By toes_23
6/4/2008 9:26:57 PM
This addiction thing is so difficult! It has been so hard the last couple of days. The only way I can stop myself from screwing up is to blog about how I don't want to screw up.

I am on day 50. YAY! Day 50! I think this is the longest I have ever gone. I am pretty happy with myself.

I did however, think that it was going to get easier. Maybe it will, I just haven't hit that point yet. It was easier for a little while. When I blogged a few days ago about day 35 (or whatever day it was) I was feeling so good and so happy about life.

It's not that I have lost hope.. or that I'm taking back my trust in the Lord... I just feel like an addict more then ever. I am feeling that constant "need" to mess up! It is so frustrating to me.

My husband tries to help me out... I think he feels like if he can satisfy me then the urge will be easier or go away, I don't think it works like that.

When we went to group yesterday it just made things worse for me. I finally told my story in group about two weeks ago, I feel like ever since then that I am being judged. I am the only one on the women's class who is working on this. I know that group is confidential so that we can be completely honest, but we are human. All of the women in the group are there because they are victims of pornography, they are there to support their husbands.

I too am there to support my husband, but in group when we do the sharing portion, I am the only one talking about my sexual addiction, and not the struggles I have with my husbands addiction. I feel like the women there hate me because I represent what they are trying to get rid of in their homes.

This causes me more stress, which is one of my "triggers".

I also feel that group helps me so much. The women are friendly. If they do have a problem with me, they would never say so to my face. I feel the love they have for their husbands, so how can I be THAT horrible to them. I am probably being way to analytical.

Anyway... I guess I just needed to vent.


Venting again.    
"I haven't been to group for about a month now. It's not because I haven't wanted to go, it's because we've had other obligations on the night we have group. We didn't go yesterday because we needed to go on a date, and we hate getting our babysitter to sit for us more then once a week. Especially because she does it for free.

My husband is currently unemployed. So our income is well... zero. We both have been doing an amazing job staying away from our addictions (day 78, YAY!) but I credit that to the fact that we spend every single moment of the day together. We really don't get a lot of alone time. When I do have a minute or two alone I feel like giving in just because I am alone, not because I want to, or because Satan is pulling me in, just because I'm alone.

There are a million things going on in our lives right now and I am so stressed out that I have found myself spiraling into a depression. My Sweetheart is out of work, we're moving in two weeks (b/c we're poor), we just had a baby and now the holiday is bringing family to town. Now we all love family, but we all know with family comes more stress.

I guess I am just scared of a relapse. I know that stress is my trigger and I suppose that is also why I am depressed. Plus my sweet husband is depressed and it kind of rubs off.

I just thought I'd write some thoughts I've been having because I really haven't blogged lately."
posted at 22:02:29 on July 2, 2008 by toes_23
Bad Groups    
"I have been going to an SA group for about 5 years now, and it is great. My Bishop asked me to go to the LDS 12 step group, and it has not been as good. The LDS group is run by a couple of people who feel compelled to constantly comment. The group also has both husbands and wives in the same room, which I believe makes for less honest sharing of experience, faith, and hope. The point is that I feel like one group is very different from the other one, and one is much better for me than the other one.

