more musings
By sjanderson1
11/15/2015 3:25:32 AM
I have been thinking about things and thought I would share. I have had to issues in the last two weeks with m. At first I was ashamed and fearful because, o my gosh I am dirty disgusting person. As I thought more about the situation I realized that had opened the door to lust in my life. I told my wife about the first issue. i haven't told her about the second one, partially because I am like... does it matter. I am being honest. I am trying to avoid my negative triggers etc. honestly thought there is a part of me that says why in the heck don't I get to feel at peace or more specifically "why am I s@xually repressed". I get resentful about the law of chastity, even thought 75-90% of the time I am a pretty kind thoughtful and nice person for other people. I think though that here is where Satan goes to work with me, that I feel repressed and angry and Pride. This is a compression of my resentment about a physical disability andnot being able to "do what I want to do". I should be content... I should be happy. I think that for me this is where satan can work his "magic on me" with the resentment of hey those kind of people have better s@x than me, that kind of S@x is better than this, or I should be able to have what I want when I want it. When I think about this I can see how much a split personality or broken person I can be at times. I wish talking about this would help me, I think it is helping me speak of things that were forbidden as a kid, that even after getting married talking about S@x was source of anxiety and maybe fear on my part.
I am trying hard to choose what I want in my life, as I have mentioned in other posts I have been working hard to focus on the good things, choosing what I want in my life, it is just so frustrating when things are not "working out"
I should be okay with life not working out, that I am not in control of life
I should be grateful for what I have, the friends around me etc, it just is so dang difficult when I feel like the one person for me.. is so very distant and not I don't feel like making progress. Now I am sure she probably feels the same about me, and I should be understanding where she has been feeling. I guess I get so very angry at God about the craziness in the World, that there is so much pain suffering, that I want to do something about it. I know I should remember Lewis' lessons from the Screw tape Letters and remember that there are things that I can't do a damn thing about, that he tries to get me worried about things that I can't control, but there are things that I could do something about if....I have to remember also Alma's story about wanting to preach the Gospel to the world, but having to resign himself to the few things in front of me. I guess I need to remember my own sins before God and that I shouldn't worry about the wicked and evil people here in the world ( ie this crap that has been going on in "God's name, even yesterday") So often I feel like if only God cared he would do something about it. At the same time I remember that had God "done something" when I was hurting and breaking the heart of my wife, even now as I am breaking her heart I am in no position to demand fire out of Heaven like Jonah, what I mean is i need mercy, that is not to give a free hand to the crap that I referenced earlier, but it is to remind myself that I have been given rope to hang myself or time to repent, and even now I am working on the repenting thing, I want to give that to others, for no other reason than... I need the time and mercy in my life even though I still think it is not right the stuff I mentioned earlier is being done in God's name. Please excuse my musings, my venting. I am struggling with my relationship with God right now, i am probably still drunk from my last slip, it just breaks my heart to see the suffering and stuff. I have allowed myself to vent again. I need to change my habits.


okay now I get it...    
"A little bit of an update. I don't mean to get political or anything like that so I do my best. I have been listening to a book about the group who claimed responsiblity for those attacks in Europe. I was really frustrated think what in the H2ll is going on here, why are these things allowed to go on. What came to me, the clarity that came to me this morning was the fact that those folks ... are acting out the plan of Satan. They want everyone to "do what they do" to o be under thei control, just as Satan wanted to control and own my very soul. I realize now the very basic this whole thing is about. It angers me greatly that the Evil one has such control over peoples hearts, my own mostly. I should be grateful for the Atonement, that at the very corpse of all these issues have been broken my my Savior, that without his suffering on my behalf I would be in Satan's control. At the very corpse I want to control others, tell them what to do, to do what is right.... just like those misguided souls I was complaining about earlier. What I have realized just now is how very deep that desire for revenge justice, in my mind all for the sake of peace and security. That even now as we see "changes" in Church response to the current issues and I want to "hold on to the security and peace that I know" causes me great confusion and anxiety. I guess I'm concerned about my soul and my situation with God and need to work on what I can control"
posted at 14:19:18 on November 15, 2015 by sjanderson1
Changing Habits    
"To change your habits, you've got to first start with changing your thoughts. If you don't control your thoughts you will NEVER overcome this problem. It all starts with what you put in your mind and whether or not you dwell on inappropriate thoughts. You can't dwell on those thoughts for even one second. You've got to stomp on them immediately and ruthlessly.

Right now, your addiction is more important to you. Unless you change that, you won't change your habits. I realise that consciously you don't want this addiction; no addict who wants to change does, but, unfortunately, deep inside, the images and thoughts are enjoyable. They tantilise you and give you a lift from the frustrations of the world. Once you finally hit rock bottom and realise just how much you are losing, you'll change.

I know since this is what happened to me and I finally let the Saviour take away my addiction."
posted at 23:33:32 on November 27, 2015 by Anonymous

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"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988