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my faith has taken a hit
By tamara0000
5/5/2015 4:37:07 PM
My childhood was filled with darkness and abuse. Each day I just trued to survive. The gospel of Jesus Christ found me when I was 19. My family and friends disowned me...but I knew the church was true and I held on with all I had. I have always tried to be obedient to all the Lords counsel. I pray, I read the scriptures, I try to always follow the spirit. I was married in the temple to my best friend. I thought I would finally have happiness.
I can't help but feel like I'm being punished. What I thought would be a happy life has been a nightmare. I lost not only my husband but my friend. My husband was excommunicated 5 months ago for multiple affairs due to acting out his pornography addiction. On top of it all I tested positive for an std. I feel so dirty and broken and like I'll never be able to walk into the temple again. I'm so tired of hurting. My stake president has said that I will be blessed for my obedience in working through this but I don't feel it. I feel like my heart is being ripped out and then I'm being tortured until I die. Is god punishing me? Did I deserve this? How do I get past these feelings? I pray to heavenly father but still feel so alone. How do I move on? How do I get past being angry and hurt? How do I forgive and heal? How do I know when its time to walk away? I am tired of living a life surviving. I want happiness. How? What do I do now? When do the blessings come?

Comments:

...    
"I don't know.

I just dont know.

I can give you the best guess I have. It's the thing that has helped me. When I was at my darkest time, I kept asking the 'do I deserve this' question too. The thing that came to me was that Jesus didn't deserve any of the bad stuff that happened to Him....but it happened so that He could know us so well and so perfectly that He could succor our pains and be our Savior. Maybe, just maybe, the bad stuff happens to us for a parellel reason. So that we can come to know Him....

He didn't deserve it. Neither do you.
He went through it to come to know you. Maybe you go through it to come to know him.

Sometimes it seems like a cruel and unloving God that would do something so horrible. Why would His plan for us be so terrible? Sometimes I want to scream at the heaves "Isn't there another way?!?!?" But I can say that when I leaned into the life I had and stopped wishing for a different one, that the answer came, that as painful as it was, that this was the quickest road for me to be refined to what I was supposed to become.

I want to write more, but I'll have to come back later. Tamara...I don't really understand why this is the way it is. I do know that this is not a punishment. I wonder when I see people live short lives full of pain, hunger, abuse and one nightmare after another, where is God's hand? What is the point? But asking those questions has helped me in a process of getting closer to Him, even when I become angry and accusatory with Him.

I write more later.

Love and hugs to you sweet sister.

Maddy"
posted at 14:35:19 on May 6, 2015 by maddy
possibly unhelpful thoughts on perspective    
"Maddy said, "I wonder when I see people live short lives full of pain, hunger, abuse and one nightmare after another, where is God's hand?"

I suggest his hand is in the word "short."

This life is short for all of us. Aren't we grateful that the cherubim guard the way to the tree of life so that we can't live forever in this mess?

Says President Kimball: If we looked at mortality as the whole of existence, then pain, sorrow, failure, and short life would be calamity. But if we look upon life as an eternal thing stretching far into the premortal past and on into the eternal post-death future, then all happenings may be put in proper perspective."

Those things we call catastrophic, tragedy, disaster, calamity, horror, etc., are merely blinks in an eternal existence. They are labels for happenings we cannot understand.

If you have children, think of how tragic they think their lives are when they suffer something that appears to you to be a minor setback. To a 2-year-old, it's calamity when he cannot have another piece of licorice. To a 7-year-old, it's horror when a soccer ball hits her in the head. To an 11-year-old, the world is ending when her Pokémon cards get wet. To a 16-year-old, a poorly-placed zit on prom night is a disaster.

Our eternal, immortal Father is completely loving and empathetic. He does not find joy in our pain or look on us condescendingly when we ask for help. Still, He who sent his son to suffer and overcome all things may see our worst trials as little more than very temporary setbacks in the eternal plan. He says they will give us experience, and we shall then be exalted on high.

Is this life of hell a punishment? No, it was a choice. A choice we made once we understood our potential for growth. The growth necessary to be like God was only possible in a hell like this.

