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Started over... again.
By toes_23
7/5/2008 7:23:17 PM
I suppose it was inevitable, being an addict and all. I was jut doing so good... I was on Day 78! Gosh it can be frustrating.

Comments:

sorry to hear    
"Toes - you did so well - I was right behind you the entire time (day 73 today) - you pick yourself up, grab that rod once again and start moving foward -- defeat is in giving up - and I know you aren't giving up!

Power in Purity!"
posted at 10:24:47 on July 6, 2008 by whitewolf
Inevitable?    
"I feel for you. Relapse can be frustrating. It can also be a stepping stone to real recovery. If we ask ourselves "why" we fell back to old behavior we can learn and grow from it. We need to ask ourselves "Did I slack off on working the 12 Steps or going to meetings?" or "What was I not doing that I should've been doing?" Or perhaps the question is "Was I somewhere I shouldn't have been, physically or spiritually?" When we answer these questions and get back on the beam we have a better chance of success. Relapse IS preventable. There IS a solution to the problem of addiction. Just as our addiction was "progressive" so must our recovery be. What kept me clean and sober for the first 2 months doesn't necessarily work for month 3 and 4. We must do what we've been doing- and then some. Maybe I didn't need a sponsor to stay clean for 30 days but for anything longer maybe I do. Look for the people at the meetings with alot of time clean and do what they do. I sincerely believe the Steps cannot be properly worked by ourselves.
Good luck to you, Toes. Most importantly, after sincerely asking Heavenly Father for forgiveness, trust that you're forgiven and forgive yourself. It's so important. Wallowing in shame and guilt for more than a day is WAY too much and is counterproductive. If you're still beating yourself up a day later you are doing the devils work for him."
posted at 17:06:30 on July 6, 2008 by Anonymous
Ironic?    
"Toes, I completely feel for you because I too have relapsed. This time I involved someone else so it went much farther then I'm used to taking it. It sucks though, huh? I've got to apologize to Tristan because I told him I'd stick with him and I totally let him down.
This is probably going to sound wrong to some people but I mean it in the best way so I don't want any backlash but Toes, I'm so glad you are weak like me. It's nice to know that you are human. Nothing less, nothing more. I'm so glad that you admit you are wrong or have messed up. You're human so mistakes are inevitable, not necessarily relapse. I'm glad that I have someone to relate to, even if it ends up being a relapse.
Just know that Heavenly Father still loves you. He wants to help you as much as possible so just let him help. Easier said then done but that’s how it is. Good luck, Toes."
posted at 09:13:14 on July 7, 2008 by Matrix
TOES AND MATRIX -    
"Matrix, my man, you didn't let me down. No way. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere but here. I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me when it's my turn, right?

TOES - I care about your pain and wish I could help. Maybe just knowing we are all pulling for you helps a little. You aren't alone."
posted at 15:52:57 on July 7, 2008 by TRISTAN
Relapse sucks.    
"I think that I have been getting weaker. I am on day 5 since I started over. I have been feeling the pull so badly lately. I am leaving for the weekend without my husband and I feel like I'm going to screw up my "sobriety" again. I want to mess up.... I really really want to.

I honestly thought that I was doing a great job with the first three steps... we even started doing family scripture study, which hasn't happened this consistently in a really long time. Maybe Satan knows that I am trying so hard to get back to where I was and he doesn't like it when I am doing well. "
posted at 21:05:39 on July 10, 2008 by toes_23
Relapse REALLY REALLY sucks.    
"Our lives have been so stressful lately! I don't feel like I am doing a very good job at being successful with my addictions lately. Sometimes I feel like I don't even want to talk about it anymore.
I still feel like an outsider for being a women. So I still don't say much in group. They've started this new thing in our area where they have the men and women combined and I like that a whole lot more because I can relate better...I'm not sure I can be as honest as I want to be though. My husband sits next to me and he knows exactly what's going on in my life, and whether or not I am "being good". He thinks that I shouldn't tell my whole story. For some reason I feel like I can do that better on the internet because their aren't faces with the names... I'm not afraid to run into one of you at Wal-Mart or anything.

