Why am I here again?
By sjanderson1
1/3/2016 8:47:03 PM
Dumb question, but here I am after a this week of relapses, wondering why how I got to be here.There is part of me that feels liek all i need is a good yelling at, that scarring me will make things work better. obviously there is embarrasement and resentment toward myself, but there is also the I am never going to get out of this situation. I guess I have to come to terms with this, that I am broken, in need of the Savior and need him to expain to me, show me and do for me what I can't do for myself. I have had times of briliance minggled in amongts a life that is not very stellar. not to beat myself up, but to look at myself honestly and to try and get better. I pray for God's help to make it through the day


Your trajectory is more important than time since last slip up    
"SJAnderson, please keep in mind that your overall trajectory is more important than number of days since your last slip up. I don't know how well you see it, but you've made some significant improvements in the recent past. Personally, I don't know if I could endure a separation from my wife, compounded by extremely stressful financial concerns, and make it as long as you did.

Don't let this stop your progress. Learn from your mistakes while you move forward to bigger and better. Your trajectory over the past year or so is definitely upward."
posted at 06:07:34 on January 4, 2016 by Anonymous
Thanks Anonymous    
"I truly appreciate your kind words of encouragement. Your reminder is a good thing to keep in mind. What I am struggling with right now is a utter feeling of despair, that is people tell me that I just need to "decide" what I want to do in my life regarding career stuff. I have felt so bored and unchallenged in my current job. Not to rehash old stuff, also what is double troubling with this is I have no motivation to learn, or to study or to get better. I don't mean to focus on the negative, I know that this is not good for my trajectory, but honestly I don't have the bounce that I need in my life to care to make the changes that I need to. Maybe I have the stick by the wrong end. I just was hoping that my life would be so different by now, that I would have gone through enough already.

What I am learning for me is that the core of addiction for me is about control and power. I didn't realize this until this morning. I want a job or career to have some power/control in my life but it is not working out, my job is not giving me any sense of purpose, my wife is gone with the kids so no purpose or status in that area. What I guess I am learning is, hey I am nothing if I base my value my identify on these other things, yet I still do. I know the serenity prayer and I understand mentally that I have to let go of what I can't control, it is doing it that is so dang difficult. Even as I write this I want someone somewhere, maybe even God, to take away my pain, to help me feel better, to tell me that I am okay. I can't imagine that this is too healthy, but I don't know how to work through this problem. any suggestions?"
posted at 15:10:01 on January 6, 2016 by sjanderson1

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"When I'm tempted, I simply set it aside, and move on."

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