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throwing it into the ocean
By ROBIN
9/2/2008 5:08:48 PM
I just wanted to share a trick or coping tool I believe my husband was inspired to use with me last week.

I had had a very hard day. I am thankful that he takes the time to look into my eyes and ask me how my day was....even when I don't think I want him to know. Our marriage has been anything but dull since I found out about his addiction 3 months ago. One of our biggest challenges comes when I have a down day, he recognizes it, knows I need to talk, we talk, I feel better, he feels terrible and becomes depressed and maybe even angry for a couple of days. I have almost always regretted telling him what was bothering me, because it is just not worth it! But we realize we do need to work through this and we do need to talk.

We have been making it a point to spend some time together every week. We had two hours. We were headed to eat, but he asked me if I would just like to walk on the beach instead. After we parked, I was bent over in the car changing my shoes. When I sat up I noticed that he was leaning against the car praying. I knew he was asking for help. His wife was sad and disillusioned and he needed help.

When I got out of the car he took my hand and showed me a meduim sized rock that he had picked up. He said "see this rock.....I am going to carry it on our walk. I will put all of the bad in this rock. You give it to me, I will take it, and instead of keeping it and getting depressed, I am going to throw it into the ocean after our walk." We had a 2 hour walk, long talk, and then we threw the bad away. Sounds too simple, but it helped. He did a lot better afterward and I felt better too. I am very thankful for a husband that asks for help . We are receiving it.

Comments:

wow    
"you say you found out about his addiction. What a wonderful relationship you two have to be working so well together on this. You may not think so, but what you've chosen to share is....extraodinary! How I wish my wife had stuck with me as wonderfully as you are with your hubby. What you've shared about him, reminds me of what I tried to be for her - but the revelation of my addiction blinded her to all the good we had in our marriage.
Please know how blessed and how joyful Heavenly Father must be to see you two doing what His Son instructed us to do, "...love one another" and serve one another!"
posted at 22:57:00 on September 2, 2008 by bbgc72
sticking with it    
"bbgc72,

I read your first blog. I am so sorry about your marriage, so sorry. I have to be honest with you. When I first found out about my husbands addiction I could not believe it. I am really crazy about him. He is my best friend, but I was completely freaked out....COMPLETELY. I went to the LDS site provident living. It scared me to death. If I had had the resources I probably would have left for a while. I was scared to death for my little family and felt like I was in the middle of a REALLY bad dream. I wished I was dead. I fantisized about being hit by a BIG truck and being able to have my grandpa (who is dead) just hold me.......then I wished my husband was dead (instead of having this problem), because I needed to be here for the kids. I thought maybe it would have been better if he had just died. Death would be better than a porn addiction, at least then I would know what I had, we would be together again and not have to face the unknown. I don't think that way now. I would be devistated if something happened now, devistated.

I hope you can forgive you wife for giving up so quickly. It is indescribable to discover your husband has this addiction. It is unfortunate that a decision was made so quickly in your case. ..It takes time to settle down and realize that not all is lost. I may be married to a man with a problem I did not choose, but I do love him, even chose him and we can make it together. At times I can almost get a glimps of how it can and will make us stronger if we work through this together. I did not realize this the first couple of days after I found out. Thankfully, I had good counsel and received strength that was not my own. I hope I help him. I want to. I think it would be really hard to have a lot of hope if I left.

Have you tried counseling with LDS social services? We did and it was very helpful. My husband's family history was similar to yours. The counsler really helped him understand some things and understand why he copes with things the way he does and how to change.

keep hope. You are going to make it, one day at a time. Your Heavenly Father is proud of you. He has good things in store for you. Just keep trying. I will pray for you. Sorry to ramble."
posted at 17:19:35 on September 3, 2008 by robin
Ramble on! lol    
"ramble all you like...isn't that what this is for? What a blessing to have a place where those of us who have HURT our loved ones and want to end the hurting, as well as those who HAVE BEEN HURT can come together and see both sides!
I know so very very much how I hurt my wife. It was the ultimate betrayal. And broken trust is probably the most horrifying experience anyone can go through or live with. The hardest part is KNOWING that had we been able to stick it out through the hardest couple months - getting through full disclosure, the yelling, finding out through counseling reasons why the addiction takes hold etc. - then I could have shown her my sincerity and......ok, now it sounds like one of those, "please, if you just....blah blah" kind of things. But yeah, I wish I could have made it up to her. But she shut me out completely, just turned her mind and heart off to me. And I can understand that. She's a strong woman, and has a lot of self-respect.
All I can say, is that reading your story....again, Wow. I can feel how much the Lord is working through you - you're LETTING HIM work through you for one of his children who is genuinely persuing righteousness, as hard as it is in this situation. I just have so much admiration and respect for those women who are called to stand next to their husbands in such a difficult time.

I know I'm going to make it. NO DOUBT. It'd be nice to do it with someone (besides the Savior and Holy Spirit, obviously) but they are enough for me. There's a reason I am going through this alone - maybe, just like how JOseph was taken into Egypt and went through his own kind of hell for soooo long because the Lord knew his leadership qualities would be revealed through the trial, and the children of Israel would need them later on. (by the way, I read somewhere that it could have been up to 13 years or more that Joseph was in prison or indentured servitude BEFORE he was called to be "second in command" of Egypt)"
posted at 03:58:05 on September 4, 2008 by bbgc72
thank you    
"You made my day. This site is my only support group and I appreciate you all so much. We are going to help each other through this....and in the next life I like to think we will all meet each other and rejoice!"
posted at 15:21:18 on September 4, 2008 by robin
when we all get to heaven....    
"reminds me of a song my mom always sings (I grew up baptist):

When we all...get to heaven,
what a day of rejoicing that will be!
When we all....see Jesus
we'll sing and shout for victory!"
posted at 12:07:05 on September 5, 2008 by bbgc72


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"[The Savior] is saying to us, "Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going," He says, "we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness," He promises. "I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.""

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006