I think it might help to find another group to attend. You might try SA, or AA or some other 12 step group. Feeling judged should not be part of the program. Wherever you are, there are people who have been farther down the wrong road, and farther up the right one. The point is not where we are on the road of recovery, but that we are traveling the right direction. I hope you come through this. I know that things do get better. Life is better in recovery."
posted at 22:27:31 on July 2, 2008 by panshrdze
"I don't have anything really great to say here, I mean, what do I know, I'm just a kid, but I even when I was living in the darkest places where people used me and beat me and I kept going back, even then, I believed in God and Jesus. I don't know why, but I always knew they were there. I would talk to them and I would feel better. Life wouldn't get better, but I felt better, like I could handle one more day and sometimes one more minute. I guess I'm trying to say is that we not alone even if no one answers you or calls you or knocks on the door, we're never alone. God and Jesus is there somewhere really close and all we need to do is hold out our hand and they will grab it. Sometimes, even when we don't hold out our hand, they'll catch us. I think our dark life prevents us from seeing and feeling God and Jesus. I mean, Jesus has a real investment here with us. He went through and experienced our pain and sorrow and our dark worlds that we live in. Our depressions, our fears. He invested a lot in us so he's going to help us even if we don't believe it. I would like to believe life gets better, so far I haven't seen a lot of life getting better, but I think that takes time. Someone said that the miracle follows our trials and our faith. I think we need to hold on for that miracle. Maybe your miracle is right in front of you, that you have mad it this far through your trial."
posted at 07:57:59 on July 3, 2008 by TRISTAN
"I am a wife of an "addict" but we have been through a LOT in recent times and I think I may have a little nugget that might help you.

Everytime I read in the scriptures, the phrase, "The Lord has delivered us out of the hands of our enemies" or "loosed the chains" or "bondage" (things like these) it's easy to skim over and not take it to heart. BUT if we really liken it to ourselves, everyone of us has a list of "enemies" (Things that deter us from the Spirit, and enslave our souls) and the Lord REALLY can deliver us out of the hands of our enemies, our weaknesses. In my experience, and watching my husband on his highs, doing well, and also when he is in the hands of his enemies, not doing well--the most simple, but sincere things make all the difference and invite this "deliverance" and peace into our hearts.

Such as: not letting one day go by without FEASTING on the scriptures. Not just skimming while exhausted, but honestly praying before you start, then FEAST for a good half our or so searching for things to penetrate your soul. Every time I have done this, I feel peace, it's SO liberatiing to feel the Spirit begin to take over in my heart. IT HONESTLY CHANGES EVERYTHING. My husband is doing awesome right now and one thing that has really helped in conjunction with prayer, scriptures, working out is reading "7 Habits of Highly Effective People." by Stephen R. Covey. It teaches how to restructure thought process, daily habits, and building upon the best parts of your character, essentially crowding out the things that lead to "mess ups" and more importantly replacing with solid, REAL ways to start a REAL transformation. It also gives a lot of perspective. I don't know if this helps you, but I felt impressed to share this simple concept with you. I know the Spirit of the Lord will bring strength, peace, and joy to your heart.I KNOW it. (this is "wise" my dang log in won't work:)"
posted at 14:24:34 on July 7, 2008 by Anonymous
I'll Do It    
"Dear Anonymous - thanks for the advice, although I don't think it was really meant for me. But I took it anyway. I'm going to start studying the scriputures tonight. I don't think I can do 1/2 hour, but I'll try a little. And I'm going to check out that book too. I need all the help I can get."
posted at 14:31:47 on July 7, 2008 by TRISTAN
"thanks for the advice... I guess I just need to start doing some things that I'm not doing.. I think that I need to re-work some of the steps better with more humility."
posted at 16:35:07 on July 7, 2008 by toes_23
Just a little thought....    
"I have found myself attending alot of groups both online and in person. The first one I attended a few months ago was before I knew everything that was going on with my spouse. I only knew about his substance abuse. I decided that it would be good to go with him to the substance abuse meeting because I had used several years before and had never sought after any type of treatment to help me quit so I considered myself someone on the addict side and not on the side of the supporting family members. I felt this way because I thought that maybe I would feel more like a victim if I was in with all of these people that I had watched walked down the hall to the other end of the building.

