To stay or go
By tamara0000
7/25/2015 9:39:27 AM
So I told myself I wouldn't make a decision to end my marriage until a year had past. As the time gets closer I become more and more confused. Thoughts and worries flood my thoughts and I just don't feel like I understand the addiction enough to make a decision. I pray for answers but haven't gotten a clear answer.
My husband's sexual addiction resulted in him stepping outside the marriage multiple times. Since I have small children (girls) my greatest fear has been what if his addiction causes him to act out with the children. I don't know if this is just a fear since I grew up with sexual abuse or if I should be worried that this could happen, after all I was the last to learn about my husbands acting out. I refuse to let my children be abused. I haven't seen any warning signs but it still scares me to death especially since my husband and I work opposite schedules.
My husband has made a lot of changes over the last 7 months and yet I still feel so guarded and like I will never be able to trust or heal. And that nothing he does will ever make it right .I have a hard time even praying with him. And most days get frustrated that I'm not further along in this process.
I feel like I'm losing my mind. Am I crazy to have these concerns if I haven't seen any signs? How do I KNOW that I should stay in the marriage and continue to work through this? How do I know my kids are safe when I'm not there?
I've even thought about putting nanny cams in for my own peace but is that crossing the line?
Are there any wives out there that have had these worries and if so what safety measures did you use?


"I don't have any great insights or answers but I just really want to support you. Making the decision to stay or go is a very hard thing. I believe that you can get an answer and you will KNOW that it is the right answer for you. I know it wont feel confusing or panicked or will feel calm and sure, even though it will be hard (because being the spouse of an addict makes the answer to go AND the answer to stay hard).

If you need to install nanny cams or lie detector tests or whatever to find peace then pray about that too. I prefer things that don't involve hiding information from the spouse. My hubby knows I check his computer or obviously consent to a lie detector test, but Heavenly Father will let you know what to do.

7 months is still really early on in the process from Discover Day to have healed. Some people can adjust to their new life and are far into the healing process by then, but most of us are still in the early phases. What resources are you using to help you on your journey?

I do know this. If BOTH partners work, then trust and love can be restored to stronger than ever. But that needs to be what you want and what is right for you."
posted at 19:17:56 on July 25, 2015 by maddy
I second Maddy.    
"I know that at some point you will know if you need to stay or go. I think only you will be able to determine that. It is so amazing that we have such a kind father in heaven who is willing to hear us out over and over again, listen to us, love us, support us... And especially commune with us. I've fasted and prayed about my situation and I've gotten an answer. The most amazing part of all is he will never steer us in the wrong direction or lead is down the wrong path. He is trust worthy. Seek his will for you and your children. He will show you the right path.

I agree with Maddy. She is such a great example and I'm thankful for her willingness to be so supportive on this site. I want to be supportive too. I feel like our stories and so much the same in many ways. You're not alone and hopefully it brings you comfort to know that someone knows how you're feeling. It's been four years of headache for me. Crazy huh? I continuously ask for guidance. Things change on a regular basis and up and down again we go. But, I'm here.... I'm working on finding happiness despite my circumstances. I believe I can over come this and get to some state of being okay. It's work but worth it. The other night I asked Heavenly Father if my husband was going to start being more nice as he always promises... The answer was no. It proved to be correct. It's hard to know the truth at times when you are waiting for the dawn to break. I will continue to pray and be hopeful but realistic. I think if and when I need to go, he will let me know. But for now in still enduring.

Maddy, I know your situation probably has been harder than mine possibly or just as hard, but it's wonderful to know that you have found a balance and your marriage is doing okay. You have some great wisdom and I'm thankful for your sharing of it. It really has helped me. You're such a kind person."
posted at 06:50:11 on July 26, 2015 by Humbled32
Attraction profile?    
"Regarding your concerns that your husband may abuse your daughters, I would suggest talking to a professional who deals with men with these addictive behaviors. I was in the same boat as your husband and this was a concern my wife had as well, since we have 2 daughters. She spoke to my therapist about it and he told her about an attraction profile and said that in 25 years of treating men with sexual addictions, he had never personally seen the attraction profile change. In other words, if someone was attracted to adult women, and NOT attracted to children, he had never seen that change as an adult. These general attraction profiles are basically ingrained during childhood and adolescence and don't tend to change in adulthood. That was very comforting to my wife and I know personally the thought of anyone taking advantage of a child is sickening. But please don't take this for gospel. That's one doctor and others may have differing opinions. But speaking to a therapist about your concerns may prove fruitful. And of course, seek the Spirit's guidance. Good luck."
posted at 23:44:06 on July 26, 2015 by derek

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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006