Crunch Time!
By Chewy
2/1/2016 2:26:52 AM

I've actually been here briefly before, albeit under a different username that I've long since forgotten. I was kind of hoping that I could avoid coming back here, but hey, don't we all.

I've struggled with pornography and masturbation for the past 10 years of my life. It's been off and on, I've talked with who knows how many bishops, my mission president, my parents, my now fiance. I've been to the recovery meetings. It seems like I've tried everything and it's frustrating to me that I still have this problem. It's stupid. I know it's wrong, therefore, I should not do it. It really should be that simple but it never is. I know that reading my scriptures daily and praying daily, listening to the words of the prophets, going to church are all good for me, but they have so often been touted as the cure all solution for everything in my life, but it hasn't seemed to work yet. They certainly help, but they don't magically stop me from wanting to act out like we might imagine they would.

I've been blessed with wonderful people who have supported me through this all, most notably and lately my fiance. But right now she's off on an adventure in New Zealand for the next couple of months, so it's been hard without that support by my side. I'm getting married in June, and right now is crunch time because I refuse to have anything other than a temple sealing, anything else would feel empty and sad. I know I can do it, and that I have to do it. For me. For her. For God, who's loved me through it all.

I don't know if this is really going to help me but I'm going to try and stay active on here and maybe by helping others I'll help myself. I look forward to hearing from you all.

And please, if you have any questions at all about me or my situation don't be afraid to ask. At this point in my life I'm incredibly open. I've come to realize this addiction doesn't make me a monster, and there's no reason to hide or be ashamed, but that in fact by opening up to others about it I can do a great deal of good.

Love ya'll,



welcome back    
"hope you find healing here. welcome back"
posted at 02:16:01 on February 2, 2016 by sjanderson1
a few more comments    
Welcome again. I have a question I would like to talk to you about, if I may be so bold. How do you keep going? My question revolves around the fact that I have had sobriety for months at time, I know it is not years and serenity is a journey not a destination, but for me there came a time where my heart just gave out on checking the boxes and doing "what was right" and going along trying to get better. There came a time for me, where I began to walk back toward the edge of the cliff and in several cases jumped back off the ledge. What I struggle with even right now today is the desire to give up all my weapons of rebellion, my right to be angry and bored and upset and resentful about my past present and future. I know all the AA and LDS sayings and stuff, I am supposed to be powerless etc that God can do for what me what I can't do for myself etc. What I am asking is how do you deal with this struggle, how do you stay back far away enough from the edge to get true serenity. I hav fooled myself several times telling myself when I was truly physically sober by SA definitions, I was still wanting out of my life. I won't drag down the energy of this conversation with details about my own life, but suffice it to say there is a great deal of frustration, resentment anger etc. I feel like I have tried to study the scriptures live their precepts by giving more service, by giving more of myself to solve the problem. Do you struggle with this? if so, how do you handle your life. I know I don't have a routine and I am paying a price for that.

As an aside something I have learned is that I have looked to other people, books, group memmbers the scriptures traditions etc to be my God. Instead of connecting with God, truly connecting with him, understanding who he is, what his characteristics are I look to others to tell me what to do to get sober, how to live, what career to choose etc. Do you struggle with this issue? I apologize for the blast from the fire hose, but felt I would like to start a discussion about how you face your challeges, what has worked for you and see what ideas we can share.

posted at 15:39:17 on February 3, 2016 by sjanderson1
A thought    
"Welcome back Chewy. I have a thought as the spouse of someone who has a pornography addiction. First of all, it's great that you're able to be honest with your fiancee. It really is. My husband has been open with me since before we were married, & I really feel that has made all the difference for us. Don't lose that honesty, no matter how difficult it might be to maintain at times.
As far as the little things go, no they aren't a cure-all. I know my husband has still struggled with temptation when he's been doing all those little things. But what I DO know, is that it's been when he's been doing all those little things that he's been given the strength to say NO, to close the laptop, to reach out to someone, to close his eyes or to turn and walk away. Is it easy? No. But he gets the help he needs. He remembers to pray, and he is able to take steps to be safe. When those little things start to slide, he is more at risk. It's harder to turn away when temptation comes knocking. Sometimes it's seemed impossible to him, and he's made mistakes. Each time he's slipped, it's been because the little things slipped first.
So no, they aren't a cure-all. But they are a measure of protection that can be vital in fighting addiction."
posted at 22:56:35 on February 3, 2016 by Anonymous
"Great council and advice has been given to you. I am a recovering addict from pornography and sexual acting out. After living with my addiction for over 20 years I finally admitted I had a problem. I was you 20 years ago. First, don't get married unless you are committed to always being 100% open and honest about your addiction. The minute you decide to keep things from your wife and eventually your family the harder it will be to get out and stop the behavior. Also a warning that if you stay in your addiction to pornography it will grow. It will no longer be enough to masturbate and you will eventually act out sexually.

Get Help NOW! Be open with your fiancé and allow her to be a part of your sobriety and recovery. Sobriety is possible but it's more important that we as addicts don't hide what we are doing. It's in the dark places of our lives that it grows and thrives. I'm grateful for a loving wife who has helped me and been by my side. We have lived through and experienced the atonement. Oh it is wonderful that he would care for me enough to die for me.....One of my favorites lines from a hymn. My prayers for you and your fiancé. If you ever want to talk about things let me know."
posted at 17:00:19 on February 24, 2016 by SoberOneDay
"Don't worry about it, say what's on your mind.

