By sierra
10/17/2008 11:37:16 AM
I'm crazy busy today. I have so much to do but I had to sit and take a minute to write whats been going on with me the last few days. I don't know if I'm just procrastinating the long list of things to get done or if someone out there needs to hear it.

The last year and a half has been such an up and down rollar coaster. I hate rollar coasters. Always have. Like many others, I'm sure, I have okay days, and awful days. My husband has been "clean" for a year now. Yet, still it's like I'm just waiting. Waiting for him to screw up and have the hell start all over again. Last Saturday night, we went on a date. Something that we have been religious about doing every weekend. We simply don't give that time up for anything. We make time now. Something that we rarely did before. Now we do. So, we're sitting at our favorite restaurant eating and I was looking at him and I was just overwhelmed. I had this surge of love and fear come over me all at once. I started bawling right there. I love him so much it hurts. It hurts to love him. It physically hurts. I have wished many times that I could stop. It would be so much easier. So..I have this love wash over me and right on it's heal this wave of terror. Terror that we're not going to make it. Terror that he won't be able to be true to me. Terror that we will try and try and in the end I will spend eternity with someone else. And fear that I just will never be able to completely forgive and it will be held against me on Judgement day. We have all been taught that we must forgive to be forgiven. What if I cannot be forgiven for my many wrongs because I just cannot get completely over this? So I was terrified sitting there at dinner. It just came out of the blue. So my loving husband asked me what "is going on in that pretty head of yours?" I told him. I told him how scared I was that we wouldn't make it. Either because of him or because of me. I don't want to spend eternity either alone or with someone else. I want to be a family and it's all so uncertain. We talked for a long time. Mostly he talked and I cried. Our poor waitress. Anyways, he said some things to me that touched my heart. He told me that he will spend every day for the rest of his life making up for the pain he has caused me. That when he goes out to serve in his calling that he always does it in the hope that our marraige will be blessed and I will be healed.When he prays daily he pleads for me. Every time he prays he prays that I can be okay again and that we can get that trust back. He told me that he will die before hurting me again. It's beyond hard to believe someone who has so consistently lied to you. But something happened at dinner. I KNEW he was being sincere. I have had this happen once before to me...when I knew without a doubt that he was telling the truth. Alot of the time I just wonder and hope. This time the Spirit testified to me that Heavenly Father was mindful of our situation and that my husband was doing absolutely everything he could to make this right so our family could spend eternity together. I KNEW that my husband loved me deeply and eternally. It's so easy to feel unloved when you have been hurt in this way. But I KNEW he loved me and cherished me and that he had NOT cheated on me in the past year. It was a comforting feeling like I haven't felt in awhile. Just a peaceful feeling that it would all work out if we just didn't give up and had faith. Fear and faith cannot go together. When I fear and fear and fear that bad things are going to happen then I can't also have faith. They simply don't go together. As my husband left this morning for work we stood by the door and we held each other for the longest time. Not saying anything. Just clinging to each other. Again, that feeling of "it's going to be okay" came over me and I have felt such peace today. After my husband walked out the door my 12 year old son (who was watching us around the corner) said "Mom! Dad just kissed you 42 times all over your face!" He had counted! What a weird kid! :) I know my husband loves me and I know he is sorry to the depths of his soul that he betrayed me. That he lied to me and broke my heart. Today I feel like it is possible to forgive. Part of me has always felt that I am just not a good enough person to ever completely get over this. It's too much. It hurts too bad. Today I know it can be done. You don't have to be a perfect person. Thats why we're here. To practice. And to just try. And let God take care of the rest. Has anyone ever heard the song by Lifehouse called "Whatever it takes". That has become "our song". I listen to it all the time. I suggest to anyone that has hurt his wife...get her the CD and dedicate that song to her. It's a good one. :) Have a great day everyone.


thank you    
"Thank you for taking the time to blog. If you can have hope I can too. I can relate to you so very much. I often wonder if in the end, I will be the one standing outside the gate watching my family go through. I don't want to be a bitter woman. I want to be like you.

Thank you Sierra."
posted at 02:49:00 on October 18, 2008 by robin
Thank-you, Sierra    
"In the grand scheme of things, I think the process of recovery has many pitfalls in the first years and they begin to get easier as they taper off until "sobriety" is achieved. I think we just get a lot more humble and better at forgiveness and repentence. I've been there, Sierra.

The first few years were just gut-wrenching. Each fall from Grace seemed to send me deeper into despair. But as time went by they seemed less painful and they seemed further and further apart. They didn't destroy me like in the beginning. My spouses last relapse was short and easy to forgive. Somewhere in the process I was unburdened of many of my own shortcomings. (others remain) Now, that last one is years behind us. We're given the blessing of helping others on the journey in an official capacity in the church.

It does get better. It does get easier. There are great gifts that go along with overcoming these things we deal with pertaining to addiction. Never give up. The miracle is already happening."
posted at 16:48:33 on October 18, 2008 by Anonymous

Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981