By Humbled32
3/19/2015 12:34:39 PM
So I'm new at this. As a matter of fact, I'm on this website and my husband doesn't even admit he has a problem. I know he has had a problem with pornography but to my understanding has not used it since January. I recently listened to a program on the mormon chanel and the wife of an addicted drug user seemed to have almost every feeling that I experienced. Yet how do I know if my husband is addicted to pornography? Even if he currently isn't, the side effects must thriving strong. Maybe he is in denial?

So I feel like I'm the most unattractive woman in the world to my husband. It seems that he finds my body not good enough. About every week or few days he has these confessions with thoughts about me. Such as a big nose, no shape to my legs, and so on. I wouldn't say I'm inattractive. Actually I used to feel quite good about myself. I used to think of myself as beautiful and I truly don't see what is so bad about me. Does pornography make me ugly to my husband? Even if I'm not an ugly person, I truly believes he views me as unattractive. Will I ever feel beautiful again?

On top of this he is awful mean I me. I feel like he has no heart or its just cold. Almost like two different people. Nice to everyone else then mean to me. It feels so bad.

Anyway, I think I enable his bad behavior. I've said I would leave many times but stay. He has no consequence to his bad actions. It's so horribe to feel this over and over. I don't know how to set boundaries that stick. I'm contemplating leaving.

He gives me "updates" everyday. It's our way of being honest. Within those updates is every sexual thought or look or desire he has. Is this unhealthy? How can I get over these updates without constant anxiety?

Im so lost. I have no idea where to start. Is this all because of the phonographs problem? Is he just rude? Will he ever admit of the impact of our lives and get help? Even if he isn't looking at it I feel like it's still an addiction. :(


Welcome Humbled    
"Hello my friend...I'm Maddy.

I could have written this post verbatim a couple years ago. Husband with a porn problem...check. Feeling ugly...check. No boundaries....check. Thinking of leaving...check. Husband treats me mean....check. Daily TMI updates.....check.

Humble, I am a broken record on here, but the truth is worth repeating. It is time to let go of your sweet husband's addiction. The best way for you to support him to let go of it is for you to let go. But that isn't why you are going to let are going to do it for you first.

So what do I mean by letting go of his addiction? Well, I mean that you can begin to live a life where his addiction doesn't effect you. Your thoughts, your feelings, your actions are not dictated by him and especially by his sins. You get to be totally free of it. It is a piece of what unconditional love looks like, but the great secret is that you love best when you love without that kind of attachment to the other persons behavior.

Humbled I will validate something you said and the addicts on here will back me up. Pornography use does effect a person's brain. They do become more mean and critical. They don't want to but pornagraphy addiction comes from a place of pain and it is a mishapen and corrupt form of coping with that pain. It is exactly like a drug addiction...well, to be fair it is a drug addiction. The drug is dopamine and it is made in our own brain. Each person makes their own dopamine and so it is chemically PERFECT for that individual's receptors. It is the custom made heroine and is so potent because it is tailored for it's user, by it's user. The drug dealer is inside your own head. You can never get away from that dealer. Makes it a double punch deal.

Is he in denial? Well, I don't know him. But probably. There is a reason that step one is honesty. We lie to others, but our biggest lies are to ourselves. Is he lying? Well, addiction and lies go hand in hand. Accept that but don't try and force him to be honest. He has to make that choice when he hits rock bottom. Start working on YOUR recovery and start working your steps...focus on you. It is the only thing you can do.

Ok so you asked some great questions: Will I ever feel beautiful again? Yes. I said we lie to ourselves. Well sister, you are listening to lies and starting to believe them. Time to get honest. When you start telling yourself the truth then you will feel beautiful again. Because that is the TRUTH!

You asked about the is some advice that I'll hand to you from the school of hard knocks. The devil is in the details. Stop asking for them and stop letting him share them. He gets to say to you what he would say to a bishop if he was confessing. Nothing more and nothing less. Trust me, that is enough. You do not need to know every stupid, sinful thing that pops into his addict head. He is an addict for goodness sake, of course he is going to think gross stuff. It is part of the disease so knowing that is knowing plenty. "I struggled with my thoughts today." Is an appropriate confession. I laundry list of an addict brain binge is not going to do either of you any good. "I look at porn today." Ok, got it. You do not need to know what he saw. He is bad enough that he has to carry that. It wont help either of you if you carry it too. Does he need to tell you if he relapses? Yes. You need to know the truth. But you need to NOT BE HIS SPONSOR!!!! Too many spouses try to sponsor their spouse and that is rule number 1 that you do not do. When he gets into recover and gets a sponsor then he can tell that person the details if necessary. But not you. There is a line there that you need to guard and you'll have to figure it out for yourselves where it is. It'll come with trial and error and I bet you are carrying way too much already. There is no easy or damage free way to figure that out.

