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Worries
By Cool Hand Luke
5/1/2008 8:42:18 PM
At times I worry I will not get better. I feel like I just keep learning, which ends up helping me in other areas of life, but acting out doesn't lessen. In fact sometimes I think I'm getting worse. I want to do things that 3 or 4 years ago would have seemed in actuality inconceivable. It was like those thing weren't in me but now they are. I can't bear the thought of acting out with real people but it seems at the door.

I have been married three years and would rather not put her, or me, through that. We don't have kids and sometimes I feel if thats the route I'm going anyway now would be a good time to end this so she is still young and can find someone who wont make this apart of her life. In saying that I realize some of it is a cop out. Much of my thoughts of ending a pursuit for happiness before I'm that far behind is self motivated and centered. I don't want to face the hurt. Really on all sides. If I'm alone I can go to hell with a very aware "blind eye". Which isn't possible, but I could probably get "past feeling".

Some times I think I could run from it better on my own. Vainly imagining living in the woods and living off the land,(there's no porn in the deep woods I envision. Besides, I'm to busy surviving to be indulging. Which is a nice change of pace indeed.) traveling the world with only a few bucks in my pocket from odd jobs to get me by. I talked of those thing long before this addiction was a motivating factor. Now I fantasize about it in terms of "getting away", and "searching for myself", and "finding God and myself" all the time. I'm young but experience so far has taught me that circumstances don't change things very often. So, why do waist my time wishing for different ones? I don't know. It feels good I guess.

I have been reading a lot of blogs on here and I find many of the wifes pose the "divorce,.. should I? or shouldn't I?" question. At least to themselves and the Lord. It seems most of the men think they (the wifes) "shouldn't I". It's peculiar to me that it seems almost as if it's believed to be a "wifes only" question if it's brought into question over pornography. Like it's their responsibility. I wonder why the men don't seem to ask that question more frequently themselves. I don't want to get x'd with a family. It's just not what I want. I don't know why a family would want to have a father/husband that lives a life that gets him x'd. So I ask myself "should I? or shouldn't I?" Is my thinking ridiculous?

Most the time I try and maintain the faith that I will get better. Because not getting better is another option and it doesn't seem like something anyone would except or ponder on much as a possibility. However in times like right now, I feel compelled by my urges and history to ponder on that possibility. Is it wrong to think about cutting family ties now before there are kids involved? I don't believe its cause I don't love my wife enough. I love her so much it hurts. She is the absolute greatest. I enjoy the relationship we share. The more I come to know her the more perfect she seems. Perfect for me and just perfect in general. I tell her all the time she is my hero. And she is. Not having her would be painful but not as painful as having her unworthily. Not even close. That is my plight. My brain just wont let me do that forever. It is untrue. It is unfaithful and I know it. And if that is my end why not justly let her go now? I think it seems the more loving thing to do logically.

I realize this train of thought is probably wrapped somewhat up in a lack of love for myself as well. I'm getting better at loving myself. A lot better. However I'm not actualized at this moment enough to discern where a lack may be or exactly how it's contributing. I hear "despair cometh because of iniquity" and "perfect love casteth out all fear" and I think fear is the opposite of faith. So, faith and love must be similar at least and if I'm not loving myself and others I know iniquity can at least be examined. Ironically perhaps the lack of faith in the first instance is the iniquity itself for "with out it no man pleaseth God". But thats about as far as I've gotten.

And now some more big what if questions? What if I'm going to get better and dodge the adultery bullet? What if I don't dodge it but it "turns to us for our good" if thats possible through repentance and the atonement. What if what ever happens, it all works out? What if it doesn't work out but we have kids and they do just fine and I'm the dad and she's the mom they needed in spite of our weaknesses to help them become "just fine, great good and eventually exalted people" and they love their family and we're as happy as we are suppose to be? What if I get over this and she goes crazy or something weird but it still works out? What if we all just never give up and the atonement and saving ordinances of the gospel are more powerful then we ever could have imagined and because we fought the fight imperfect and all, Christ saves us? The balance between obedience and forgiveness, justice and mercy is a tough one for me to understand. I suppose I will trust in God and move forward.

Please, Please, Please comment. Thanks.

Comments:

I liked reading your blog    
"I can relate to your questions. They are understandable. If you've decided to actively seek out the temptations that beset you, then you'd probably be doing you're wife a huge favor by getting a divorce before you cross over to "the dark side". You will be chasing a lust that can't be satisfied. I promise you will find plenty of regret and loneliness. You will finally realize the true meaning of "hell" That beautiful siren that you find to fulfill your fantasies will not quench your thirst one bit but will rob you of what's left of your agency. You'll miss your wife. It doesn't get any better than what you've got right now. Choose wisely. You sound like you might have an addiction. If you are, what are you prepared to do about it? The church needs good brains like yours to recover and reach out to others suffering from this plague.

Instead of an examination of iniquity, try an examination of recovery. The real question becomes, "Am I an addict?"
Here's how you can tell if you are:
An addict is the guy who, if presented with the choice between a wonderful happy life with a beautiful wife he loves; and a life of excommunication and promiscuous unbridled passion, actually has to think about it.
Good luck."
posted at 02:20:45 on May 2, 2008 by Anonymous
Sadder but wiser    
"A couple of thoughts from someone who has overthought everything and who is still working at overcoming - and saving marriage and family and self. Two things from your post above remind me of lies I told myself to justify my behavior. Hopefully they will be of some use to you.

1) The thought that "my family would be better off without me" to me proved to be a very noble deception. I mentioned this idea to my wife during a time I confessed to relapsing. She said, "Your notion is not noble. You aren't trying to save me from pain. You are trying to save yourself from the longterm burden of consequence and guilt. You are not thinking of me. You are thinking only of yourself." And she was right.

2) For me, the notion of "What if I don't dodge it but it "turns to us for our good" is a compelling deception for those of us who have not yet realized the bitterness they have created or will create and who are looking for another reason to continue to sin. These experiences may well turn to us for our good in the end. But at what cost? Our careers? Our families? Our dignity? Our life's purpose? Our self-respect?

God will always forgive us and give us a way back. The Atonement is limitless but he won't stop us from destroying our lives to learn that lesson."
posted at 20:08:53 on May 8, 2008 by matt2


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"By emulating the Master, who endured temptations but “gave no heed unto them,” we, too, can live in a world filled with temptations “such as [are] common to man”. Of course Jesus noticed the tremendous temptations that came to him, but He did not process and reprocess them. Instead, He rejected them promptly. If we entertain temptations, soon they begin entertaining us! Turning these unwanted lodgers away at the doorstep of the mind is one way of giving “no heed.” Besides, these would-be lodgers are actually barbarians who, if admitted, can be evicted only with great trauma."

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987