Going Crazy
By Matrix
7/15/2008 3:58:57 PM
This will probably seem a lot like venting but I just have so many thoughts floating around my head. I'm sorry if it comes out as such.

I've been having such a difficult time with life in general lately. I think it really started in the beginning of April. The full load of having a life long illness finally kicked in and I felt all the stress that comes along with it. I spiraled down into a depression and was very reluctant to take the medication that keeps my body from attacking itself. I started taking other drugs to get high so that I could escape life temporarily. They were all prescription drugs but that doesn't mean it was okay. One night I got so depressed and overdosed on some of the drugs. Luckily I had a friend close by that took me to the ER. I didn't want to die but now that I think about it, I may have been trying to hurt myself.

I told my mom about it and she was very understanding and even suggested I go see a therapist but that's about as far as anything got. After I flushed the rest of the drugs, I thought I would be okay. Not so. Shortly after, I again fell into a bad depression. Since I didn't have drugs to escape, I decided to go back to my familiar addictions. I indulged for a couple days then decided it was a stupid idea and went and talked to my bishop. He was a brand new bishop so I didn't really want to see him but I knew I had to. I really fought with what he said because it was something I had heard so many times before that I already knew. After that, I cleaned up and got temple worthy again. It was so nice to go to the temple every week and know I was clean. That lasted for a month.

I thought I was doing okay but I didn't try hard enough and I slipped up again. I was still depressed but I had avoiding sinking too far into it. I again went and talked to my bishop and this time I listened to him. He said some really good things and I felt so much better after. I again cleaned up and got temple worthy and this, again, lasted for a month. Then, I got into a huge fight with my best friend. It was really over nothing but it was enough that it really affected me. I slipped so far down this time that I cried for days on end whenever I got the chance. I didn't do anything but I started to think that it wouldn't really matter what I did because no one was around to care. I found new drugs in our cabinet and started taking them. I did this for about a week when my ex started talking to me and telling me how lonely and horny he was. I responded with the same kinds of feelings and he proposed the idea that we just go "play around a little." I agreed and the next day I made the worst decision of my life so far. We did things we shouldn't and it happened two other separate times.

I can still say I am a virgin but that's all I have to hold on to. He decided that we shouldn't do that anymore and that we needed to repent. Even though I don't regret what I did, I still think it was a stupid choice. This was only a week ago and, for the first time in my life, I passed up the sacrament. I have an appointment with the bishop for Sunday and I feel very ashamed of myself. What lead me to do this type of thing? It's not even close to my character. It just sounded like a good idea at the time. I feel like my mind isn't working properly. Things that I never would even imagine to do are sounding like a good idea. I feel horrible about myself.

Oh, I did make up with my friend and that has been a great help. I do think I'm going crazy though. Sorry about how long it is, it's just stuff I needed to get out.


"Your story is so danged similar to my own! I don't share this story very often, but it has helped me to know that someone else out there has the same problems I do so I will share my thoughts with you Matrix.

I have had this addiction for years. Probably since I was about eight years old, or even before that. When I turned 13 I was diagnosed with diabetes (life-threatening if not taken care of... it doesn't sound close to whatever you were diagnosed with, but it's something that will follow me around for the rest of my life.) I was extremely stressed out about it for the longest time, I found only comfort in my addiction (I didn't know it was an addiction then) A couple of times I tried to end my life... I wasn't serious enough about it to go through with it .. I basically just wanted to hurt myself.

I realized that my addiction was a problem in my late teen years but didn't know how I could get out of it... I pretty much tried to stop on my own. That, of course, didn't work. Then I met this really awesome guy, we dated for years. We got into a little bit of trouble, nothing too serious but I always felt that was because he was the strong one.

Later when I moved out of home I pretty much went as wild as one can get with still being a "good member" of the church. I got physical with guys just to waist time (just make-out stuff) but I think that stemmed from the addiction.. I was looking for a different kind of "fix".
Then I met another boy. I fell in love with him, he asked me to marry him, I said yes.
Then the real trouble started.

We started doing things that we shouldn't, (similar to what you've describe) but then that led to worse things and pretty soon the both of us ended up facing the reality that we were not going to be getting married in the temple. My husband-to-be was put on probation from the church and I got to wait a year to marry my eternal companion in the temple.

We both have this danged addiction. I love and hate that fact. I know that it is part of the reason we screwed up.

But with the proper steps, we were both able to repent. I am so grateful for the atonement. The fact that my husband and I were able to go to the temple and be sealed to our son one year from our wedding day, is such a blessing! It is a testimony to me that our Father in heaven really wants us to repent. He knows our sorrows. He know when we are going through our darkest times. He wants us to get back on the path. He gave us His Son to make that possible for us.

Good luck to you Matrix. I think about you often and you are in my prayers. Our Father in Heaven loves you. It sounds like you are on your way back to Him. Good job. It takes courage and strength, but it is possible.

Just some thoughts, I hope it helps. "
posted at 18:45:38 on July 15, 2008 by toes_23
"Matrix how have you been? Haven't heard from you lately."
posted at 17:52:06 on July 24, 2008 by toes_23

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"Now, my brothers and sisters, let not Jesus’ redemption for us stop at the immortalizing dimension of the Atonement, “the loosing of the bands of death”. Let us grasp the proffered gift of eternal life! We will end up either choosing Christ’s manner of living or His manner of suffering! It is either “suffer even as I”, or overcome “even as [He] … overcame”. His beckoning command is to become “even as I am”. The spiritually settled accept that invitation, and “through the atonement of Christ,” they become and overcome! "

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987