what is wrong with me?
By sjanderson1
10/24/2015 12:38:01 AM
I just got off the phone with my wife who just let me have it about renting a room at our house. She wants to sell our house and "move on". I guess I am wrong because I "don't have a good countenance as she says and so people aren't willig to hire me a give me a good job. I thought I had changed my life, being of service not worrying about money etc and finances and yet she rubs my face in it saying I am worshipping money more than God. i guess I just have to throw up my hands andsay well I don't know how things are going to work out I'll let God takecare of it... I don't mean to sound bitter or angry I guess I am just confused. i thought I have been sober, but yet she gets in my face and tells me that I am not sober. I can see what she means about not being at peace, and I don't have an excuse for this, but I don't know how to change my attitudes. I don't know how I am supposed to provide for a family and not be worried.

People tell me I need to cling to her and no one else, yet she is so prickly and angry that I can't seem to stand to talk to her, not out of anger anymore but more out of fear of her of what she will say and do. Id on't seem to be able to make good choicse either according to myself or by her. What seems to me is that I am supposed to reading my scriptures all the time, praying and other churchy things. I have been doing my home teaching, I am serving as much as I can, yet she doesn't know about this and she judges me from 250 miles away telling me that I am " not sober not trying" This doesn't express my fear and anxiety about life about "what I am supposed to be"

I don't know what sobriety is supposed to look like, I haven't looked at p@rn in nearly 9 months and haven't had m problem in four months, YET according to her I am not good enough. I know I am dumping on you, I know I am supposed to be STROnG and be more positive


Who cares?    
"SJ, you and I need to learn not to care what our wives think about us. What they think is their decision and their problem, not ours. We can't change what they think; only they can.

Of course, it matters even less (if that's possible) what our parents, friends, acquaintances, and enemies think. It's their choice. We can't change it. We don't even know it most of the time. And, frankly, we're pretty much guaranteed that other people will disapprove of us and our choices about half of the time. No point in trying to improve that statistic.

"All that matters is what God thinks...," say our leaders. Except we don't exactly know what that is. We know he loves us. We know he sacrificed his perfect Son for us. That says a lot. Beyond that, we struggle to know what God thinks, especially when other people (and Satan himself) want us to believe that God no longer loves us.

So, if it doesn't matter what our wives (or parents, or friends) think, and if we will always struggle to know what God thinks, what does matter?

What we think.

The only thoughts we can control are our own. Therefore, the only thoughts we should worry about are our own.

In the past, I always saw myself as less than the man I could be. I felt I was not the person I wanted to be or should be.

And so, I wasn't.

Deep down, I disliked myself. I saw my actions as wretched, sinful, and selfish. I saw myself as trash, as someone to dispise.

And so, I was.

And I didn't see how anyone else could possibly care for or love me. My friends, my parents, my wife, my children, and even my God would never love me if they knew the real me, I told myself as if I knew their thoughts. How could they? I didn't even love myself.

Then, after learning from the likes of Litster and Dyer, I started telling myself that I AM a wonderful person, a fantastic creation, and exactly who I want to be and I'm supposed to be, just as I am right now. I loved my imperfections and mistakes—everyone has them. I realized that because of the atonement and sacrifice of God, I AM already the person I want to be.

And so, now I am.

Ignore what everyone else in the universe thinks about you, and change your own thoughts about you. These are the only thoughts you can change.

I would say I love you, I pray for you, and I am super excited for your sobriety and progress; you are doing fantastic.

But, really—who cares what I think? You shouldn't."
posted at 16:12:49 on October 24, 2015 by beclean
Thanks I appreciat it    
"Thanks for your comments I have a lot to think about"
posted at 02:09:34 on October 26, 2015 by sjanderson1
It's about love still.    
"SJ, I know where your wife is coming from. It's simply a lack of understanding. I pray you will be able to fill your heart with love for her, then all of her criticism cannot hurt you. I'm so happy for you for how hard you are working and what you have accomplished. It's truly amazing. I hope I can say the same thing about myself in a few months."
posted at 11:57:10 on October 26, 2015 by Stonestepper
thanks so much    
"I appreicate your insight. I am trying to look at things from her perspective. it seems at times like we are speaking two different languages to each other. I hope things continue to get better.

posted at 22:17:59 on October 28, 2015 by sjanderson1
a little more information    
it seems like I am making progress, then it seems like I am sliding backward. I feel like I am changing, but then there is nothing changing in my life.. I have tried to give up video games to focus more on the things that I need to get done, but I honestly feel burned out and want to be recharged. People tell me that I should get that kick from my prayer and scripture study. Well it isn't coming right now. I don't mean to complain, or to focus on the negative, I am trying really hard to focus on the stuff that Dyer talks about how this life is transitory etc, but there just seems like there is not really a point in trying to change in life. Again I know that I am focusing on the negative and the lack in my life, I have held on after all these years to my p blessing, which talks about beign able to provide for my family. Instead of having an answer to the question so many people say well that isn't maybe meant for this world, maybe it is for the next life. it makes me want to through my hands up and say well if we are going to play games with God, about maybe it isn't meant to be... it feels to me like there isn't much point in continuing to try and change. Again I am sure I am in a spot where I am trying to negotiate with God for blessings or for thigns to work out, so shame on me. I am trying not to again focus on my lack of stuff and things, but as already mentioned after a while it seems pretty stupid to believe in a God that is supposed to be "so powerful" and true who doesn't have the time for me. Now up front I get the next thing people are probably going to say well you aren't worthy enough, sure I am not worthy enough. I have had issues with m in the last 12 months about eight times max. I haven't looked at explilcit p@rn. Now I know what you'll say is that I am justifying myself, and damn it yes I am, I am friggin tired of dead ends and things not working out. I am sick and tired of being blamed for my wife's anger and inability to handle her life. I am sick and tire of her not appreciating how much I am trying to change, I am sick and tired of trying hard to live a "good life" whatever that might mean only to be boxed in.