I don't know.. I'm just feeling depressed and I haven't blogged for awhile... So here I am with some thoughts I've been having. "
posted at 20:43:28 on July 14, 2008 by toes_23
Relapse sucks, but is not the end of the world    
"I understand how difficult it can be, I have had some "slips" in my first year of sobriety, some of those due to my husband telling me it was "Okay" to look at the pornographic picture while being intimate with him, but I cant do that. it would be akin to me being an alcoholic and having a beer. I can't stop with just one picture. I am afraid that it would spiral me back into my acting out. We just have to remember to turn to God when we get the temptations. I love this expression I saw on a sign for a church I passed by one day, "When life gets to be too much to stand,Kneel." I hope this helps, and I will keep you in my prayers."
posted at 09:40:24 on July 19, 2008 by grneyedangel
To This New Beginning    
"First, I wish you could understand how NOT ALONE you truly are. I have fought your fight for many years. It wasn't until this year that I accepted it as an addiction. Always before it was a sin. So before, I never had a chance to recover. And every relapse made me more rebellious - I was hopeless and I got to where I felt that, as you put it, "I want to mess up." The group has been my salvation. I went as a ride for someone else and stayed.

Our group is small and it was very difficult to walk in and know several people. The funny part is that it didn't occur to me that they were they because of their problems. My pain was that, if I spoke, they would know my problems. It took months of my being there, as the ride for a person who was no longer coming, before I finally spoke.

I can't tell you what to do, but I know that, until I opened fully, the healing didn't begin. And when I did, I felt such an out-pouring of love and acceptance from my brothers and sisters (fellow addicts and spouses of addicts) that I finally was able to believe that Heavenly Father could still love me too.

Having said that, there is a reason that the program SPECIFICALLY says that we don't have to cite our addictions unless we want to. The only one who should decide whether or not to state your addiction is YOU as moved by the spirit. Just make sure you are listening to the Spirit. Don't miss the opportunity to heal.

But DO make sure you admit that you are the addict. I think you might be surprised at how many people in the church have need of the program. How proud I am of you that you have admitted it. That was the hardest thing. I know. To be a woman and admit to this, ripped a hole in my soul. Little did I know at the time it was a cancer that needed to be torn out."
posted at 18:15:29 on July 21, 2008 by bhean
Thanks    
"I have to admit that we haven't gone to group for about a month.. and before that it had been another month. I think that I am the one in our relationship who I suppose "forces" us to go to group and I haven't been putting my foot down lately. Both of us have been doing really really well lately. I credit it to the fact that we have been so busy. I think being busy is a whole lot better then being bored and screwing up.

I really appreciate your thoughts. The reminders that I am not alone have been phenomenal. I suppose I don't open up in group because I feel like I have to tell so many people about my addictions... we have just moved into a new ward and I know that I am going to have to tell another bishop about my problems. Because our "group" has broken off into a different husbands plus wives group I feel like I have to tell another group of people about my addictions. I hate it. I hate talking about it. I hate having to admit to my faults AGAIN. I know I've screwed up. I know I have an addiction I know I'm not perfect.

But I also know that I have a testimony of the atonement. I know that I love my Savior. I know that he died for me. I know that I can return to Him. I know that His death has played a significant roll in my life.

What I don't know is if I want to re-tell my story. I suppose it is inevitable if I want to fully recover. "
posted at 19:11:03 on July 21, 2008 by toes_23
Go anyway    
"You don't have to share your story. You just need to go there and listen. The rest will work itself out."
posted at 19:21:03 on July 21, 2008 by Anonymous
Thanks    
"I have to admit that we haven't gone to group for about a month.. and before that it had been another month. I think that I am the one in our relationship who I suppose "forces" us to go to group and I haven't been putting my foot down lately. Both of us have been doing really really well lately. I credit it to the fact that we have been so busy. I think being busy is a whole lot better then being bored and screwing up.

I really appreciate your thoughts. The reminders that I am not alone have been phenomenal. I suppose I don't open up in group because I feel like I have to tell so many people about my addictions... we have just moved into a new ward and I know that I am going to have to tell another bishop about my problems. Because our "group" has broken off into a different husbands plus wives group I feel like I have to tell another group of people about my addictions. I hate it. I hate talking about it. I hate having to admit to my faults AGAIN. I know I've screwed up. I know I have an addiction I know I'm not perfect.

But I also know that I have a testimony of the atonement. I know that I love my Savior. I know that he died for me. I know that I can return to Him. I know that His death has played a significant roll in my life.

What I don't know is if I want to re-tell my story. I suppose it is inevitable if I want to fully recover. "
posted at 19:29:38 on July 21, 2008 by toes_23


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"The solution to this problem ultimately is neither governmental nor institutional. Nor is it a question of legality. It is a matter of individual choice and commitment. Agency must be understood. The importance of the will in making crucial choices must be known. Then steps toward relief can follow."

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