i am failing
By sjanderson1
9/2/2015 2:12:01 AM
Here is some of an update on my siatuation. I just got a text from my wife telling me that I am the one that has to come up with 1000 a month to help offset out financial situation. I am frustrated because she was the one with made a bunch of obligations financially that we couldn't make. i am really tempted to act out and throug out my 81 day of sobriety. i don't know what to do.I know I should make aphone call, but I dont wnat to share my burden with others, i have been toldthat I need to work things out with my wife, that talkng with other people is not helpful to our situation which is probably true, but when she drops these things on me like this I just wnat to cut out of life. For example she insisted that i go see a therapist on Monday even though we didn't have the money to pay him. I don't know what to do. I have been told that i have a "scarcity mentality, that if I just am more grateful for whatever. What is frustrating is that my mother in law said when we split up that she woudl insist that my wife get a job to help offset the bills, well as usal I was betrayed by one more person in life. I have applied for part timework to try and offset the bills, i have looked for renters


Two thoughts    
"I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. Please hang in there.

Two thoughts come to mind.

1. Are you able to attend the temple (e.g. you have a temple nearby, worthiness is worked out with bishop, etc)? I find the peace of the temple to be a refuge from the crap that goes on around us. It sounds like you could use a refuge.

2. Are you able to get some financial assitance from the church (assuming you've exhausted other sources first)? Does your bishop and RS president understand exactly where you are at, and how much this is impacting the well being and spirituality of you and your family?"
posted at 05:25:38 on September 2, 2015 by Anonymous
thank you for your commnets    
"To answer your question our temple is currently under maintence for the next month. Fortunately it is going to be back up and running in October, but until then. Maybe I need to go to the temple grounds. I do have my Temple Recommend, I am worthy to go to the Temple and it has been a source of strength for me.

On the second point my inlaws and parents have both been helping for a long long time. I am very grateful for their assistance, I can't express how much I owe them all. I am truly humbled by their generosity.

A little more about the situation, not to defend myself or anything like that, but we just have too many bills, not enough money. I have been not involved in the finances because it has been too much for me to deal with, My wife has insisted that we move into a house etc. I should have stood the line against her, or proposed something different or whatever. So I know it is not her fault completely I have responsibility in this situation.

I am worried about getting renters in to the house because I am afraid that I won't make good choices. I have been on my own in the house we bought five years ago, for nearly 13 months. My mother in law and my parents have both patiently helped as they can. I guess I just need to put the add out there and do all that I can give over to God.

