Satan's playground
By Humbled32
2/4/2016 3:54:52 PM
Some days it just feels like I'm just part of Satans playground. I can almost hear him laughing at me as I struggle. I feel like every conversation I have with my spouse he listens to. I really even don't like to pray out loud because I don't want him listening to my deep inner feelings. The more I express my feelings, the more stuff comes about. The more he knows what he can get me with the more he knows what thoughts to place in my mind. Things trigger me almost on the daily. How do I overcome this? How do I make it safe for myself? Honestly I feel like being able to write and talk about my feelings help but who is watching?!?! Who is waiting for that little information to know what bothers me so he can pound it into my head a billion times a day until I react? Satan and his force Angels waits! He is intently listening to me and I feel it. It feels like darkness is just patiently waiting to capture me. He waits. He listens. He knows what bothers me. How do I even get around this to heal?


Thoughts on praying    
"I know what you mean. I've had similar thoughts. Sometimes I keep my prayers silent - Heavenly Father will still hear me after all. But I've also prayed for angels to shield me (& my husband) and provide protection. I know that that has also happened for me. Are you able to get to a temple? Perhaps spending some time in prayer there would help.
The thing I try to remember is that yes, satan knows me well. He remembers the pre-existence and I don't. He knows my fears and weaknesses. But so does Heavenly Father. And when I let Him, He will turn them into strengths, because He desires to build me up. And He is stronger than satan. He loves you. When you feel comfortable praying aloud, pray aloud. When you don't, pray silently. As long as we keep praying, we can expect His help."
posted at 17:23:40 on February 4, 2016 by annonymous62
"I haven't gone to the temple recently but I have my recommend and need to go. It's funny you mentioned that just because I really had a hard day yesterday and that was the feeling I got of where I needed to go to help me feel at peace! I ask for those same things. Just some days seem so much harder than others. I do believe that in some way my prayers must be protected and I ask for that at times and feel like it really helps. Thanks for reminding me of Heavenly Fathers strength and power. I know that he will help and is more than Satan could even wish for. Also, I do know that Satan has no power over us and long as we stay on the gospel path. Again, some days just seem so frustrating, but I hav so much to be thankful for."
posted at 18:31:37 on February 4, 2016 by Humbled32
Nephi and boxing matches    
"Your post reminds me of the Psalm of Nephi

It might be worth reading and see if Nephi can help you a little. 2 Nephi 4:16-35. He knows a bit about fear and depression and frustration.

FWIW I am not really sure where the concept that Satan has more or less power if he hears our intimate prayers, comes he is spying on us and so gets an upper hand. That has never made sense to me and so it just isn't in me to think that way. I have no idea if it is true or not, but I don't worry about it even if it is true. I figure my actions are more telling than my prayers for him to discern whatever he wants to know anyway. I guess I am playing with an open hand regardless, so why worry? I'll shout my prayers right under his nose if I feel like it, because I've got the trump card, so it doesn't matter what inside information Satan has.

I'll tell you what I do think though, although it might not sound very uplifting at first but it's what helps me. I think that if you put Satan and me in a ring together that he'd win everytime. He seems to be a pretty buff dude who plays unfair and knows how to kick my butt. It's just not a fair match, him against me. I say this with some confidence since I have been pitted up against him a few times and have the black eyes and bruises to prove it. But the secret is that you don't fight him. Ever.

What, you say?!?!?! ...Ya, you don't fight him. Because I am not playing solo. This is like a tag team match and I just reach through the ropes and fist bump Jesus and say, "You're up, Brother. I am out." When you put Jesus in the ring with Satan, the tables turn, and He'll wipe the floor with ol' Lucifer. Every. Time. Hakuna Matata all the way.

So often we try to engage Satan and beat him. We aren't ever going to succeed at that. It's not our destiny to conquer Satan. That was Christ's job and He already did it. Our only job is to accept the work that is already done. It's only about submitting to Christ's gift, and power.

So how does that relate to being the wife of an addict?

For me, at first I was always trying to stop the pornography, or the sex addiction, or the sick behavior, and messed up thinking that my husband was engaging in. Ya that was never going to work. I thought if I was good enough that I could toss Satan out of my husband's head. Hmmmmm....codependency much? That was the first thing that had to go. I had to accept my total inability to fix my husband. Again, Christ's job, not mine. There is so much I could say about LETTING GO...but everyone's journey in detaching is unique so I'll just leave it simple.

Next, I was able to look to myself because I let go of my hubby. So I started to focus on fixing the 'stinking thinking' inside my own head and fix myself. There was so much there that I was doing wrong. My issues with patience, my lack of faith, my fears, my anger, a.k.a... all my sins. (To quote Nephi, The Enemies of my Soul)

This is where it gets tricky. I was stepping in the ring with Satan on this one, over and over, trying to beat him. I was trying to beat him out of me. Funny thing happened....I realized that I had no more power to change myself than I did to change my husband. I couldn't fix me either. Once more, I had to realize that it wasn't my job to fix people, including myself. It was Christ's job.

Like Nephi, I get to say, "Lord, wilt thou do it for me? I can't, but I know you can!" Over and over Nephi cries out, "Why do my problems have so much power over me?!?!? Why does the same, stupid tricks that Satan uses, work every time?" But then he immediately submits and he says, "But you know what? It doesn't matter. I know that Christ can save me. I know that He will redeem and deliver me. I know that He'll remove the obstacles. I know that He will change me."

Humbled, every time I read your posts my heart breaks for you. There is no doubt that you are getting sucker punched over and over with this thing called life. I feel like you've been taking an emotional beating for a very long time now. Whether it is your husband's addiction; and the associated denial and selfish behavior, The fear and the triggers that wont stop, Or the hopelessness and despair that keeps creeping in, I know that it seems like Satan just wont leave you alone.

Humbled, I promise you that there is safety. There is a place of perfect peace and protection from all of this. There is a place where you aren't Satan's play thing for him to hurt. I don't know what that 'letting go' journey will look like for you, but I know that for everyone of us, there is a moment when we come to ourselves and say, "Lord, I'll let you do whatever you want in my life." and we walk away from the battle. THEN He can finally be our Champion, as He is meant to be, with our consent.

I guess I am just going on and on saying what Anon62 said in two sentences, "He is stronger than satan. He loves you."

I love you my dear sister and pray for you and your husband. I hope something in here helps. I hope that each of us, no matter how bloody, broken and beaten can just give it up and touch Christ's hand through the ropes and say, "Tag, you're it." He is the ultimate heavy weight champion after all. Hugs sweet sister. I am in your corner.
posted at 13:04:38 on February 5, 2016 by Maddy

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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006