Just my two bits."
posted at 18:30:25 on May 6, 2015 by beclean
Ahhhhh    
"I know it doesn't seem like I'm qualified to answer since my life is a crazy mess but don't let satan feed you his lies. This morning while I was saying my prayer I just felt the weight of my problems and sorrow. I got to thinking that all I really want to do is cry out to make all this stop because I want it to stop. Because I don't feel like I can do this anymore. But then I couldn't. I just could not ask him to make this stop. I even tried thinking of some good excuse to ask him to make this stop.... But nothing was good enough. I just trust him. I know whatever is going on will be for my own good. I will learn and grow. It will all be worth it and not only that my suffering will be repaid to me. Things will be made right at some point. Every sorrow of this life will be made better. I'm looking forward to that day. I think of Job in the bible and think of Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail. Life is just hard and I don't doubt the reason. I know that we will understand it at some point."
posted at 14:31:08 on May 7, 2015 by Humbled32
HEALING    
"Lets be real 1.Your Wounds can only BE Healed by Jesus Christ .
A family member was a victim of incest. She went to LDS services for Help and healing.
I witnessed the Atonement take place and slowly they were healed until she no longer looked the same . She had light in her eyes. She had a glow like appearance . I can't really explain it in words. She looked more wonderful than before treatment which was about a year on her case. I took her to the Temple and Married her . Your now in a special fellowship of saints who have experience great sufferings in the last days and the lord with use you to help people like your self. "
posted at 22:43:00 on May 8, 2015 by Myrealself
Mans search for meaning    
"I've posted this before but it's just so good:

"...the story of the young woman whose death I witnessed in a concentration camp. It is a simple story. There is little to tell and it may sound as if I had invented it; but to me it seems like a poem. This young woman knew that she would die in the next few days. But when I talked to her she was cheerful in spite of this knowledge. "I am grateful that fate has hit me so hard," she told me. "In my former life I was spoiled and did not take spiritual accomplishments seriously." Pointing through the window of the hut, she said, "This tree here is the only friend I have in my loneliness." Through that window she could see just one branch of a chestnut tree, and on the branch were two blossoms. "I often talk to this tree," she said to me. I was startled and didn't quite know how to take her words. Was she delirious? Did she have occasional hallucinations? Anxiously I asked her if the tree replied. "Yes." What did it say to her? She answered, "It said to me, 'I am here — I am here — I am life, eternal life.'"

I believe suffering is the conduit, or rather a conduit of probably many, through which we are able to see beyond this veil of tears and touch the Infinite. Being able to see the Beauty behind things and through things and in things, even "ugly" things, has become one of my greatest treasures. a treasure I could not have found except through intense suffering. I'm sorry you suffer. We are all here with you.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xu8_8TJC9E8

Looking for God not in some other experience but rather in my experience, no matter what they are, has made all the difference."
posted at 16:12:59 on May 22, 2015 by they_speak
To TAMARAoooo    
"Follow Elder Uchtdorf's counsel, and "hold on a little longer." Under no circumstances ever, ever give up. My alcohol addiction spanned some thirty years, and my sex addiction, which began when I was seven years old, has spanned at least 49 years.

Nothing you have done cannot be fully forgiven. Nothing that has been done to you cannot be completely absorbed and consumed by the Atonement of Christ. Keep moving forward, even if only crawling, but keep moving forward and keep facing in the right direction - towards Father in Heaven.

We must endure to THE END. That is what my addictions and annihilated first marriage taught me. So long as we are moving toward the light, and not away from it, in an overall sense, we have hope and divine assistance, even the grace of Christ, to enable and empower us.

We do not have to be addicts, but we cannot circumvent the process of recovery."
posted at 16:43:36 on May 24, 2015 by Harryhausen1
"In an over all sense"    
"I dig that. Gives me hope. Well said."
posted at 13:13:26 on May 25, 2015 by they_speak


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"Man has a dual nature; one, related to the earthly or animal life; the other, akin to the divine. Whether a man remains satisfied within what we designate the animal world, satisfied with what the animal world will give him, yielding without effort to the whim of his appetites and passions and slipping farther and farther into the realm of indulgence, or whether, through self-mastery, he rises toward intellectual, moral, and spiritual enjoyments depends upon the kind of choice he makes every day, nay, every hour of his life"

— David O. McKay