As the song goes, I need a miracle. I am grateful for what the Lord has given me: here are some things a job, safety, a wheelchair to help me get around friends who love me and support me, a chance to serve in the Priesthood, three beautiful daughters a wife who is trying to love me. I really need a miracle, or if that is not in the cards I need the strength to hang on for one more day. Thanks for listening and sharing your support. Most of all thank you Jesus for your atonement on my behaf that gives me hope."
posted at 13:35:02 on September 2, 2015 by sjanderson1
Extra money    
"A thousand a month might sound big, but it's not. You can make about $500-$800 on your days off by pulling weeds and trimming hedges.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Is divorce out of the question. Life is too short to be miserable."
posted at 16:00:03 on September 2, 2015 by ETTE
not to pile on - but    
"Not to pile on, but just found out that at the end of September they will be letting me go....from my current job. that is a major blow. I have tried to find more skills, better employment etc, but I can't seem to figure it out (I was going to say I am just stupid, but I don't want to beat myself up). It seems as though the world is piling up on me. My wife wants to sell the house now and find a house up near them, which is okay but I don't really want to. I don't mean to bellyache I have a lot to be grateful for really, I am just not seeing it right now. I am really tempted to just divorce my wife leave my kids and throw it all out the window. I am not seriously considering violating my bottom line, but I am so hurt and angry. All I have done is tried to do what is right, read my scriptures, go to church be a home teacher etc and where am I, still struggling to make ends meet. My wife tells me it is because I have a scarcity mentalilty, yes I guess I do. I also don't have much reason to trust. The only thing that is keeping me going right now are my girls and even then it is very tempting to just want to end my life."
posted at 18:32:12 on September 2, 2015 by sjanderson1
So sorry    
"Sjanderson. I I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now. Even though it may sound like hollow words I hope they can at least find some resonance with you. God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers as I have read on this site for thelast couple years, I have been impressed by your progress and the love you have for the Lord. I bear testimony that our god is the god who weeps. He is there emotionally for us and has a heart that beats in concert with ours. The deep beauty of his sorrow may help just a little in making the situation less bitter. I hope this finds you well.
love your brother in Christ"
posted at 07:00:53 on September 4, 2015 by Intothewest
a bit of an update    
"Here is what is going on in my life right now. I was making good progress with my recovery sponsor and then I chose to not do my step work two mornings and he let me go. It is hard to swallow because I have all of this stuff going on in my life, beside the fact I am not a morning person to begin with. Anyway that is the negative, but the psotive is I went to visit my kids this weeked and my wife andI didn't argue so I left with a positive feeling. What is hard though is the fact that I am not providing enough money for our family so my wife's parents have stepped in to help out. I am grateful for that, but it is extremelly embarrassing and frustratingbecause I wantto be able to provide better. I am told that "when I get my head straight" things will start working out for me, that the folks I see at church who are "scucessful finacncly" are often the folks who are"right with God". now this is coming rom my wife who is trying to help me and I appreciate it, and in fact I know or believe that we all have challenges that what I see as better or more peaceful than me is in fact a challenge to begin with. I am trying really hard right now to "be positive, or look on the bright side or be resilintor whatever the right word is, but it is so very very hard. I am wondering if there is something wrong with me, really wrong with me that it is so very hard to be positive and not get angry. I am going to a pscyhiatrist tomorrow for an evaluation. i am also hoping for a diagnosis of bipolar disorder or something like that so that I would know or that would make this craziness in my head to make sense. I would appreciate being able to understand my challenges in a better way. It feels like my head is full and ready to explode with all the worry. I am sorry for descending into negative complaining I wish God could take away this problem / problems from me. I guess I need to be grateful for what I have in my life."
posted at 10:16:37 on September 14, 2015 by sjanderson1
I'm praying for you    
"Hang in there. It can be hard to be positive when there is so much stress going on, but I hope you are able to at least know that God is mindful of your situation, even if you don't understand why the suck factor is so high.

