By Humbled32
9/10/2015 5:08:44 AM
I feel so frustrated with my life! I'm sooooo damaged and I don't feel like I'm healing. There has been so many times I've felt the lord lifting me and carrying my burdens but I feel so alone! My heart aches. I feel like I've been through years of experience and that I've learned things to help me. But my emotions are on fire. I'm so hurt. My PTSD is rampid. Everything feels so painful! It's like I'm reliving everything over and over and I just need it to stop. I'm tired of pain.... I'm tired of dates, names, songs, seasons, words bringing back and reminding me of my awful experiences! I'm tired of failing every day to be a friend to my husband. I'm tired. I didn't ask for these problems. As a matter of fact I hate them!!!! I hate addiction. I hate how it's ruined me!!! I hate how it makes people lie and abuse!!!! I hate how it ruins families!!!! I hate how I can't even anywhere without my triggers flairing!!!! I can't even go to church without thinking my husband is looking at someone. I can't turn the tv on or stand to be around the stupid magazines at the grocery store. I hate going in public with my husband. We can't enjoy family outings!!!! I hate feeling this..... I want a normal life!!!! I'm sick of being messed up in my mind from my husbands problems. I'm sick of being in pain! I'm sick of reminders. I'm sick of checking the mail and finding ads! I hate this.... I hate that I'm no longer normal!!! I hate that my husband doesn't understand what this has done to me!!!! I hate he ignores me when I cry!!! I'm sick of this sickness. Why isn't this working???? Why do I continue to ask for help and fail every day STILL! Why do I ask the savior to heal me and it's not working?!??? I'm confused!!!! I'm confused I'm crying out to God for help and I continue to struggle!!!!! It so much!!!! It's too much! I need relief! I'm failing at life.


I'm so sorry    
"Dear Humbled,
I don't have much more to say besides I'm so sorry for your pain and disappointment. I just wanted to be sure that you know that you are not alone. I have no idea of what's in store or what lies ahead. I just hope that you can find relief soon. Prayers are being offered on your behalf. I hope you will feel comfort and strength coming your way."
posted at 06:56:26 on September 10, 2015 by Wishful1
I am so sad to hear your pain    
"As the husband in the situation, the cause of the PTSD and pain for my wife to hear of your anguish breaks my heart. I am so sad that you are struggling. I remember so well ignoring the cries of my wife, for that I am so very sorry to my wife and my heart also breaks that you are experiencing these painful experiences right now. i appreicate you sharing your pain because it reminds me of the pain that I have caused for my wife, I imagine it doesn't help you rigth now, but it helps me understand the pain that I have cause my wife. I amtrying to make restituation right now with her. It took a long time for me to come to myself. My wife and I have been apart for 13 months going now. We are facing some serious financial problmes one of which is the fac tthat I might be out of a job at the end of the month. I have caused my wife a lot of pain, what you describe. I don't know if it is appropriate or not, but would you please forgive me as and addict for the pain that we cause you. I know I am not your husband that we have never met and probably will never meet but i am sad that I participated in the addiction that fuels your pain. I am also sad and want ot applogize for the pain that you husband is causing you. I am sad that husbands are being unkind to their wives and that I participated in that process. Woudl you forgive me for contributing to this process? I imgaine that this is not the way things are done, but I am so very sad that you are in any pain.

I don't know what to say to you about the things not working. I am in a situation right now where I am feeling like I am drowning financiallly and with the job ending at the end of the month and three kids to support and a wife I am scared. i thought that my life was supposed to be normal as well. I don't mean to make it about me, I guess what I am trying to say is. I don't understand the feeligns you are having right now, but I do understand maybe the feelign of frustration with things not being the way they are supposed to be and not understanding if this process is working. I am approaching 90 days of sobriety, and yet at times I am not sure that things are any better. only when I look at where I am compared to where I was do i appreciate that I do have some perspective.

Again I am sad to hear you pain. I wish I could give you support and let you know that you are not alone. I hope you have a good day."
posted at 10:33:19 on September 10, 2015 by sjanderson1
You're not alone    
"Humbled, I want to echo Wishful above. You are not alone in this!
For the most part I feel like I'm doing a lot better than I used to. But I still have days/moments when I just fall apart. I sit and cry and have no idea how to pick myself back up again except to just do it. And my husband is doing well in his recovery and very supportive of me in mine. I don't know how I would cope if he wasn't able to accept my need for healing and my PTSD.
I'm tired of PTSD - I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of noticing things I never used to notice, and I need a healthier way to deal with things, because lately I either cry or I get angry to protect myself because I'm fed up with crying! I also try to turn it over to the Lord which does help. But the emotions sometimes seem to need to run their course. I do find that studying the manuals (especially the spouse one that's available through this site) really helps me, and I notice a difference when I'm working them. I know that Heavenly Father is making me stronger through this trial. While I wouldn't have chosen it, I'm grateful to know that He can use it to bless me to grow spiritually.
Have you considered counselling? I'm hoping it will help be to find healthy ways of dealing with my PTSD.
I'm praying for you."
posted at 14:16:12 on September 10, 2015 by annonymous62
My story    
"Oh Humbled, my heart hurts for you. I wish I had more to give you other than empathy. I will offer up prayers in your behalf. And from where ever we are in the world my thoughts will reach out to you and I will light a candle and let it burn for you today.

