Hi Robin
By smwil46
11/23/2008 3:38:56 AM
What are you doing up so late?


caught me ;o)    
"Hey, it is later where you are buddy! Get to bed!"
posted at 01:23:07 on November 24, 2008 by robin
It's the best time for me to spend with my Lord and Savior    
"At night for me is my time to spend with my Savior. I had a missionary the other day ask me how I find the time to do 10 meetings a week and still work two jobs. I told them I have no idea except for the fact my Savior has found the time for me. Then it came to me. I am spending the time in the Lord right now as much or more as I was spending in my addiction. It was really difficult for me to imagine that I was spending around 5 hours a day totally into my fantasies and acting them out, some days were longer some shorter, but I was averaging 5 hours a day. That’s 25 hours a week, 100 hours a month, 1200 hours per year. That’s a lot of acting out. I would have to say for at least 25 years of my life was spent in that much time in my addiction. That would be at least 3o,ooo hours of my life was spent looking for opportunities to act out in public in my addiction. That’s to overwhelming for me to think about. The neat thing about it all is that the Lord has helped me to change my thinking processes within two months to not want to act out at all, but rather spend that time in his word and sharing his love. That’s why I go to 10+ meetings a week. That’s not counting church on Sunday. I am the type of person that if you dedicate yourself to something you go for it all the way never giving up. My commitment with the Lord is to attend this schedule of meetings for 12 weeks. For the month of November I have already attended 37 meetings in 23 days. I am leaving no room for Satan in my life.

The thing I am working on right now is my thoughts. I have totally withdrawn from the world as much as I can. No TV, No surfing the net. I only spend time in this site blogging. I am reading a lot and writing. My forth step is a big one. I will be on it for a long time. I could write a thick book on my acting outs. I have had to totally given up the gym and many other things I loved to do. I used to tan in the tanning salons a lot. I worked out to keep myself fit for exposing. I was so much into my body and wanting to show it to other that it was an obsession. Exposing was my God. I get sick when I think about it. Now that I want to change it’s not really that hard to give it up because imagining that my God was fixating on others looking at me naked is really disturbing to me. I know my Father loves me because some how I never got caught in all the hours I spent in my addiction. When I was finally arrested I knew it was going to happen because I was prompted about a week before I was arrested. I will say it again that being arrested was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I never knew how to have a relationship with my Savior. It is my desire to spend the rest of my living days on this earth in the service of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It is my desire to spend every breath thinking of him and others as he would want me to see them.

I have a strong testimony of the 12 step program. I really can only say two words about it that describes the bottom line of it and that is IT WORKS. This web site works. It has allowed me to share things I have needed to share that I couldn’t in the meetings. There are many books I want to read that I know will help me, but right now I am focusing on the scriptures, Specifically the Book of Mormon. The other thing that has helped me and that is being completely honest about what my addiction is and being open with everyone I know about the nature of my addiction and many I don’t know. As much as it has hurt my pride I have been completely honest in my wrongs. I guess hurting my pride is what needed to happen. I’m sure this is not easy for my wife. She wants to move out of the state once I have been in recovery for a while. She really doesn’t want to face people for the rest of her life knowing that they know what I have done. I don’t have a problem with it as long as we can put it behind us and move on. I think it will keep me on the right path if everyone I knew was watching me.

Robin, you asked why I am up in the middle of the night so much? Well it’s because thats when I spent all my time in porn. I now spend it in therapy with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and writing to you all my brothers and sisters that I love so much.

posted at 04:33:09 on November 24, 2008 by smwil46
"You must run on very little sleep. Are you tired all the time?"
posted at 20:07:26 on November 24, 2008 by robin
"No, I go to bed early and I get up for a couple of hours at night, then go back to bed and get up early. I just like being up around 2am by myself because it is so peasefull. I love the serenity and quiet when i spend time with my Savior. I feel like I have to make up for lost time. You may not believe me but I cry from the depths of my heart from my sins and I want so much to know my Lord and Savior I would go without sleep if I had to to know him.

posted at 21:41:00 on November 24, 2008 by smwil46

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"Develop discipline of self so that, more and more, you do not have to decide and redecide what you will do when you are confronted with the same temptation time and time again. You need only to decide some things once. How great a blessing it is to be free of agonizing over and over again regarding a temptation. "

— Spencer W. Kimball