Venting some more
By sjanderson1
1/14/2016 11:36:11 PM
have been thinking about the motivations the reason while I feel the way I do, why I keep failing. First it is hard to admit that I keep failing because I want to be good, I want to be better etc. What I have learned about myself is that I think from a very young age I wanted sympathy for my disability, for the way in which it was hard growing up etc. When that didn't happen, or when it didn't provide the peace that I so badly wanted I became disillusioned with what I had been taught growing up. Because I was living at home with my parents as teenager I wasn't able to go off the deep end like I would later in life, but as I look back I found behaviors that were not healthy regarding food, regarding the use of my time etc that were unhealthy and brought unhappiness then and later. When I didn't see the changes in my life, the blessings I thought I deserved I got upset. I believe I was trying to not impress, but wanted to have my parents ease up on me or have them make the situation easier because of my disability, because of the hard things growing up as a teenager. When they wouldn't or couldn't' I got al the more angry at God thinking that he must the source of the pain and the disappointment in my life. I was going to church going to my meetings etc, and even was most of the time I was okay with doing the church thing.

I thought I had resolved these feelings. I thought I was okay, that I had forgiven and forgotten a lot of the pain and hurt and stuff from the past. For the most part unless I dwell upon it, it doesn't hurt, it doesn't usually make me mad, but there are times when I look from the outside and I see people's lives I can buy into the false idea that if only I was someone else, lived somewhere else my life would be better more peaceful, more happy whatever. I also get frustrated because for example tonight my wife called me on "what is my sobriety" but she did it in a round about way by asking, when was the last time you talked to your parents, how many meetings are you going to, what are you numbers etc. I have to admit I am really, really resentful to her right now. I am trying not to, I am trying to give forgiveness that I would ask from her and not be upset and angry at her.

I contacted her because the debit car account was in the negative and I wanted to make sure the mortgage payment was made, but she turned It on me, that it all was my fault.

I get the whole she needs to know things are safe and etc and I am trying not to wallow in self pity but dang it I am really tempted right now to go act out simply because she has been such a wench about the all the stuff. I imagine this is Satan's plan for my life to try and defeat me in my battle, but nevertheless it is frustrating that the more I pore in, the more she takes, the more I try to connect to God it seems as though he is not there. I know I have only 9 days of sobriety and so there is a lot of chemicals talking here, but frankly over the years that I have tried to change my habits not a flipping bit of difference has been made in what I have tried to do. I know I haven't given it my best effort, that it is my fault etc, that it is all my fault. she keeps setting up these gigantic obstacles that I have to overcome, and I can't. I frankly don't know if I can be sober, if I can change, let alone if I want to change. I would have expected some "miracles" by now, some change of heart on my part or on her part. I guess I am not being earnest or sincere in my desires so as usual it comes back to my fault.

Something she likes to hit on is guilt versus shame. well she says guilt helps you change, shame tells you you are bad. Well I am feeling shame and I want to change, but there is not a flyig thing I can do about changing the situation, I can't bring in extra money, I can't fix a thing I can't even resist temptation very well


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"The excuse is given that it is hard to avoid, that it is right at our fingertips and there is no escape. Suppose a storm is raging and the winds howl and the snow swirls about you. You find yourself unable to stop it. But you can dress properly and seek shelter, and the storm will have no effect upon you. Likewise, even though the Internet is saturated with material, you do not have to watch it. You can retreat to the shelter of the gospel and its teaching of cleanliness and virtue and purity of life. "

— Gordon B. Hinckley

General Conference, October 2004