I remember feeling the things you wrote about too. I hurt so bad that sometimes I even thought I would rather have been dead than carry the pain and hopelessness anymore. Reading what you wrote takes me back and I have so much compassion for not just you but for all of us who walk through this fire and brimstone called addiction.

Humbled, I only know my story and can only offer my experience that healing does happen. It is real and it is complete. I can say with complete honesty that the pain I felt in the darkest times is worth the light and happiness I have today. Sometimes I think I may have forgotten many of the details of my husbands addictions because I remember the feelings but much of it seems wiped away. Miracles happen. But there is always a dark before a dawn and I struggled for 13 years on my own, and then had a couple years of tug of war with Christ, before I finally let Him start working recovery into my life.

I believe in recovery. I believe in it for you and for me. I know that God's promises are absolute. He doesn't always change our circumstances, but He does change us. He may never take away our husbands addictions and He certainly wont force them to be good, but if we let Him, He can make us mighty. Like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, we can stand in the furnace and not only will it not hurt us, but angels, even Christ Himself will stand with us there. I don't know why the price is so high to see Him, but it is.

For me, I had to learn my life was not about my husband's sex addictions. It wasn't about my marriage. It wasn't any of the priorities that I had. I wanted honesty, fidelity and a family!!!! I wanted all of those good things...and God said, "No". He asked me to lay them willingly on the alter of sacrifice and to stop looking at them and craving them. I didn't think I could do that because I knew those were such righteous goals. But in the end, what He wants from all of us is, well, everything. And when we give it to Him, then He gives it back beyond our wildest imaginings. It was not the picture I had painted that I really needed. God knew what I really needed and He had to wait for me to let go of my past life before He could fill my hands with truth. Happiness is on the other side of submission.

Everything was about accepting Christ as my Savior and putting an eye single to Him. My husband's actions became so insignificant in that light that what he did stopped mattering. And when I was free from emotional attachment to my husband's choices I started to love my husband for the first time. God taught me how to be my husbands friend when he was acting out and in the throws of addiction. He taught me to love without ties to behavior or conditions. My husband didn't need to be sober for me to love him. He didn't need to be good. He didn't even need to be faithful for me to be happy and hopeful and free. Because my happiness had nothing to do with my husband anymore. But the great paradox from all of it was that the more I let my husband go and detached from him, the more we loved each other. We became closer and closer and our marriage grew into something amazing. It seemed so contradictory but we found each other when we stopped looking for each other.

Humbled, I am grateful for your honesty in this post and for writing what you wrote. I am glad you found this site. I needed to bear my testimony of these things today because I had started to forget them. In writing my journey down, I feel renewed to go back to my foundations and the tools that helped me in the very beginning. Letting go is a life long process and it is one I need to get back to. You reminded me of that today. Thank you for sharing your heart. I know it is broken right now but it precious beyond measure. Please know that you are loved by brothers and sisters that you have never met, but we still walk side by side. You are in my prayers. "
posted at 16:29:59 on September 10, 2015 by Maddy
Even now there is hope    
"Hello Humbled. You have been given a great deal of advice above. Mine echoes so much of it. As I read your post it took me right back to the PTSD from the beginning. It is hard! No doubt! I completely relate to what you described as everything being a reminder. That is just what I said to my husband, because for me he was part of my everything.

I have chosen to not remain anonymous and at the suggestion of a friend I have started a blog where I have my story and my best resources. I will put the link at the end of this post if you feel like it is something that you would like to visit.

Right now, right at this moment of my journey I am able to feel love, hope and joy. But that has not been nor will it always the case. I describe it to my husband as "being pushed back into the pit that I have to find my way out of myself". Whether it is triggers, fear, behavior or relapse...I tend to end up at the bottom of that pit more often than I would like. At the time that hope seems out of reach, it can come in ways that we don't expect it.

The ARP group that I attend is on Step 10 - Lift Up The Hands Which Hang Down. So, what about when it is MY HANDS that hang down? Then what?

After thinking about this for a while I realized that I won't know until I try. There is something miraculous that happens when we reach out to help someone....we raise our hands! We lift up our arms to help and bless and serve! We can’t help someone else with our hands at our sides, so in the process of lifting another, we are lifting our hands which hang down. What a smart guy our Savior is! He has all of these “built in miracles” and “built in blessings” that we don’t even see coming. I sure love Him.

I was impacted by General Women's Conference with the teaching of "serving with love and compassion". I serve. I have most of my life, but doing it with love and compassion is different. I have served with "I can't wait to hear how much they love this", and "I can't wait to get this done" and "Well, nobody else is going to do it". But when I do something as a gift with no string attached, no thanks expected, no judging the situation, just helping, I experience more of those "built in miracles". I am still learning.

They are there. There is hope. Even on the hardest days, anger, hate, pain, hurt, bitterness, doubt, fear...there is hope because our hope is not in our spouse, it is in Christ. My counselor pointed out that I was putting too much faith in my husband and not enough in Christ. I thought that sounded weird. Shouldn't I have faith in my husband? Well, not faith to heal me. My healing, my hope, my faith is in Christ.

You aren't alone. There are so many of us on this healing path. Sending love."
posted at 01:35:00 on October 26, 2015 by 1stepatatime

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"Brothers and sisters, let's sell that summer cottage in Babylon. Let us be not "almost" but "altogether" Latter-day Saints. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006