After sitting in the room and actually recognizing a few friends from way back, and listening to each person tell about their triumphs as well as recent relapses, a thought came to mind. We all find some way to cope. We learn what we can from our family and friends but when it comes down to it some of us feel more than others. We follow those feelings because we think that it might be the thing that will help us to know who we are and to overcome some fear that we have of ourselves. Our perception of whether it was good to go a certain path to get to know ourselves or bad is still has some consequence, good or bad. How we chose to see it and release it so that we can move on and learn what we are supposed to learn is the turning point? I felt so enlightened by having such a deep and renewing thought and I could feel there was a sense of camaraderie without judgment. Then as it ended a boy who I grew up with who had been through a great deal of healing came over and hugged me and ask me nothing about why I was there. He simply said “you look great” and “it is really good to see you it has been a long time”. I looked around for the other friend that had actually been alot closer to me at one point and I couldn't see him so my husband and walked out. My friend was outside of the building talking to another person. I didn't want to interrupt him so I just smiled as I walked by. He looked at me frantically and said “what are you looking at you don't know me and no I don't remember you”. It took me so off guard that I noticed anger creeping into my heart just after I had such a good experience. When it came time to go to the next meeting, I felt a little hesitant and tried to just overlook it. The same two friends came in and this time they were sitting next to each other the one that I didn’t have a positive experience with looked at the other and nodded his head in my direction. I felt paranoid and like I said I haven’t used drugs in years. Looking at these two people I started to feel like maybe they had talked about me outside the meeting which you aren't supposed to do. I could feel myself wanting to bolt from the room and from the experience as is my MO. My perception was not exactly at a good place and I kept trying to remember that this is a room of addicts who have some of the greatest moments of fear thinking we are going to screw up again until we see the possibility of getting a fix without a huge consequence or we are having bouts with low self-esteem one moment and we are coming out of the darkness the next.

Instead of running I sat and waited for the pain of judgment to pass, I could feel my brain spinning wildly with memories and possibilities flew through at the speed of light. I took a deep breath and remembered part of something that I had seen posted on one of the online blogs I had read that was supposed to help me move toward my healing process.

This was written to help someone move through the co-dependency problem they were having to another person but I was able to relate it to the situation I was in:

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people walk away from you. Let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, liking you, approving of you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody. People don’t have to be joined to you. If they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the recovery is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your recovery is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.
I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have, He will give it to me.
Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding onto something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto the past hurts and pains. LET IT GO.
If someone can't treat you right, love you back and see your worth, LET IT GO.
If someone has angered you, LET IT GO.
If you are holding on to some thoughts of revenge. LET IT GO.
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction, LET IT GO.
If you are holding onto a job that no longer meets your needs or talents, LET IT GO.
If you have a bad attitude, LET IT GO.
If you keep judging yourself. LET IT GO.
If you keep judging others. LET IT GO.
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him, LET THE PAST GO.
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken promise, LET IT GO.
If you keep trying to help someone that will not help themselves. LET IT GO.
If you are depressed and stressed, LET IT GO.
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying " take your hands off of it", then LET IT GO.
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things and LET IT ALL GO.
You have to take the good with the bad. Smile with the sad, love what you've got, remember what you had. Always forgive but never forget, People change, things go wrong.
Just remember this, life goes on.

I just want to add one more thing or 2 or 3, when we are afraid of being judged or are judging others, even ourselves. We need to remember, that isn’t our job. Our job is to forgive, including ourselves. When we move toward healing and remember that the Savior HAS done enough to complete us, with all of our weaknesses. Then we are able to get back on the path that we are supposed to be following so we can get our work done, while we are here so we don’t have to take it with us.

On that note I hope you can forgive me for the length of this message. Apparently I had a little more to say than I planned.
Thank you. "
posted at 04:34:13 on July 10, 2008 by Anonymous

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"I have come to know that thoughts, like water, will stay on course if we make a place for them to go. Otherwise, our thoughts follow the course of least resistance, always seeking the lower levels. Probably the greatest challenge and the most difficult thing you will face in mortal life is to learn to control your thoughts. In the Bible it says, as a man ‘thinketh in his heart, so is he’ (Prov. 23:7). One who can control his thoughts has conquered himself. As you learn to control your thoughts, you can overcome habits, even degrading personal habits. You can gain courage, conquer fear, and have a happy life. "

— Boyd K. Packer

BYU, Speeches of the Year, 26 Sept. 1967