Now I notice as I have focused on these negative things for the last 10 minutes I have felt my emotnions go downward in a emotional collapse, and I want to change this. The major obstacle for me though is what is the difference. If life is going to nasty brutish and short if I am an addict, and if it is going to be nasty brutish and short if I am a disciple of Christ what is the difference. I know not having to look over my shoulder is something big and that is nice sentiment, but frankly it seems a little hollow right now that I am trying to provide for my family and communicate with my wife and all the garbage of life.

I didn't do what I set out to, instead I focused downward and invited in negative feelings and I need to change that .... but to ask those really really hard questions of WHERE is God and then with a silent response doesn't give me a lot of hope. Too often people will tell me that oh you are angry and so God can't communicate with you when you are mad, oh you are this or you are that, there is always a "reason" I am wrong or not worthy or of value, to this end it then seems that people tell me how I am supposed to feel and behave, when I try to follow their suggestions, or even when I try to strike out on my own "my anger gets in the way"which for me seems to be a cope out to make excuses for God's power and ability."
posted at 23:03:46 on November 9, 2015 by sjanderson1
Nailed it    
"I think you have it covered when you say that focusing on the negative has led you into a downward spiral. I've been there. I'm the wife of a wonderful man, who has an addiction. Whenever I start to spiral he stops me and asks me who it is that's feeding such thoughts. And as annoying as it is in the moment, he's right to ask, because the answer is always Satan. Heavenly Father doesn't want me to feel such negativity, and if I get off my backside and DO something; pray, study my scriptures, read a conference talk, serve someone, He will help to lift the negative emotions I am feeling. But I need to do my part.
Anderson, I don't know all your story. I'm sure it's difficult for you. I know I struggle when God seems silent on things and I'm left to accept them/to move forward in faith until He sees fit to answer me. Like when I asked Him why He didn't bless me with the discernment I asked for about whether my fiancé/husband was fully sober. Or when I asked Him if the baby I lost at 5 weeks would one day be ours again.
You know what? I still don't have the answers to those questions. But does that mean He doesn't love me? No. Does it mean I get upset/angry at the silence? Sometimes. But I also know that He loves me, and if He is silent, He has His reasons. Maybe I'm not yet ready to hear the answer. Or maybe I don't need it as much as I think I do. Who knows. I certainly don't.
I know you try not to, but I hear a lot of blame directed to your wife in your posts. Do you know what PTSD is? And how women with addicted spouses can suffer from a form of it, known as Betrayal Trauma? Have you considered things from her perspective, truly putting yourself in her shoes?
Might I suggest you search for the lds addiction recovery blog page, & have a look at a blog 'A Battle Worth Winning'. It is a series of posts with links to ones clearly separated by both the husband and wife. I recommend the husband's 'Dear Addi' series of posts in particular."
posted at 00:25:35 on November 10, 2015 by Anonymous
Thank you for your comments    
I appreciate your comments on looking at things from my wife's perspective. I am trying truly trying to look at it from her perspective. I don't want to make any excuses for my behavior, what is difficult is that I don't know what is right. What I mean is she has been very adiment about not immunizing the kids, eating organic etc. I haven't minded these things, I have tried to trust her and frankly prayed for ways to provide for her and the kids, especially since she feels that these are partifularly important things for her and the kids. That is honestly when I begin to wanting to scream at God and say wait a minute if this is so dang important for her... why is it so difficult to make things happen. As I mentioned about the counseling I am trying to find a way to pay for counseling because I see that it is important for me, that it can help me change, BUT I can't seem to get things to fit in all the boxes. Again I feel like I am striking back at what you posted, please accept my humbly apologizes. I truly appreciate your assistance in looking inside myself. I guess I need to be "more patient" which seems to be kind of hollow. Again I am wallowing in self pity, there is no excuse...I guess I just pray for the strength to keep going, just one more day."
posted at 23:19:38 on November 10, 2015 by sjanderson1
I wanted to respond...    
"My dear friend SJ,

I read your latest two posts, and many thoughts came to my mind. I am frustrated with those people who would tell you that your current problems exist because you're not worthy, or that God doesn't talk to you because you're angry, or that scripture study should serve the same outlet for you as video games. Those things aren't true, and I would never say them to you.

You need to stop saying them to yourself.

And I was going to say a lot more in response, but then I realized I already said everything I was going to say. Please read what I wrote.

God loves you exactly as you are, I promise. YOU need to start loving yourself as you are; loving everything about yourself. This is the only you that you have. For some reason, you showed up on this planet at this time the way you are. It isn't the real you—you are an eternal being of light and truth and love and intelligence and spirit—but it's who you showed up as. Love it. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Stop criticizing and belittling yourself. We all do it. You're not bad because you do it, but start to notice when you do, and start talking nicely to yourself and believing good things about yourself.

You are a very good man, with good desires. You are a child of God with infinite worth.

But until you see that, you won't allow anyone else to believe it, and you will keep doing things to sabotage yourself and make others believe you are the dark person you think you are.

I don't believe it. You are light."
posted at 07:35:00 on November 12, 2015 by beclean

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"One of the false notions of our society is that we are victims of our appetites and passions. But the truth is that the body is controlled by the spirit which inhabits it."

— Terrance D. Olson

“Teaching Morality to Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1981