is How I Judge...    
"This is what I do to see if I need to talk to my bishop although I don't know if it'll help. I imagine, "Even if I repent to just my Heavenly Father, would I still feel comfortable and clean going to the temple?" If I feel okay with going, then I don't need to talk to the bishop. If I still feel gross and dirty, I go see my bishop. Usually I only see him for more physical stuff but thats still how I do it. I dunno if it'll work for you but you can try it anyway."
posted at 09:17:58 on December 10, 2008 by Matrix
thanks    
"Iin this instance I don't think I will go see the bishop. I talked with the Lord about it and I think that He is proud of me for how well I've been doing. So I'm just not going to dwell on it and move on with recovery.

Thanks for you thoughts. Sometimes I feel like when I blog no one really "listens"... So thanks."
posted at 16:13:46 on December 13, 2008 by toes_23


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"We cannot keep one foot in the Church and one foot in the world. One reason is the world and the Church are rapidly diverging. We will lose our balance.We know that "no man can serve two masters." Some, I fear, are attempting to do what President Marion G. Romney described as trying to "serve the Lord without offending the devil." "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006