I'm praying for you, and I actually put your name on the prayer roll at the temple when I was there last week."
posted at 04:34:49 on September 15, 2015 by Anonymous
one more punch to the gut    
"I am sorry to sound like a broken record about how hard things are, but I took another punch to the gut today. My wife last week told me to take over paying the bills which I was okay with doing, but then she cam back and is continuing to spend. I don't begrudge her the spending, it was for doctor's visit and medicine it is just that we don't have the money. she won't get a job, want's to be home with the kids which I support, but she expects me to bring in a certain income. Anyway I am just realling because I am going to be out of job in 9 days. I was praying today for God's mercy for an answer and nothing has happened. I don't mean to sound ignorant or bitter or anything like that. In fact I don't care anymore. I am seriously thinking about ending it all. That is not meant to be manipulative or mean spirited, but just there is NO Hope, and reallyl no reason for hope. I can't get out of my own way. My wife is so upset with my p@rn addiction, while other people who have acted out with prostitutes are getting back together as a family etc. I don't mean nor want not compare myself with others, because I know we all have different roads to walk in life. that is something I understand better with recovery, but I am looking at 90+ days of sobriety and just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am told that I have a negative attitude and that if I get a positive more grateful attitude God will or can bless me. I am okay with that, I don't argue with it, In fact I would love it to be the truth. I am incapable of a positive thought or outlook in my life. I want God to be real, I want to believe, but I just don't have anything left. Again I don't mean to manipulate or anything like that, but there is just no reason to hope, that is my life doesn't matter and what I feel doesn't matter. Again I apologize for ranting, I don't mean to be a negative person, I want to believe, there is just nothing for me to believe in. God has left. I know it would be better said that I left God and yes I did, but the distance between us is just too much"
posted at 17:45:25 on September 21, 2015 by sjanderson1
Just a thought    
"Sjanderson, I feel for you, I really do. It sounds like you are in a tough position and really struggling in many ways right now. I just have a question...why are you still with her? And why is she still with you? I'm not asking this to be mean or harsh, but maybe if you're both able to sit down and talk about why you still want to be together, you'll be able to start working as more of a team to keep your relationship intact. There must be reasons why you're both trying to make things work."
posted at 22:56:28 on September 21, 2015 by Anonymous
Have you explored these books?    
"I'm going to invite you to get the audio books for "the Science of Getting Rich" (Wallace Waddles) and "Think and Grow Rich" (Napoleon Hill). Also, watch as many YouTube videos with Wayne Dyer as you can. If I remember right, you are a fan of Tony Litster's Cure The Craving program. Tony is a fan of all the people I just mentioned. Did you record the affirmations Tony instructed you to record? Are you still listening to them morning and night?"
posted at 15:58:56 on September 23, 2015 by beclean
thanks I enjoyed think and grow rich    
"Beclean I appreciate your comment on the Think and grow rich I have enjoyed Napoleon hill's stuff. My friend has suggested that I work on surrounding myself with positive people and things. She suggested that Napoleon Hill would be a good source of positive vibes in addition to the scriptures and Word of God. I don't have the affirmations I think that will help. I am struggling with depression. I was able to get my medicine adjusted last week and hoping that things will begin to look up. I will check out Wayne Dyer's videos today. Thanks so much for your support. your putting me on to Tony really helped last year get started on understanding addiction and life changing processes. Thanks so much"
posted at 18:41:46 on September 23, 2015 by sjanderson1
I've spent the last two days with Tony    
"I hired Tony to coach me on some business ventures. Something he said in the car yesterday was interesting. He said, "When pornography's and alcohol start to speak to me again, I don't think of myself as a bad person, I simply take it as a sign that I need to take a break and reevaluate. I'm out of balance. I usually just need to focus on my eating habits, my sleep and meditation habits, my exercise, etc." Anyway, I'm praying for you SJ. Keep working on that medication, and do the affirmations, they totally, totally helped me."
posted at 23:00:32 on September 23, 2015 by beclean
Thank you! hope you are well    
"Thanks so much Beclean. I appreciate your love and support. I am putting my foot one in front of the other with the Lord's help. The Lord is truly Great!"
posted at 16:48:25 on September 24, 2015 by sjanderson1
a little more about life    
"Okay here is another update... no change looks like job is gone come Wednesday. What is debilitating is the fact that I wish my wife were here with me. I almost feel forget by her and by life. I have to be careful because by allowing myself to dwell in this negative dark place I will fall in and be destroyed. I want to succeed. I feel so underemployed over the last twelve years. I should be grateful for what God has given me, but I am scared and I need help and hope."
posted at 19:12:04 on September 28, 2015 by sjanderson1
Thanks for the update    
"Thanks for the update. I've been thinking about you and praying for you. I'm sorry this is happening to you, and wish there was more I could do. At least know that you have virtual friends cheering for you."
posted at 04:56:54 on September 29, 2015 by Anonymous
Not destroyed    
"God, who holds billions of galaxies (think on that) in his power, is YOUR Father. He loves you infinitely.

Everything is worth what someone will pay for it. God would give (pay) his only favorite son for you. That is the infinite price. And it's what you're worth.

