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SCREAM
By i.am.neese
3/18/2015 9:41:38 PM
I just want to vent honestly.

I don't know where to start. Nothing is going right for me is a great start I guess. I'm unhappy, miserable and just wanting to be different.

I struggle with living the gospel standards, I feel like no-one really loves me, I feel left out and almost forgotten, by friends, by leaders.

My calling as a YW second counsellor is one of my biggest frustrations, the girls barely want to listen, I'm never prepared for lessons, I feel like I have nothing to offer them really. Half of the time I feel I need to bribe them to like me. My advisor is overbearing and can be very offensive, or is it that I cant handle criticism.

My addiction to pornography still exists even after working on it for so long, maybe I didn't work hard enough. I feel like a whole part of me disappears with every image I see or every video I watch. I want so desperately to be good, to not be so self-gratifying because no one would ever just look at me and love me for who I am.

I am so sure I am going to lose my job, pretty much because I suck at it, I've been pulled up by my Team Leader so many times, it's sad, but I can't just quit, because I have a family to support, my mum, and my 2 younger siblings. If I stop working then we would struggle to live daily.

I'm tired like ALL the time, I can't sleep properly.

My weight - enough said.

I'm sad, miserable and hate life.
I know that I'm a daughter of God, but I feel like I'm the most useless.
I feel like God has given up on me, because I gave up on him :(

I haven't felt the holy ghost in such a long time, it's sad.
I'm on the edge of breaking down.

I just want to crawl up in a ball, with a blanket over me and just cry.

Comments:

Be of good cheer    
"If you draw near to him he will draw near to you. Pray pray pray...."
posted at 12:01:29 on March 19, 2015 by Anonymous
Neese    
"My dear sister....come here and vent anytime you need.

We'll listen and keep your secrets. The highs and the lows we share here are sacred because they are our truth. No matter how painful your posts are, they are welcomed because speaking the truth of our feelings is part of recovery.

You are not unloved, but we understand feeling that way because we have all felt that way too.
You are not useless, but we understand that too.
God has not abandoned you, but we have all screamed in the dark and heard nothing but our own echo come back to us. We know what that feels like.

Neese, I promise that there is hope and love and joy and it is closer than you would imagine. Part of the definition of addiction is a behavior that you CAN NOT stop on your own. Who is on your team to help you break these chains?

I know we say things like, "You can do it!" to encourage each other. And yes, that is true in the way we mean it, but for a second I am going to say, "You can't do it!.....alone." None of us can. We were never meant to. And sometimes I think addiction is a way for us to learn that great lesson. And if we learn it well then our addictions become a great and beautiful blessing.

What?!?!? Pornography addiction a blessing?!?!?! What did I just say?? Yep. I'll say it again. It can be a blessing. A perfect blessing when it falls into the right part of our story. Looking back, I am so deeply grateful for my husband's pornagraphy addiction. It is an amazing part of our love story and I am so grateful for it now. I believe that if we can find hope and peace then anyone can! He and I are pretty big dumby heads so y'all have a much better start then we have had.

Have hope sweet sister. This is part of your great love story as well. Believe in the journey and put together your team of people to help you!!!!!!!!!"
posted at 13:15:20 on March 19, 2015 by maddy
You are needed    
"Neese,

I know you feel unloved and darkness closing in on you. I have felt this too in my life at times. I grew up in a house full of abuse and darkness and it was all I could do just to survive- some days I wanted to give up but I felt someone urging me on. And then I found the gospel and learned of a loving Savior who I know cried with me, comforted and protected me during horrendous abuse and carried me when I couldn't go any further. Sometimes in life we feel like everything is falling apart and nothing will get good again...but it will get good again as we align our lives with Heavenly Father's teachings. You are needed in this work. You may not think the YW need you but they do. You have something to share- there are many youth even in the church who have lost sight of who they are, who feel no hope, who put on a brave face instead of sharing the hurt they really feel.
When I was first called into the primary more than a few years ago...(considered the black hole in my ward) I was worried that I wouldn't know how to relate to kids. I went about my calling with the thinking of "if I was them what would I want to learn/know?" "What do I think if fun" and I started there. I still bribe the kids at times with snacks and goodies because quite frankly some days I need a snack too! Be yourself and open up to the girls you work with. It's hard at first, at least it was for me because I was worried about being rejected- but if you can relate to even one person you did your job- even if that one person if you.
You are loved. Keep going- call out to your Heavenly Father in prayer. Talk to your bishop. Reach out to those around you that want to support you and love you. "
posted at 08:21:27 on July 27, 2015 by Tamara0000
A thought...    
"Neese, I may be way off base here, but what if you are exactly what those girls need? Someone who truly understands the temptations of our day, and how hard it can be to fight against them? Perhaps there's just one girl in your group of yw who needs to hear your testimony and see your example. Obviously you don't need to share anything that you would feel uncomfortable with or that could be inappropriate, but through your example and words you can let them know that you know that the world out there is tough, that chastity is a challenge, and that Heavenly Father stands with outstretched arms waiting-and wanting-to forgive ANY sin. That it's never too late.
That's just my two cents worth."
posted at 17:32:11 on July 30, 2015 by Anonymous


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"Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs, or the pernicious contemporary plague of ography? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma's testimony is my testimony: "I do know," he says, "that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions."

— Jeffrey R. Holland

General Conference, April 2006