Is it all because of porn? Nope. Humbled, we all have character flaws. He isn't perfect and if you took away his addiction he'd still be a jerk sometimes because we are all jerks sometimes. A LOT of it comes from the habits formed due to the selfish nature of addiction but when he gets sober, he's still going to have to deal with the rudeness and temper and whatever else is in his dirty laundry bag one by one. Addiction just makes it almost impossible to deal with those other issues. But luckily recovery will give him tools so he can face those issues too.

Is he an addict if he isn't looking? Yes ma'am. You'll get difference answers on this one if you can become a nonaddici or if you are a recovered addict. I tend to be in the 'recovered addict' camp. But regardless, there is such a thing as a 'dry drunk' and a 'white knuckling porn addict'. They are the addicts that aren't in recovery but are not actively using. What's the difference? It's in their head. No one knows for sure except God I guess. And it really isn't something I try to worry about.

And last you asked, will he get help? I don't know. I hope so. But I know YOU CAN. And that is your job. Click on the manuals to the left side. Download them. Study them. Work them. The Recovery manual is for addicts. The Family/Spouses Manual is for addicts to but primarily for a codependant addict, which is what I am.

Next, look up your local ARP and PASG meetings and start going to them. After that, please, please get counseling. This is a heavy problem and you'll need to do a lot of healing. Go for you. You can do marriage therapy too at some point but my advice is start with you.

Ok this has been a huge novel. I still have so much to say. Please know that there is hope. My hubby and I have come such a long way from our beginning days. I am almost two decades into this world addict and about five into the world of recovery. I've seen such miracles and am so happy today. My fight isn't over and neither is my husbands, but I love my life, myself, and my husband. I know anything is possible.

Again, welcome. If you've read all of this then I apologize for it's length but hope there is something in here that helps you!

posted at 13:59:21 on March 19, 2015 by maddy
Been there    
"Just wanna let you know your not alone in these feelings. Check out a post I did awhile back about self- esteem. I think you'll understand my feelings the way only a wife of a porn using husband can. I'm sorry you're in this club. It helps to feel less alone but it breaks my heart when other sisters can understand this kind of pain.
I was in the same boat of saying I would leave but don't. And yes it did make the problem worse. He walked on me and treated me like garbage. Fast forward to today...we are working on attachment issues, he is attached and I'm not. He knows I'll leave and I know I'd leave. When it comes to boundaries I now make sure to say only things that I will follow through with. And yes leaving is one of the things I could do, his actions have brought me to that point. On a positive note he treats me with more respect when I respect myself. I understand now that I am worth having boundaries. I wasn't meant to be walked on.
It took forever for my husband to understand he had a problem...FOREVER!! I hating waiting for him to come around.
Here's the link. Prayers for you sister."
posted at 21:12:40 on March 21, 2015 by Summer
"Both of your comments have helped me so much already. I mean in all reality, if one person spends years and years submerging their minds in filth, there is no possible way to flush that all out and the mentality behind it. I'm sure spending year with unvirtuous thinking has trained your brain to think nasty. I have not yet stopped with the daily updates. I'm not sure if my body and anxiety can handle not knowing quite yet.... But I look at the updates differently. Instead of hearing them and being upset my very own eternal companion is thinking such sickening stuff about everyone I know, I see it as a personal problem on his part. I know this is not MY fault.

Summer I read your post and my heart aches for you... As a matter of fact it's actually really hard knowing that there are so many people suffering. I've felt so alone for years. I meanI have some other issues going on with my husband which are emotional abuse... But never the less, knowing someone else suffers this way truly saddens me. I don't know how I will establish boundaries that will stick. I get treated wrongly but I'm still here. It feels like the only way things will ever change is if and when I pack up myself and the kids and leave."
posted at 09:03:29 on March 22, 2015 by Humbled32

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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006