God's work and glory is to bring to pass YOUR immortality and eternal life. It is his purpose to provide for you (D&C 104:79). He will not fail in his work nor fail to provide for you, so long as you don't fight him and tell him not to (you have your agency to receive).

Who would tell God NOT to save or provide? Most of us do from time to time. We think, "I'm not worthy of salvation. I'm worthy of damnation. I deserve destruction. I am worthless. I'm not worthy of a good life. I deserve ruin and poverty." Those are all LIES from the Father of Lies.

God loves you and accepts you. Let him provide for you. Ask him to do it, and truly begin to believe he will. Even if you can no more than desire to believe that he will, let that desire work in you.

Did you watch Wayne Dyer?"
posted at 08:53:43 on September 29, 2015 by beclean
yes I did watch Dyer    
"Thanks Beclean I have watched Dyer and it is helping a lot. I am in an emotional roller coaster right now. I imagine it is my fault that I am not feeling better, I am trying so very hard to have a confident peaceful attitude. in fact a few times I have felt as thought things were going to be okay, but then I panic and see the waves washing over me and I am afraid I am doing something wrong. thanks for your encouragement. I hope you are well. I had an experience Saturday night where someone was sent to be with me at a very low point in my life, so I want to believe in God; I want to give him a chance to be a miracle in my life, but I keep getting in the way. Thanks again so much for your support"
posted at 12:03:48 on September 29, 2015 by sjanderson1
The waves    
"You said, "but then I panic and see the waves washing over me and I am afraid I am doing something wrong."

I think that's interesting imagery to panic about. My wife has had five children, all naturally. Her trick has been to imagine that each contraction is a wave washing over her... And she knows it will pass.

When I meditate, my favorite thing is to focus on my breathing, visualizing the in and out of the breath as a wave washing in and out. To me, my breathing and the sound of waves both signify (and sound like) Yahweh, creator of the universe.

So, the imagery you have chosen to express your fear is precisely the imagery my wife and I use to express peace.

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." — Wayne Dyer

What are some different ways you can look at the waves in your life right now?"
posted at 04:40:42 on September 30, 2015 by beclean
"I totally needed to hear what BeClean just wrote.

Before I became a stay at home mommy I used to work with pregnant mommies in my professional life. I helped them do this, but more than what I did in my job, it was also personal....I too used the wave imagery in my four unmedicated labors....when you fight the pain it sucks you under. But when I let go and held nothing of myself back, then the waves rolled over and through me. The pain was there and it was real, but it didn't have power over me. It was one of the great gifts that motherhood has given me.

That singular lesson has translated over into my own recovery, but I haven't thought about that part of it in a long time.

It is the most terrifying thing to let go of the last bits of our resistance to pain. It is the great leap into the darkness. But in my life it has been consistent that when I stop, accept what is, and let my Higher Power be my strength, then I become whole in the storm.

Sjanderson - I cannot give you any promises about your wife, or family or job....what I will tell you this. You can be whole and at peace. You can feel the love that your soul needs. And when you have that, then EVERYTHING else falls into place.

Many prayers!"
posted at 14:21:36 on September 30, 2015 by maddy
thanks I appreciate it    
"Maddy et all
I love you guys. I have found hope and healing here. I hope that my wife can see what I am doing and want to come home. It is so hard to be in a house all by myself I want my wife and kids back, but there is so much damage, so much pain and so much hurt on everyone all the way around. I wish I could take it for everyone and make everyone feel better. I don't mean to sound conceted or anything, but I wan to suffer so they don't have to. I know that probably sounds sick. on a positive note I went to teh Bishop's sorehouse today and got my first order or food. I am so grateful for the food. The Lord has ben so very generouse. Hope you all have a great day, and any extra prayers would be appreciated for both my wife and for my job interview tomorrow about 3 pm EST"
posted at 21:24:08 on September 30, 2015 by sjanderson1
You want to suffer?    
"I don't think your sentiment of wanting to suffer so others won't is conceited.

