One Month "Sober"
By Matrix
11/24/2008 10:13:16 PM
I'm sorry I'm blogging so much about random stuff. Just getting built up thoughts out there I guess. Anywho, I know I blog and read a lot about the hard times so I wanted to post something good. It won't be quite how I'd like it to be since it's been a long day and I'm not quite feeling it like I was this morning but I'll share anyway. So, I've been clean and sober for 31 days now going on 32. Time passed quite quickly which I've been grateful for. I also met with my bishop on Sunday very briefly. He said I could start taking the sacrament again since my last relapse and he also said I can go to the temple again. I haven't been since June because of my mistakes and I've very excited to be able to go. I promise I will go this time because I didn't even make it a week last time before I relapsed. It will be better this time. I'm so excited to go that I'll probably cry. Just thought I'd let you all know. Have a great night and a great Thanksgiving. I'm grateful for a wonderful brother who has removed my shortcomings and a loving Father who cares about me very deeply. I'm so thankful that I've been given a chance to get to know them better even if it's not how I had planned. I love you all.


Oh how I yearn to be worthy to go to the Temple    
"Congrats Matrix, you are a great inspiration to us all. I admire your desire to serve the Lord. I am right behind you.

It has been almost three weeks since I have slipped. Of course a relaps for me is a lot worse that masturbating once or twice.. It has been three months since I relapsed. I have a very strong desire to know my Savior. If I let that go for even a moment I could slip again. As Long as I go to the meetings I am doing good. I am worried this week because I can’t go to the meetings like I have in the past. I have some work I have to get done or I will lose my second job. We need the income from it deeply. For the next week or two I won’t be able to go to all my meetings. I will however continue to pray and write here when I can. Please remember me in your prayers. I feel strength when Prayer are said for me. As we pray for each other the Lord strengthens us.

It has been 10 years since I have been to the Temple. When I did go those couple of time I did not feel worthy to be there. I was still in my addiction of Pornography and masturbation. I was not exposing at the time so it was easy for me to lie to my bishop. When I really think about it Im not sure I have ever been worthy to be there. I guess that’s why this time I will not go unless I can be 100% honest about my addiction. This site and going to meetings has helped me to become honest about everything I do and think. I feel like I have been released from prison for the first time in my life. Im sure it will be a while before I am able to go. Matrix, will you do me a favor when you go to the temple? Will you put my name there in the prayer rolls? It would mean the world to me if you would do that. My full name is Scott Wilson. I do not want to hide in my addiction any longer. I cry in the depths of my soul to be with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ when I leave this earth.

Again Matrix I admire you and everyone here so much.
posted at 03:30:31 on November 25, 2008 by smwil46
Happy for you!    
"Matrix I am so happy for you!! You are doing so well!! I am glad you are being successful in your efforts to be "sober". You're faith keeps me strong. I was/am particularlly having a hard time this week staying sober. No mess ups thank goodness.. but the "itch" is there. I don't want to slip. I keep thinking of how wonderful you are doing and I don't want to disappoint you or myself. I am 143 days sober.. the most I've ever gone I think.. so I don't want to mess it all up. :) Thanks for your inspiration. I love you Matrix!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!"
posted at 20:51:21 on November 25, 2008 by toes_23
One Day at a Time    
"I'm happy for you too, Matrix! I'll be thinking about you this Sunday when they pass the Sacrament, and will be praying for you, too.

There are three kinds of people in Sacrament Meeting--those who partake worthily, those who do not partake because they have had the courage and strength to repent and work the program, and those who partake unworthily. How marvelous the the Lord has given us a moment, each week, to pause from this busy world, be still, examine ourselves, and remember Him.

One month of sobriety is so great!! Each clean day is a blessing.

I've been very humbled by my experience the last 3 months. I had a month of sobriety, then slipped, then started a new, overwhelming job and could not get my recovery back. It's taken about 2 months. I've been reading here every day, and that has helped me realize my predicament, and what I have to do. As an addict, I don't think very clearly or make good choices when temptation is before me; I so easily forget that I have a serious problem. Miraculously, I've had 2 clean days, am starting my 3rd, and realize anew how hard it is to come back. I feel like I fell in the quicksand for 2 months, and have just barely gotten on solid ground.

