Tryin not to be negative, but need to vent
By sjanderson1
2/8/2016 9:50:26 PM
Okay, in the interest of trying to keep my positive thought process going I am going to try really hard to not vent, or that is not focus on my fear, give my life to God. That being said I am so frustrated or scared with my prayers though, I try to pray and nothing happens, people tell me that they hear voices, promptings etc. For me I feel like all I am doing is talking to the wall, with the hope that there is a God. Instead of having hope I am here with no idea of what to do, I am told that I should be looking for new work and I have been, but that gets depressing and discouraging, I try to serve with the missionaries, my calling etc. and that is okay, but at times it seems like why am I doing this, why am I still sober? I know it is weird to be asking these questions, but it seems like there is no possible opportunity for change or hope. Oops I have gotten a little off into the negative, please forgive me.

On another front I am frankly afraid of talking to my wife, I don't know why. I try to reach out to her, but I am afraid of being hurt so I reach out in an impersonal way via text. I don't know why I am so afraid of talking to her, she was this wonderful person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know why there is such fear in my life. I now I am powerless, or in my mind I can see it, I am trying to accept it and live with life as it is. I have a problem at times though saying why me, why is the price so high, what does God want from me; I think I know the Gospel answer to that and the recovery answer to that is my heart, my will my desire to follow my Savior.

What I struggle with is the boredom and the lack of activity in my life. I am living off past "glories" past limited success. As a missionary to a foreign country I thought that my language skills were going to be the career path etc. I only mention this because it is so easy to fight yesterday's battles today, hoping that maybe this time I will get it right, that I will finally climb out of the hole that I have been since childhood. the reason I mention the mission experience is, that at the time while serving the mission things were hard, but I felt like I was part of an elite group, someone special, loved my god. I didn't necessarily feel that I was getting answers to prayers, but I had the hope that God would answer eventually. What I struggle with now is what I feel is the being disappointment of "things not working out". Now I know with 20 plus years experience I can see that things don't necessarily work out, but I feel like there is not a lot of motivation to believe that God answers prayers, or frankly even cares who I am. Now I know that this is selfish and childish to be stating you (God) aren't' blessing me so why don't I just go and eat worms. It is just really hard right now to hold on. I know in AA the key is acceptance

Something last that I realized is that I am not sure why I married my wife. I think I saw her as exciting loving, kind, someone who loved to serve others that we could work together to follow God's plan. Now in the interest of full honest I was scared to get married, she was the one who grabbed my hand, and basically said you are either in or out. as I mentioned above about the past, I had thought that God would be more involved in my life, that things would be easier etc, that there would be a clear path for me to follow. Please forgive me for being so negative and focused on what I don't have, I have a lot to be grateful for, there is frankly though a deep part of me that is angry, hurt or something at God saying D$^$ I have experienced enough, there should be a "reason" for my physical disability, that after 20 years there should be some miraculous reason that makes sense and makes my life worth it for having gone through this experience, yet I feel like, frankly forgive me for being so blunt , but that there are some people who don't get challenged to the same degree. Now I know from Gospel Doctrine I heard yesterday that if you think someone else's life is easier you just don't know enough about them; while I guess that it is probably true, and this is all in my head, but it seems as though there are people who don't realize how blessed they are. Okay I guess I need to take a deep breath realize that that person who is so blessed and doesn't know it is me. What I guess I am struggling with honestly is that I don't understand why I have CP, I don't understand why my daughter has the same thing. I feel like there is something wrong with me, there is something inherently wicked or bad or evil or whatever that keeps me from being loved and accepted by God.

After all of this, I guess that is a question that has been at the heart of the issue for over three decades - what is wrong with me, why am I un-loveable, why won't God heal me. I know that it is nice to be healed emotionally and everything, just like having enough food for today is nice, what is wrong with me though. I know as I write this there are not any answers anyone can provide, that is what I struggle with is again, silence from Heaven when I have a broken heart and it feels like God is foricing this upon me. I have tried toaccept the idea that I accepted these challenges before I came to earth, that I understood and knew what I was getting into, but it just seems pretty dang heard to swallow sometimes when God seems so distant and unknowable. what is doubly difficult is my wife keeps telling me where I am wrong, what is wrong with me, how I am an addict, how I don't fight for the marriage etc., that I don't care for them enough. I get it, or understand that things are hard and things are not going the way that she wants them to... but they aren't going my way either. Life is s

It looks like I didn't do as well as I thought I was trying to . If you have endured this rant, thank you.