But it's probably misguided.

You can't possibly be sad enough to make someone else truly happy.
You can't possibly suffer pain enough to make someone else feel true joy.
You can't possibly be poor enough to make someone else truly rich.

The Lord IS generous. There is enough happiness, joy, and abundance for everyone. You don't have to be downcast for sometime else to be happy. In fact, it works the opposite way. When you decide to be happy. It can bless and rub off on others.

Of course, you are in my prayers"
posted at 00:26:18 on October 1, 2015 by beclean
You want to suffer?    
"I don't think your sentiment of wanting to suffer so others won't is conceited.

But it's probably misguided.

You can't possibly be sad enough to make someone else truly happy.
You can't possibly suffer pain enough to make someone else feel true joy.
You can't possibly be poor enough to make someone else truly rich.

The Lord IS generous. There is enough happiness, joy, and abundance for everyone. You don't have to be downcast for sometime else to be happy. In fact, it works the opposite way. When you decide to be happy. It can bless and rub off on others.

Of course, you are in my prayers"
posted at 00:26:19 on October 1, 2015 by beclean
You want to suffer?    
"I don't think your sentiment of wanting to suffer so others won't is conceited.

But it's probably misguided.

You can't possibly be sad enough to make someone else truly happy.
You can't possibly suffer pain enough to make someone else feel true joy.
You can't possibly be poor enough to make someone else truly rich.

The Lord IS generous. There is enough happiness, joy, and abundance for everyone. You don't have to be downcast for sometime else to be happy. In fact, it works the opposite way. When you decide to be happy. It can bless and rub off on others.

Of course, you are in my prayers"
posted at 00:26:20 on October 1, 2015 by beclean
"thanks so much, I guess I do see it wrong as if they have to go through pain, so I want to take it away and suffer it for them. I'll have to think about it deeper"
posted at 13:59:10 on October 1, 2015 by sjanderson1

Your transformation will not come through suffering. It will come through love.

Love of your Savior.
Love of yourself.
Love for others.

And it will come in that order.

I understand that need to suffer and conversely, I understand the need to see my husband in pain as evidence to believe that he would eventually change. Both of those attitudes had to go before I could let the light in.

The best way you can take the pain away from them is to find happiness."
posted at 18:02:09 on October 1, 2015 by Maddy
one more day alive    
"I have been spared being let go for now ... I think. There is some hope that my job will be at least a 30 day possibility for me to stay on... it is still needing to be approved by the customer, but I am trying to trust God. He who has brough me this far, I need to follow forward thanks for your prayers"
posted at 20:01:13 on October 6, 2015 by sjanderson1
a few more details    
"Well it is official, I have been given a repreave for a few weeks. It is hard because I have had to take a 10% pay cut to keep my job. I am not angry necessarily about it. I guess saw this coming a ways back, but it is hard to try and keep going. I know or I have been told that focusing on the negative is distracting and draining of energy. I am trying to not give this a place in my soul, it is hard though at times when my wife keeps yelling at me telling me that I am not making progress in my recovery in my actions, but my words and showing her that. Anyway, I have a lot of work to do to try and turn to God."
posted at 20:40:07 on October 7, 2015 by sjanderson1
Your Erroneous Zones    
"I have currently checked out Wayne Dyer's first book from my local library. It's called "Your Erroneous Zones." I've listened to many things by Mr. Dyer, but I haven't listened to or read this. It's fabulous. It's showing me just how destructive my thoughts have been most of my life and how to change them. I recommend it, SJ."
posted at 15:22:30 on October 8, 2015 by beclean
thanks so much    
Thanks so much for the recommendation. I have been plowing through all the Dyer books available at the library. Right now I am on there is a spiritual solution to all problems. it is really good, it makes sense. I want to believe that it is true. I don't know buta as I listen to it I get worried I am not sure why or of what, but I am working hard to open my heart to the SAvior. I don't mean to focus on the fear and the negative because as he says that which you focus upon you get . . it is just really hard to change. I am afraid. I need to let go of all of this and take it one day at a time ... I have been blessed to have so much in my life. I just fight inside of myself to want to have my wife and kids back. I guess I need to be willing to "let them go" for the value of my soul and my progression. I don't if that makes any sense or not, but I am trying to do better and be better. Now that I think about it, I want my wife to tell me that I am of worth, that she loves me and that when she tells me that I will finally feel loved and valued. Hard to accept or change,"
posted at 22:47:42 on October 11, 2015 by sjanderson1
I getcha. Different circumstances but I wanted my husband back from porn. I wanted him to tell me and show me that he loved me. I wanted to hear him say that I was valued...I felt like giving up on those things would be the final nail in the coffin.


