Help Please
By sjanderson1
1/25/2016 9:28:38 PM
Okay, I am feeling a little vulnerable here and want to ask for help....but I will ask two questions that I would like some honest assistance with. My wife wants me to give her a plan of 1 how to achieve recovery or how to become sober and 2. how to overcome childhood trauma. There are a lot of feelings swirling around inside me right now. I have tried a lot of different ideas what people have suggested somethings have worked, others have not. A major obstacle for me is finances, she says I should be willing to sell the house to get sober, to take vacation days to get into a program to get sober. I honestly am not sure that P@rn or M are the real issues for me in complete and total honesty. Instead I believe that fear, anxiety, anger, lust are at the core of my issues. now probably you would say that fits the SA definition and it probably does, but I feel as though as hard as I try to address the p@rn issue, I'll go six seven eight months p@rn and m free, but nothing changes, she is still angry at me, finances haven't changed and so what is the point of continuing to change. As much as I don't like the p@rn I don't like the feeling of being in an empty house, feeling completely powerless in my life, unable to provide for a family that needs more that what I have given them. Maybe this is my guilt speaking, but I feel like my issues are soo much deeper than I ever thought possible. I commit myself to "give up something" like video games etc. While the abstience thing works for a while it does not bring about lasting change in my heart. Instead I feel as thought I am just enduring, not even very well but enduring something that has to be endured. I spoke with my sponsor today and he pointed out that steps 1-3 are the way to get sober, get to know God, believe in God, and turn my life over to him. I guess have always wanted a list of things to do to say that I had done it and would be and then say I have achieved the success. How do you keep going? I think that is my problem, is that after some days months it seems like thingsa re okay, but without fail in my life I fall back into old habits unable to make the lasting change,


Power comes when you are willing to be empty before God    
I am not 100% sure what your questions are...I know you asked "How do you keep going?" Which I interpretted that you mean once you've started on the road of sobriety how do you keep progressing to recovery. Is that right?

FWIW, I believe that you are right about what you said. Porn and Masturbation are very rarely the 'REAL' issue. This is splitting hairs in a way but I think it is important to understand. For my husband, porn was nothing more than an escape and a distraction from the pain in this world. It was a coping mechanism. Nothing more. Nothing less. Once I really saw that, it really helped me not be mad at him. It's not a healthy coping tool, but it was a way for him to try and deal with the low parts of life. On some occasions that was boredom and loneliness and other times it was triggered by severe pain and stress. It is a make believe world where you can go and are in control, when things are deeply, deeply out of control in THIS world. We all know that addiction unfortunately causes more boredom, loneliness, pain and stress once the binge is over...but for a split second the relief is there.

Often when I've read your posts I've noticed a word that keeps coming up. Powerlessness.

SJ, I am going to guess that this might be one of things at the core of your issues like you mentioned.

Can I tell you something I think about you? I am going to make some assumptions about you based on what I've learned about humans, spirituality and ARP....are you ready? I am not into blowing smoke up anyones butt, I try to speak frankly and honestly, so here we go...

You are meant to be a man of great power. You are predestined for it. You were formed for it in every way. If in fact, the feelings of powerlessness that seem to plague you so consistently, in so many different forms, (finances, relationships, physically, goals, etc.) are as intense as they appear, then it is my conclusion that this very fact is all the evidence I need to diagnose you as one of the most powerful of men. To claim all you were meant for, you will have to descend to the rock bottom of these areas, so you will know how to perfectly appreciate them and ultimately master them.

I want to share a quote with you:

"The curious paradox is when I accept myself just as I am it is then that I can change."
- Carl Rogers

To claim your power SJ, you need to first accept that you have none. I see that you are still battling this foundational concept. You are still working so bloody hard. You slave and work and obsess over recovery. Everyone here sees it and hears it in your posts that you are constantly chewing on this program, and climbing mountains to find recovery. Bless you Sj for that! But sometimes it isn't about how much work you put starts by accepting, to the core of your soul that you can't fix this. It starts not by climbing mountains, but by throwing down your rucksack, sitting down on the good earth exactly where you stand and simply whispering to God, "I can't. But I believe you can."

Sj, I have often given you the advice of letting go of your wife's story. I still believe that but I think it may go deeper than that for you. I think maybe you need to let go of a lot more. When you accept your entire powerlessness over this crazy thing called life, I think you will start to see who you really are and the magnificence inside of you.

I think you are afraid of powerlessness. I think you are angry at powerlessness. You run from the very hint of powerlessness. This is halting your recovery because recovery STARTS WITH POWERLESSNESS!!!! Sj, I believe when you can come to the place that you find your ultimate glory in your powerlessness then you'll paradoxically be filled with the power you were always meant to have. You can't fake that submission. You cannot fake one part of the sincerely it will require to give over every dream and goal to God's designs, but when you do I know it will be a huge relief for you.

I have so much more I want to say, but I have goals to try and get more sleep. So I'll end here and we can talk more later. Brother, you are already exactly where you need to be. You just need to accept what is.

Submit. Let go. Believe.

You're exactly where you need to be right now. All is well. "
posted at 03:06:34 on January 27, 2016 by maddy
Thank you Maddy    
Thank you so much. I have truly come to love your insight and help in being able to explain and help me as well as others here in this community. I believe that powerlessness is the key to my life, fear of not being able to "do my part' scares me to almost not being able to act and instead falling back into poor choices.

on a positive not, my wife has grown so much, she is such a wonderful help mate, she has begun being able to communicate and help me understand where she is going what she is thinking and helping me understand that she loves me. I know that sounds weird to be saying that, but it is a blessing from God.

Maddy, I spoke with my Bishop last night, it was the first time in my life that tried to be honest with a priesthood leader completely, including the p@rn and m@sturbation issues along with the domestic violence, anger and all the mixed up emotions that are rolling around inside of me. I feel a lot better having talked with him. He told me not to take the Sacrament this week, that we would check in two weeks to assess how I am doing and evaluate my progress I was so grateful to be able to remain in fellowship, to remain working in my callings to try and continue to serve others because that is helping me have some purpose and meaning in my life

I carefully say this, I love you Maddy, you are a God send for me you have helped me see things from my wife's perspective. Thank you seems so very hollow, I wish there was more I could say or do for you to show my appreciation, but I am stuck with only words. please accepts them for what they are. There is so much more I want to share, but I need to get back to work. Godbless you for your work!"
posted at 14:03:29 on January 27, 2016 by sjanderson1

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"My spiritual prescription includes six choices which I shall list alphabetically, A through F:
  • Choose to Be Alive
  • Choose to Believe
  • Choose to Change
  • Choose to Be Different
  • Choose to Exercise
  • Choose to Be Free "

    — Russell M. Nelson

    General Conference, October 1988