For whatever it is worth, here is my experiences....    
"I actually really can relate to what you just wrote. Like a lot.

FWIW I don't feel God when I prayer either. I've sort of learned to accept Him as the quietness around me in a prayer, because I certainly don't hear His voice or presence very often. There have been a handful of times in my life that His voice has been there and I cling to the memories of those communications. They are quite rare, though undeniable, the few times they have happened. I used to get so upset that I didn't feel anyone there because I thought I was supposed to feel Him like other people do. Now I think that people just talk about the one or two times they do feel Him and it makes it seem like everyone is talking face to face with Him 24/7, when the truth is most of us have the "is anyone listening?" feeling 99% of the time.

I also had no idea why I married my husband. I can look back and remember the thought process that I went through when I said yes, but for years I was angry that God didn't yank me back and tell me not to marry him. I was doing the best I could with the information that I had, but I thought that if God loved me He would have answered my prayers and let me know the real person I was about to marry. I thought one thing, when the other was the reality, and I was too immature to know for myself. Today, I know I honestly just wasn't ready to get married (neither of us were), but my Mormon culture was really pushing me hard to be a young wife, and I didn't know myself well enough to discern what was healthy. Has it worked out? Ya. With bloody hard work and a lot of miracles. Do I regret it? No. Would I change it if I could? Yes, I would have waited years to get married. But I can't change it and I don't worry about it any more. It gave me tools that I love and appreciate today and my husband and I have a great marriage despite our rocky first decade.

I also often feel like other people have it easier than I do. Actually this was one of my major stumbling blocks. Still is.

Envy. Coveting. Pride.

Funny thing...I worked through the first couple steps of ARP but was stone-walled for a long, long time because I had this raging under current of anger at the unfairness of my lot. I distinctly remember the moment that I broke through that wall. It was the moment that gratitude for my husband's sex addictions entered my heart. There are some moments that an era ends, and a new era begins. That was a pivotal moment for me. Today I believe that gratitude was the key that unlocked my brain. I believe that gratitude is the mother of all other virtues. I had a great therapist that helped me learn how to be grateful for my greatest pains. But once that paradigm shifted, everything shifted. Its actually a great story that I'll tell y'all sometime.

Sj - for me, and again I can only speak for myself, I found that God remained unapproachable from the viewpoint that I saw Him. ARP really helped me get closer to Him, but there was another component that shocked me and I don't normally share, but here it is. I let go of the Church. I am ALWAYS going on, and on, about letting go....well, it shouldn't be too surprising for anyone who reads what I write, that I'd say this. But yes, I had to let go of the LDS church too. The church infrastructure, culture and community was blocking my view of God. He was far away. My heart was telling me the truth. He was long as they were in my way. I had to let them all go the same as I had to let my husband go. What that looked like for me is different than what it looks like for any other person. I would just ask that maybe you ask yourself if your relationship with The Church is mediating your relationship with God?

When I got the The Church untangled from my life to a point that I could see God clearly, we became good buddies. I accept Him as He is and He accepts me as I am. He is more quiet than I would like, but I am more sinful than He would like. We make it work. Church has nothing to do with our relationship. (I know that sounds shocking to say, because it was a shocking realization for me when I understood what I needed to do, so I understand if that comes off as apostate to some people.) When I got the voices of other people out of my head and heart I was able to feel Him. And guess what? He likes me. I found my voice. I found my hope and I especially found my happiness.

Well, my friend, your are welcome to go shopping through these experiences and thoughts and take what is useful and validating and leave the rest. My hope is it helps a little.
posted at 13:41:29 on February 9, 2016 by maddy
thanks for answering    
as always I appreciate your insight, especially from the other side. It has been helpful for me to hear your insights on life. I so appreciate it"
posted at 00:23:46 on February 11, 2016 by sjanderson1

Add a Comment:

***Anonymous User***     (login above to post UN-anonymously)

"Develop discipline of self so that, more and more, you do not have to decide and redecide what you will do when you are confronted with the same temptation time and time again. You need only to decide some things once. How great a blessing it is to be free of agonizing over and over again regarding a temptation. "

— Spencer W. Kimball