When I did "Let go" and I allowed those desires, even though they sounded righteous and needful on the outside, to detach from my heart, it was then that something amazing happened. I started to feel valued because I felt how much the Savior valued me. I felt loved because I felt how much He loved me. Then I started to feel valued because I valued myself. I felt loved because I loved myself. Then the final miracle happened....I got my husband back too. And it wasn't that he was gone. I just couldn't see him through my own black tinted glasses. But we finally started to come together. He went on his own journey and has been sober for a couple years. Truly when you lose yourself, you find yourself. And when you give someone up to Christ, you find them."
posted at 01:35:41 on October 12, 2015 by Maddy
"Amen, Maddy.

Isn't it funny how we give control over our emotions and our entire lives to our spouse... And if we can just take that back and give it to God... He'll never let us down."
posted at 05:23:40 on October 12, 2015 by beclean
I though tI commented earlier    
"At the fear of sounding like a complainer, I think i am down in the mouth again. while I have a tenant moving in in about a week and a half, there is the fear that I can't face the finances and stuff. As i mentioned earlier, i took a 10% cut in salary last week and now I have a renter coming in but my wife is wanting more, I get it, and I wish I could give her more. i wish i could fix the siutation. what is crazy she wants to sell thehouse, but by te time we move and get everyting moved we probably don't get ahead at all. if i can get a second renter the cost for me would be less than what i coudl get a rooom for here, but i haven't been able to find a second one yet.. i guess i need to wait upon the Lord. i don't want to be impatient, i have a job and a place to sleep tonight, and that shoudl be enouht, it is just not rihgt now"
posted at 01:20:49 on October 15, 2015 by sjanderson1
"SJ: ponder out each of these questions. What do you really believe?

Who do you believe you are, really, eternally? In what way do YOU believe you are related/connected to God? Who do you believe is God? What do you believe he is like? What evidence do you have that he cares for and loves you? What do you believe is the extent of his power? What do you believe is his own work and purpose for you? (Not your work, the work He intends to do.) What do you believe will be the result of his work?

If you refuse to wrestle with these questions, I predict you will remain on the same spiritual level in which you find yourself. But if you will ask yourself these questions until you have an answer for each one that you truly believe, then you will know why you are struggling so much.

With love,"
posted at 14:58:02 on October 16, 2015 by beclean
"Many thing you can do. Keep doing thing positive. Do what you supposed to (pray,read scripture, go church, and medate. God know what best and you can't see it. Don't look through it through eyes do God's and see what happens."
posted at 03:45:30 on February 13, 2016 by pattycake52

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"My brethren who are caught in this addiction or troubled by this temptation, there is a way. Don’t accommodate any degree of temptation. Prevent sin and avoid having to deal with its inevitable destruction. So, turn it off! Look away! Avoid it at all costs. Direct your thoughts in wholesome paths. Please heed these warnings. Let us all improve our personal behavior and redouble our efforts to protect our loved ones and our environment from the onslaught of ography that threatens our spirituality, our marriages, and our children. "

— Dallin H. Oaks

General Conference, April 2005