Frustrated with codependency
By Surrender
1/4/2008 11:24:59 PM
I am so frustrated. I have just had an ugly argument with my wife. She just wants to apologize and go to bed like nothing bad has happened. Unfortunately I am still mad as hell and am tired of living like this. From my point of view, we get into an intense argument at least once a month, and it feels like its always my fault for things that I do or don't do. It even gets to the point of her trying to interpret my thoughts and accusing me of them. When it gets to this point I cannot open up to her. I can see so much codependency within our marriage of her always trying to watch me and making sure that I am doing what is right. I am completely tired of it. I feel like I have lost my freedom of who I am.

I have not used for over 386 days and really working hard on my program. I know my character defects and am trying to deal with them. It feels like she basis her life around me, especially when she feels like I am cycling with depression and moodiness. I think that she blames many problems of our marriage on me and does not take responsibility for her own actions. I know that I need to forgive, I don't know if I have it in me.


Have you read, "The Peacegiver"?    
"I know what you're going through. Addiction is a family disease. The addict is addicted to their behavior or substance while the spouse or family member is obssessed with the addict. Sometimes the real trouble begins when we are actually "clean" and experiencing that "change of heart"
Guard your "sobriety" with every fiber of your being. Once you've been given that Grace it is your responsiblily to maintain it. Good job on reaching out! Maybe it's your turn to be patient and long-suffering with your wife. You said, "It seems like she bases her life around me, I think she blames many problems of our marriage on me..." Step back and ask yourself, "Can I really blame her?"
You may be right, she needs to get some recovery of her own going on and take a better look at herself before doing what she's just used to doing but wasn't it you who instigated these dynamics into the relationship in the first place? Our spouses have gotten into their own cycle of reacting to crisis and trying to cope. When we begin to recover it leaves a void in them. They are so used to being in "damage-control" that when they see us recovering while they're still hurting it throws them for a real loop! Our spouses need help as well! We need to be patient with them while they find out for THEMSELVES that they need it.
Congratulations on your year clean, by the way! Keep doing whatever you're doing and reaching out when things inevitably get crazy from time to time. Good luck."
posted at 13:39:28 on January 5, 2008 by Anonymous
Give your wife a break!    
"Before your 386 days of sobriety, how many lies did you tell your wife? For how many years? Can you blame her for being a little skeptical of your recovery? How in the world can she possibly KNOW that you are really clean and sober when you lied to her how many times? It might take her YEARS before she gets to the point of being able to really trust you again. You brought this codependency into your marriage with the bad choices you made and now you're going to have to deal with the consequences. And you need to deal with those consequences with the patience and grace of a man who is sincere in his repentance and following Jesus Christ. "
posted at 21:59:22 on January 12, 2008 by Anonymous

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"I need not define your specific problem to help you overcome it. It doesn’t matter what it is. If it violates the commandments of the Lord, it comes from Satan, and the Lord can overcome all of Satan’s influence through your application of righteous principles. Please understand that the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now. Satan wants you to think that it is impossible. That is not true. The Savior gave His life so that you can completely overcome the challenges you face. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990