When do I get an answer?
By tamara0000
10/29/2015 1:17:01 AM
So it's been a year since my husband was excommunicated due to his addiction and acting out. He continues to not be completely on board with recovery work and repeats a cycle where he falls out of doing the work after 2 weeks. I keep praying to know what to do and I'm not getting any answers. I know many people in my support groups that didn't fully get the answer to stay or go but instead had to be Ok with the choice they made...I can't do that. I know my husband broke his covenants but I am not ok with breaking my half unless I have a direct answer. I feel like I have failed my children and like humpty dumpty will never be put back together. How do I know what the right choice is? When can I be Ok to walk away and start living a life that has happiness in it? Am I crazy for wanting these things? Is it unrealistic when you are married to an addict to expect 100% commitment to the recovery plan? Am I just being too controlling?


"You posted this on the public side, so you're going to get the thoughts of a sinner who keeps trying. I do not know the answer to most of your challenging questions. I feel for you. Bless you! Here are my immediate thoughts, for whatever they're worth to you:

"When can I be Ok to walk away and start living a life that has happiness in it?" Happiness is a choice you make, regardless of external circumstances. If you are not choosing happiness right now, in the circumstances you are in, I'm not convinced you'll choose happiness if you "walk away" from current challenges. You'll probably find another reason not to be happy. We all have patterns in our life that only we can change, and it usually doesn't involve changing the world around us (though we like to think it does, because changing other people and things sounds WAY easier than changing ourselves). Actually becoming happy involves changing the thoughts inside us. You may need to decide that you are already happy. What parts of your current life could make you decide and believe that you are already happy?

Speaking of patterns we all have... Your husband has one that only he can change, too. You can't change it. Is it time to leave someone if he can't stick to his recovery plan? If I were with you trying to make that decision, I would ask what you mean by he "falls out of doing the work"? How long does it take for him to return to doing the work? Does it appear he has given up on himself and he's not trying, or does it appear that he's stuck, despite his best efforts? And the big question for all recovery: is he honest with you when he fails, or is he hiding it and you discover it later? When you discover it, does he deny it or admit? Are you able to judge him not by where he is but where he's going? He may be in hell, but is the path he's on headed out, albeit slowly, or headed deeper?

Have you read, studied, and prayed about Elder Oaks' article on addiction in the October Ensign? It's worth multiple reads. "
posted at 12:33:44 on October 29, 2015 by beclean
PS your question    
"Your title question was, "when do I get an answer?"

Of course, you probably know that the Lord doesn't give answers, except in extreme circumstances, until after we have determined the answer for ourselves. Then, he either confirms or rejects our answer. Silence is confirmation... At least it's a witness that we can move forward in faith with what we decided until told otherwise.

So, what have you already decided? If you haven't made your own decision, you will not get an answer.

It sounds like from your post that you have decided you can't leave without a direct commandment from God to leave. He's unlikely to give you that commandment for several reasons. So, that must mean you've decided to stay and make things work. Present that answer to God, faithfully committing yourself to do it, and ask him if it's right. As long as you don't receive a, "no," then you have your answer.

But if my logical deduction that you have, yourself, decided to stay doesn't feel right to you, fine. You must have decided to go. Present THAT to God, faithfully committing to act, and see what he says. But don't be halfhearted about your decision. Decide. Ask. Act on your decision and the answer you receive.

D&C 9:7-9: Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong;"
posted at 12:50:34 on October 29, 2015 by beclean
No one else can say    
"No one can tell you if it's right or wrong to end things but the Lord. All we can do is offer advice/perspective. So that's what I'm going to do.
First, I agree with Be Clean that the biggest question is which direction is your husband moving in? Is he open and honest or secretive and lying?
My husband has been clean for some time now, but the challenging thing for those with addictions is that it's not just about being clean from p&m, it's steering clear of anything 'like unto it' too. A few months ago I noticed that every two weeks, SOMETHING would happen, which to me came under the definition of a slip (not a relapse). It concerned me, and I brought it up with my husband. He hadn't realised that there was a pattern to the behavior, and so it was an opportunity for us to talk openly and make sure we were on the same page about things like that.
Talk to your husband. Decide on what you need your boundaries to be (remember they need to be things that keep you safe, not ways to control him), communicate them clearly to him and then stick to them. Whatever you do, do it with prayer and make sure you can keep to any consequences you decide on. E.g. IF you feel like you should temporarily separate if the behaviour continues (I'm not suggesting you should, just using it as an example), be sure that you would be able to follow through with it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you."
posted at 13:33:07 on October 29, 2015 by Anonymous
My comments    
Here is my opinion... for what it is worth it. i was in a marriage therapy session the other day. our facilitor pointed out that you could look at marriage as a calling, that in sucb a situation as a marriage you could go to God and ask him or tell him it is time for you to be realesed. Now this was being spoken to a group of guys who have a large part of the pain in the reliathionship and I don't mean to give you empty advice. or ,make things more dificult. For myself I am struglling feeling like I need an answer, in fact a lot of answers about what to do and where to go in my life, but it seems at times liek things are not coming in the time that I need. For me I am struggling a lot with fear of the future, how will things work out, how can I find a job that provides enough for my famiilly, will the Lord. I share that becuase I don't know how you feel or what you are dealing with, but from you describe sounds similiar to what I struggling with. I pray that you can get an answer to your search. Hang in there"
posted at 15:00:23 on November 1, 2015 by sjanderson1
Direction and motion    
"I don't know when you'll get the answer that you can recognize or what it'll be, but my very simple suggestion is to prepare to leave if you feel like you are trapped in a life of unhappiness. There are things that you will need to do to be able to end a marriage. figure out what those things are and get yourself mentally and physically in a place of strength. This is not my normal commentary for this site as anyone who has read me before will attest, but I think there is a chance that you are caught in a hopeless cycle of thinking, thinking, thinking... and its all negative thinking. Start doing! See what happens when you put motion in your life. Maybe when you have found a great place to live with you and your kids, a great lawyer, or whatever things you may need... then you'll realize you don't want to leave... Or maybe you'll feel the peace of knowing that you are walking in the right direction. Whatever you do, just find a way to empower yourself."
posted at 12:55:03 on November 5, 2015 by maddy

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"Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs, or the pernicious contemporary plague of ography? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma's testimony is my testimony: "I do know," he says, "that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions."

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006