By Matrix
9/26/2008 11:28:54 AM
I feel like I'm talking too much. I guess I just have a lot on my mind recently. So it's been 65 days since my last "incident" and I thought things were going great until about a month ago. I've been so depressed since then. I've been doing everything I should be doing, and then some, and I'm not doing things I shouldn't be doing. As each day passes, I get more depressed. I don't feel like I've been forgiven yet and maybe that's a part of the problem but other then that, I don't know why I'm so down. I wish it would just go away. I keep praying for it but it hasn't worked so far. What do I do? I'm stuck in a bad place and I want to get out.


Exercise, medication, and good hard work    
"Exercise or any kind of prolonged physical activity can help with those feelings. The body, specifically the brain, is an amazing thing. If we want our minds to be healthy, we must ensure our bodies are healthy as well. Some people may not think that medication is an acceptable option to depression, since so many people now days seem to think that pills are the answer to everything. However, in cases of actual diagnosed depression, medication can work wonders. This may or may not be something you want to try, your "depression" may be more along the lines of guilt and remorse. If that is the case then you should try getting involved in some type of service or acts of kindness. Take the focus off of yourself and serve someone else. You need to really show the Lord that you have changed and that you want to accept His atonement, and frankly actions speak louder than words.

I hope something here was helpful for you. Depression is difficult to live with, but if you are willing to make the effort to take care of the body you were given and take care of others' spiritual and temporal needs, those down days will become less and less, I promise."
posted at 12:22:57 on September 26, 2008 by blindman
hobby time    
"65 days Matrix, you are a champion!

I think exercise makes a big difference. I have trouble with depression too. It is real and you may need medication even it just for a little while to help you get through. I was told once that sometimes when we get down the meds can help your body start producing what it needs and you don't have to stay on them forever. I don't know if that is how it works or not.

I agree with Blindman that loosing yourself in service is good. Another thing that makes a huge difference for me is a hobby. If I can spend a little time on something I enjoy doing each day, (even if it is only 10 minutes) I am happier. We all have the same amount of time in a day and no one I know gets everything done. Don't forget to keep learning and doing the things that interest you."
posted at 12:31:14 on September 26, 2008 by robin
Still Trying    
"Thanks for the comments. I personally don't believe in drugs and I try to avoid them at all costs and now since I have liver issues, I have to be very careful about what I take, but I do appreciate the idea. I was thinking today about depression related to this addiction. I relate it to a river.

In this addiction, it's like you are standing on the bank of a river. For some it's very wide, for others it's deep, and sometimes its both. You have a forest behind you that's on fire (being the addiction). If you stay there, you will die. The only choices you have is to cross the river or stay where you are. So you take your first step in and it's cold and you don't like it but its better then being burned to death. The farther you go into the river, the deeper it gets but you are farther from the fire. At some points, the river is up to your shoulders and you don't think you can make it without help. Sometimes it gets higher and sometimes it gets lower but all you know is that if you let it go over your head, you will drown. If you can make it to the other side, you will be safe and it's beautiful over there. For me, I've been about belly button high but occasionally I'll slip and it goes up to my neck. I hate it getting up to my neck because then I think it's easier to turn back and risk being burned to death.

I'm still not sure what’s causing the depression but I think it may have to do with the fact that I can't go to the temple. I haven't been in over 3 months and I want to go badly but my bishop says I still have to wait at least two more months. When he said that, it hurt so badly but I know I still need to be punished for my latest sins. After he said that I went home and cried. I still can't look at a temple or think about it without almost crying. I want that peace so badly and it's so hard when you live in Utah Valley and the temples are everywhere. I know this is all from my stupid choices and I was so dumb to think I wanted that more. I also still don't feel forgiven. I want that peace more then anything and it causes so much pain not having it."
posted at 00:21:18 on September 29, 2008 by Matrix
He loves you    

I was thinking about you while I did dishes today. I hurt for you when you talk about your fears for the future etc. I was thinking about how much I love my girls. Having children of my own has helped me realize how much Heavenly Father loves us each individualy. I just know Heavenly Father loves you and wants the best for you. You are working so hard to do what is right. He has a plan for you and it is a good one. Try not to worry so much. You have lots of friends here who love you and pray for you."
posted at 01:10:20 on September 29, 2008 by robin

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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987