So--I rejoice with you that you have the month of sobriety, but since I had this bad experience, I caution you to continue to take it one day at a time, praying for help each morning and giving thanks each evening; working the program. I appreciate what Oak said about the temple helping us, and hope to add regular temple attendance to my program of recovery. As LDS addicts, we are so blessed to have the Sacrament and the temple as strengths. We have much for which to be thankful this special weekend."
posted at 09:43:41 on November 26, 2008 by stargazer
"Congrats! I recently got a "limited use" recommend and I was so excited. My branch president told me I would have to have 9 weeks clean and a couple of weeks ago I asked him "When do you think I will be ready to get a recommend", he thought about it and then said, "now", I was so excited. I was going to go and do baptisms (I am not endowed yet) on Monday morning, with my roommate--we woke up at 5:00 and got to the temple at around 5:30 (I needed to get finished before I went to work), but alas, our temple is closed on Mondays, so I haven't been able to go yet.
But when the branch president gave me my recommend, it was the most amazing feeling. I don't believe I have ever had a recommend when I KNEW I was worthy to have it, but I am now 82 days clean, and I am starting to have the spirit in my life in a way I have never experienced, and I am beginning to understand what it means to "always have his spirit to be with [me]". I am so grateful for a branch president who didn't let me "off the hook", but made me go through the entire repentance/addiction recovery process. This is not the first time I have talked to a bishop about this problem--I have been through several, starting 14 years ago, as a teenager, but with the Lord's help, I am confident that this will be the last time I will need to go through this, it's going to work this time."
posted at 10:58:20 on November 26, 2008 by ican
I Totally Rock!!    
"On Friday, I went to the temple for the first time since June. It was interesting because while I was waiting (for over 2 hours) I kept getting the feeling that I didn't belong there. It wasn't the same guilty feeling like I'd get if I'd mess up, it was the same feeling I got before I knew I had an addiction. I kept telling myself that I could be there because I've confessed to the bishop and gone through the proper channels to be there. I also thought that maybe it was Satan whispering in my ear but Satan can't get in the temple, can he? Anywho, that's how I felt and maybe I'm really not worthy to be there yet or maybe I just haven't truly forgiven myself but I do plan to go the temple often. The temple is the one place I feel truly at peace. The fights I normally have with my thoughts aren't fights when I'm sitting in the temple. They are like looking at a billboard on the freeway, there for a second but gone just as quickly and you never give it another glance. I know going to the temple really does help strengthen you especially when dealing with an addiction. The more you go, the stronger you get.

To Scott, I didn't put you on the prayer roll and I'm really sorry. I can only do baptisms and they shuffle you through so you don't get a chance. I've been praying really hard for you though and I hope it helped. You're doing awesome. Oh, a suggestion I heard that might help was when you are tempted to act out, think of all the consequences. An example for me would be if I slip, I'll be happy for about an hour. After an hour, I'll start to get sad then as time progresses, I'll feel guilty and become depressed. I may act out again because I'm so sad and the guilt and depression will get worse. I'll end up binging until I feel so horrible that I cry all the time. I'll isolate my family and friends and get mad at them for no reason. I'll feel guilty at church and school and work will start to suffer. My grades will slip and at work, I will do a poor job as an employee. I think you get the idea, hopefully. I really don't know if that will help you. I just heard that's what they tell alcoholics and drug addicts to do so I thought I'd suggest it.

Thanks for all the rest of the responses. It makes me feel so welcomed and loved when I get responses especially when I'm doing well. Toes, I've been praying like crazy for you. Every chance I get I pray for you and I've fasted as well. I pray for so many people here because I hate seeing someone suffer, even if it was their own choices that lead to the suffering. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and found something to be grateful for. I love you all."
posted at 01:32:59 on November 30, 2008 by Matrix
Thanks Matrix...    
"I've really needed them... It's been a really tough last couple of weeks. Seeing so much family can really be stressful and has made me want to act out... oddly enough, looking back on my week I have felt your prayers and thank you for them!

Way to go to the temple! I am happy for you! :)"
posted at 19:03:40 on November 30, 2008 by toes_23
"I am happy for you Matrix. You are helping a lot of people here. May God bless you."
posted at 10:32:46 on December 1, 2008 by robin
I have felt your prayers    
"Thank you so much Matrix,

It really helps me when I know people are praying for me. Sometimes even if I don’t know I can still feel their prayers. You are a huge support and example to me. I am going to start keeping a picture of the temple with me all the time as a reminder of that goal I have. I think it will help a lot.

I also love the fact that you feel good about yourself. Even if you slip a little you should never give up feeling that way. We came here knowing we would not be perfect. God knew we would slip and slide in this life. That’s why he provided a way through the Atonement for us to recognize and concur. I love you Matrix.

posted at 04:59:14 on December 2, 2008 by smwil46

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"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988