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Miserable.
By Humbled32
5/6/2015 12:15:40 AM
I'm honestly completely miserable. It's been five days since I was abused. I guess this time it seemed more like a big deal because I actually had to go to the hospital and get stitches. That's means I either had to tell them the truth and risk not having my beautiful kids there when I got home or having them witness dad being taken away, or lie and tell them it was an accident. Well, I lied and I completly regret it. So badly I want this to stop. It's completly miserable. I've tried to cut out all updates at this point and any other form that could be used to manipulate me. With every passing day I'm miserable living in this. I've tried to reach out to three of my friends whom I thought I could trust but one doesn't want to become involved, the other flat out never responded, and the other just found out their spouse cheated so I feel like this is my only support at the moment. I can feel with each conversation I have with my husband he tries to gain control. He blames me for everything. He calls me controlling when I speak my feelings. I have not been using divorce but he brought it up tonight calling me awful. I do think it's best to separate for now, but I think he is using ways to controll. He told me he wouldn't leave and I said it would be easiest since I need to care for the kids and school is in session for one more month. After then I could move. He has refused. I have no family close but he has all family close. I can just feel him manipulating me. Trying to get me to accept it's my fault. I feel so stuck in this. Suddenly our money became his and im not allowed to spend money. There is no way out of this!! No job. No money. No place to go. Should I keep the peace and pretend to be under his guidelines and wishes until school is out for my daughter for a month? Should I stand up to the abuse and control? I'm afraid I will be reeled back in.... I honestly need a friend who I can trust to keep things in a truthful perspective for me. I've been praying for the truth. I've been praying to continue to see the truth and it's been happening. But with that comes the desire to break free from this. I'm sick of it and if I didn't care more about how my kids were affected then I would have told the truth. Another thing after this whole thing happened he tried saying I was fat. This is one of his updates and ways to manipulate me. He gets me to think low of myself. He likes to see how much I care by hurting me. Sooooooo I told him no more. I doubt I can be that fat. I weigh 110 and I'm 5'4''!!! I do have three kids and my stomach isn't perfect but to be it's beautiful and I'm proud of my motherhood! I'm so desperate. I want out of this control and his lies. I assume he will probably be turning to lusting soon since it's one of the ways he acts out when Im not sucked into his plan. That way he can see how much I care. It's a twisted game but I've caught on! I feel like I'm grieving my marriage. It does not feel like it's going to work and I think I see the truth now. He doesnt change.

Comments:

hold your head up high    
"1st off no one should EVER put their hands on another person, especially not someone they are supposed to love. You deserve better, your kids deserve better. Does his family know he is physically abusive? Regardless of familial support there are community resources to get you out of this situation. You are loved by your heavenly father and should be treated as the queen you are. Only you can make the decision on when its time to leave...but it is never OK for someone to do what he did. Maybe he needs some consequences as a wake up call...its not too late to report domestic violence. We are here for you through this!"
posted at 02:30:19 on May 6, 2015 by tamara0000
You're in the cycle, and it's time to step out of the abuse circle    
"Humbled, my mother always said that no advice is good advice and I believe her. I am going to break all my rules right now and give you some (no good) advice.

It's time my sister. Call a friend and make sure the kids are out of the house at a play date. Call the police and explain what happened and has been happening. Call your bishop and let him know too. The church can help with $ to get you a place to live. For goodness sakes there is no better way I would have wanted my tithing funds used than to help those in need.

Call your family. Lean on the others as much as you need to. Your time and day will come to pay it back or forward. Now is your time to ask for help.

Here is an email address where you can contact me directly. It's an anonymous account and no not my real email or info and I will come back and delete it after a day or two. Just let me know when you get it.

private1234@anonymousspeech.com

Humbled, you need to report him and you need to protect yourself and your children. I know that you can't see a way out of this right now, but there is a way. It's time. Don't let your fear stop you. Report him and get yourself and your children to a safe place. He is doing it to you...he will do it to your kids sooner or later. It's time."
posted at 14:53:10 on May 6, 2015 by maddy
Maddy is spot on    
"Get out, Humbled. And. Never. Go. Back.

Everything is going to be alright. Eventually."
posted at 18:06:37 on May 6, 2015 by beclean
Abuse    
"I know I'm in the cycle. I can feel myself being sucked in and spit out over and over again. I don't believe at all that it will change. I don't believe he means to do it, and I'm sure he feels bad and I could guarantee he actually believes he will stop but I KNOW it will happen again. I've spent many hours reading on abuse and I know things are not looking good at all. I'm trying my best to not get stuck in this co-dependent state but I can feel it kicking into full gear today with his "updates" of women. It's just one way to suck me back in. We have a counciling appointment today so I'm hoping this will help."
posted at 12:49:15 on May 7, 2015 by Humbled32
One the bright side...    
"I have been listening to the Utchdorf talk "The Hope Of Gods Light" which really is amazing because I need it. I've felt so anxious for the past week and no one to talk to and it literally feels like I'm battling Satan himself in my own home for my eternal family. I'm beyond the point of even feeling but I know something is terribly wrong."
posted at 12:57:41 on May 7, 2015 by Humbled32
I am so sorry to hear of your pain    
"Humbled32,
I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I hope that you have since found some peace from the Savior. It is hard for me to admit, but as an abuser in a relationship hearing of your pain breaks my heart. In my case my wife got our of the situation, now eight months later we are still trying to put the pieces back together in our own lives. with the distance between us it has helped us grow and change in the way that we have needed to in our own way. in our situation it was so frustrating becuase I believe we were both well intentioned in our relationship and did not have the tools to communciate our needs with each other. Even now we are having a hard time working things out, but as I mentioned the distance and the Savior is helping us both heal, slowly, but surely. God bless you for yoru desire to hold your family together and do what is right, I hope you see the Lord's hand in your life.

Cheers"
posted at 19:39:07 on May 7, 2015 by Anonymous


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