By zoltib
9/3/2008 1:46:21 AM
Pride is the main thing keeping me from recovery. It takes so many different forms; self pity, self hatred, disbelief, denial, and arrogance.

I'm so afraid of what others will think when they find out that I'm an addict, that I have a hard time picturing myself doing steps 4 and 5. I've talked to multiple bishops about my addictions, but I don't know if I've ever been completely honest with them.

When I was growing up I was always the strong one. I was active in church, and was always the one that people asked for advice. I'm the guy that everyone looks at and thinks "he's got it together", which is so far from the truth.

It's hard to admit that I'm no longer that guy. I'm not the one with the strong testimony that others can lean on. I still talk the talk most of the time, but I'm sure not walking the walk. I've been very careful not to let people know that I'm no longer that person.

It's not like I think I need to announce to the world that I'm no longer that guy, but I don't know if I could take it if I found out how disappointed people would be in me.

The fact is, I'm an addict.


Praying for you    
"I'm not going to say I know exactly how you feel but I have an idea. I feel like I was in the same place as you at one time. I probably don't have quite the same experience of you but I do know what it's like to be too proud. I remember dreading the thought of anyone finding out what I did. I remember thinking that no one has this problem except for disgusting filthy people and so because I was doing it, I must be disgusting and filthy. No one at all had any idea what I was doing. I couldn't let them know either. I was always the strong one out of all my friends. I was the leader of the group and the one everyone could rely on for anything. I was so picture perfect from the outside.

I didn't realize how bad I was hurting myself until halfway through my senior year of high school. I was failing half my classes and all my friends had abandoned me. I was constantly fighting with my family and I was so depressed all the time. I was lucky enough to graduate but it was just that, luck. It wasn't until I was living at home with no job and no plans for the future that I needed to take a written inventory of myself. Once I figured out what was wrong, I knew I had to change it. I talked to my bishop and did all the other necessary steps but I was still very unhappy. I was still alone. I finally decided one night to tell my best friend the truth. She wasn't talking to me at this point but I didn't care. When I told her, she kinda just looked at me and said okay, nothing more. We parted ways and she didn't speak to me for a couple days. After that, everything was fine. She didn't think any less of me. In fact, she thought higher of me because I was making an effort to change my life for the better. I did end up telling a handful of other people and one decided that I was a horrible filthy person for what I did but she was judging based on one person that had actually hurt her. It hurt for a while but I moved on. It's now obvious to me that she isn't someone I would want to keep in my life. She knew me throughout the worst part of my addiction yet she only decided to judge me once I put a face to my problems. I also found out that two people I told had the same or similar addictions to mine but were too scared to admit it. They have since made steps to clean up their lives.
Sorry for all the rambling but the point I'm trying to make is that if you do tell people, first off, be careful who you tell and second, if they really love you and matter, they will accept you. It does take a while to be able to tell someone other then a bishop but it takes a huge load off your shoulders. They can also be a great asset when you get tempted. You do need to be prepared for those people who will only look at you for your addiction instead of who you are. I know this is long and I feel like I'm blabbing too much but I hope it helps.

We're all in this together."
posted at 10:14:01 on September 3, 2008 by Matrix
Thank you    
"Thanks for sharing your experience Matrix. I've felt the same "I must be a disgusting, filthy person" feelings that you describe. It's nice to know I'm not alone."
posted at 02:22:35 on September 4, 2008 by zoltib

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"One of the great myths in life is when men think they are invincible. Too many think that they are men of steel, strong enough to withstand any temptation."

— James E. Faust

General Conference, April 2002