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Another Day's Thoughts on the Holiday's
By sjanderson1
12/29/2015 1:39:48 PM
had to say goodbye to my kids last night after three days spent with them out of state. It broke my heart when my nine year old ran away and started crying that I had to go. Instead of telling her it was going to be okay I just held her and cried myself. I didn't have anything to say or comfort her. This time I tried not to leave angry, too often at the leaving time is when we (the kids mother and I ) speak about money, how am I going to pay for the trip home etc, and it is eventually where their mom says hey I need money, you owe me money etc. Anyway I was grateful about being able to leave without making as big a scene as I have in the past. It is hard though because I believe part of the reason we are apart is because my wife doesn't want to be near me, not just because of the p@rn etc from the past, but I also feel like there are issues that she has that are so very deep to deal with. It was all I could do to not scream at their mother and say it was her fault that I had to leave, that we are not together as a family. obviously this would not be conducive to the Spirit.

I don't want to live my life our life based on what ifs, if only etc. But I do find myself in a real pickle and I just want to vent. People advise me to get a better job, to change my attitude, my wife has told me that I am not attracting success because of my negative behavior. I don't believe that any more. Certainly I believe that there is a lot of things I have done to damage my life, my relationship and I am responsible for them, I want and need to fix them. I just want a chance to earn a good income, have enough to get by, not have to rely upon the generosity of others. Accepting help has been very difficult, humbling, humiliating at times.

Please forgive me for my ranting. I don't want insinuate that I deserve more or better or whatever. I Understand that a lot of my struggles, our struggles comes from not being able to live on a budget, that in fact the money problems are probably symptomatic of a much deeper problem, not being able to rely upon the Savior completely. Not to say that he will save me in my financial sins, but that not being able to communicate my desires, my deepest darkest whatever feelings to my wife are at the core of my challenges. This was a contributing force in my p@rn issue, that I did not have the ability to speak with her about my desires s@xually, that I was resentful to her about her saying hey I want kids, that I had to just go along with things, in my head I mean. I wish I could flush out all these feelings emotions and stuff and start over without the past. I guess I can start over today.

What I struggle with is this dichotomy, that my wife says don't worry about the money, she doesn't want money that she wants a sober husband, but that there are the needs that need to be met. I guess I struggle because I want to believe the scripture that says take no through for tomorrow and put my life in God's hands (step 3), it has just gotten harder and harder and harder.

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"My spiritual prescription includes six choices which I shall list alphabetically, A through F:
  • Choose to Be Alive
  • Choose to Believe
  • Choose to Change
  • Choose to Be Different
  • Choose to Exercise
  • Choose to Be Free "

    — Russell M. Nelson

    General Conference, October 1988