Sorry it's been a long time since I checked this out. I've been doing alright. A bit better, but still struggling. But to answer your question about how I keep going, I honestly don't see another option. I look at what's waiting for me down both roads. Down the road that involves me giving up and giving in, it also involves giving up my fiance, giving up the prospects of having a happy, functioning family. I'd be giving up my faith, which I've come to realize is the only thing that truly makes me happy and gives me peace in the end. If I gave up and gave into this addiction, I'd lose everything, and I can't have that. I have so much to live for and so much to experience, that even when I struggle and maybe give up for a day, I have to get back up and try again tomorrow.

I struggle setting a routine too, my life situation changes so often from being home, from being away at school, from being working full time to not working at all, that it's hard to have a set routine for more than a couple months. And it's hard. It's hard when you don't have a routine. What I have found helps though is to just focus on one thing at a time you'd like to incorporate into your life, and you work on it until it's a habit. You don't have to tackle everything at once. Steps forward, even if they're small, are still steps forward.

I think it's easier for all of us to turn to other, tangible sources besides God, because he is intangible. I can't touch Him. I don't fully understand Him. I can't comprehend Him. And I think it's okay to rely on other sources, heavily even, so long as those sources are good. I lean on my fiance a lot. Maybe even more than I should. I try to learn the science behind porn addiction, so I know what's happening to my brain and how I can best combat it. I think where God comes in is that God can confirm to you which sources are good, and which aren't worth your time or are potentially destructive. The more we involve God, though hard it may be, the better it's going to go. Like I said before. Small steps. Just think of one thing you'd like to do to get closer to God and focus on that for a while until it's habit.

I hope it helped."
posted at 00:54:26 on March 6, 2016 by CHEWY
Thank you for sharing    
"I appreciated your comments about small steps. I am struggling right now to reach out to God.I am doing "everything that i am supposed to" plus callings etc and things are not changing. My wife sent me a message today saying she wants between 1500 and 2000 for "child support" she just left the house a year and a half ago because of her feeelings toward me and my addiction. Now I need to be careful because I can fall into self pitty and get angry here and i don't want to. I can understand where she is coming from. I want to make 30% more per month. We have a house here in VA, but she doesn't want to be here, for whatever reason. I understand that is her, her choices etc and I can't fix or solve that problem. It is frustrating though with some simple things like loosing my cellphone this week. I can't reach out to my renewal partners, can't get the errands I would normally with the phone. Doesit make my life impossible, no, but really more difficult. I am frustrated because I feel like I had the phone when I came home, I can't find it. i have prayed for several days and I don't have any idea where to look. Now I am sure this sounds like self pity and it probably is, but just like the cellphone I would like to make more money i would like to be able to support my family more- we have enough now but it is not enough for my wife....or at least that is how I feel.She is unwilling to accept help from the Church she has said that the food is not healthy etc. it angers me that I feeel like she is fighthing against me at times feeling like she treats me like a cash machine only. I don't think that is how she feels about me. But so often it is decried the objectfication of women etc. I believe this is wrong, but what about the reverse, when she thinks or acts like all I am is a paycheck. i know I am supposed to provide preside and protect according to the family proclomation, but come on it gets to be a little tiresome after a while. Also if I could just have something go right for me it would feel like at times that things were getingi better. I am working on a month of sobriety, but agan i am not sure that it really makes all that much of a difference. I know I don't want to go back, but I really don't like where I am right now."
posted at 21:38:45 on March 11, 2016 by sjanderson1
"Maybe I'm oversimplifying a really complex problem, but maybe just focus on what you do know. We all know we don't like our addictions, we know that they aren't good for us, they don't get us anywhere. They aren't an effective means of stress relief even, because they just bring guilt if we give in. You know how to solve that problem and it is simply to stop and not give in, no matter what. That's one problem in your life you do have complete control over, and you can take solace in that at the very least. Everything else in your life might be going wrong and you might not know yet what you want to do, but you're one month sober and that is one thing that is good and that you can be happy about.

Sometimes a little perspective helps me too, that this life here on earth is so short in comparison with eternity. Trials here are but a drop in the ocean that is our existence. Do what you can, do your best, God isn't asking for anything more. Even if nothing else is going right take solace in the fact that by living the Gospel you can and will enjoy eternity with him."
posted at 20:04:45 on March 13, 2016 by Chewy
Being very honest    
"Chewy, I appreicate what you are saying, and please understand that right now i just had a big arugment with my wife over money for the 100th time. .there are a lot of detaisl that don't need to be mentioned, but to be honest, I don't know I want to live with God to be honest.My wife is trying to get me to take out debt so she can live on her own and "recover from my abuse to her". Frankly I am sick of all of this. I don't mean to be a rain on the parade. i am trying to be positive and think positive and be grateful for what I do have... it is just I find myself regretting ever marrying my wife because of her attitude. Why does that make me not want to live with God, I don't know, but I want to push away and i get really angry and upset about life. i guess it is because things are not the way that i want them. i have a serious problem with trusting God"
posted at 00:41:54 on March 16, 2016 by sjanderson1
So don't trust God. Fight and win and do it yourself.    
"How's that working out for you?"
posted at 05:44:43 on March 24, 2016 by Anonymous

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"In a decaying environment, the mind is the last redoubt of righteousness, and it must be preserved even amid bombardment by evil stimuli. Christ is competent to see us through, “for in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is able to succour them that are tempted” As promised, He will make either “a way to escape” or a way “to bear it”."

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987