By they_speak
3/10/2015 9:03:26 PM
been awhile since I've blogged. I had some thoughts that I wanted to journal and was thinking of where to write them so, here I am. nothing major. I asked some questions and made some comments about shame the other day on booklover's feed. I was reading over it today and the thought crossed my mind "where does your shame originate?". when I read "quick! hide!" I thought "when do I hide?" I realized it's not after the atrocities I've committed that that my shame is most detrimental it is when the thought originates. I am most ashamed that this wickedness exists within me in the first instance and out of shame I hide and my hiding becomes lies and deception to protect what I'm most ashamed of. if I could muster the courage to come out of my shame when the thoughts originate admitting to myself that they exist and admitting to others that they exist without fear of any repercussions knowing that its in my best interest and in the best interest of everyone I love to be honest I believe that would do me a world of good.

...but I'm so...effing...ashamed :'(


Harvey H. and shame    
"I had the privilege of attending an SA conference about three years ago. Harvey from Nashville was the main speaker. At one point, he mentioned that during the peak of his addiction, he brought venereal diseases home to his wife. The whole room changed, and several audible gasps were made.

Harvey said something like, "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought this was a sexaholic meeting! Where we talk about sex! Am I at the wrong meeting?"

He went on to rebuke us for having so much shame. He said the two groups of people who have the most trouble with recovery are Jews in Jerusalem and Mormons in Utah. Because we are so wrapped up in our shame!

I appreciate your thoughts on the topic, Speak. It's the shame that keeps me tied up in this mess. I stopped attending PASG meetings because all they talked about was p^rn and masturbation. Any time I mentioned pre-marital sex, strip clubs, or soliciting escorts, I felt mountains of shame. At least SA gives me a place to openly talk about whatever I need to talk about."
posted at 11:42:13 on March 11, 2015 by ETTE
What do I protect?    
"We protect what we love.
We love what we protect.

If I protect my secrets...well, what does that say when my secrets are sins? Shame. Sigh....It's a sick twisted game of loving sin instead of God. Perhaps that what shame really is and why it is so bad for us.

When we let go of shame and stand fearlessly, naked before God, in all our brokenness, then I think we learn to love Him. It is in that moment that we stop pretending and lying to ourselves. God already knows the truth. But it is our privileged to admit it. That is a beautiful thing.

But shame....shame makes us hide. We hide from God, ourselves and from truth.

I believe that the is a reason Sept one is honesty is because it is pushing us towards a life where we do not protect our secret sins anymore."
posted at 13:39:11 on March 11, 2015 by maddy
"you mention the Jews. I just read a memoir by a disaffected Hasidic Jew called Foreskins Lament and couldn't believe how much I could relate to his hilarious and tragic relationship with God, himself, life and his society. that doesn't surprise me that they suffer as we.

I had similar experience with the church sponsored recovery meetings. not a lot of room for the real sinners. mountains of shame. well put.

Maddy, I had some interesting thoughts while reading your response. in keeping with the garden theme I realized Eve didn't go to Adam and say "this fruit tastes like shit. here, try it." I think I try to fool myself into thinking that the proverbial fruit of my evil inclinations are not "delicious". in denying/hiding from that fact within myself I believe I start on the slippery slide down to hell. in the end maybe I'll have the courage, like Adam and Eve, to stand naked before God. Recognizing my sins yes but more important for me admit that the fruit was delicious and [then] I did eat. because that's what I'm most ashamed of. that I love it. Hopefully some day I can rejoice with Eve for what the fruit taught me. But right now it just super sucks way bad.

ps I've only seen the temple video 6 or so times and I haven't been through the temple in 10 years. so I'm guessing I'm kind of murdering the quotes but I think I'm catching the essence of it. for example I'm pretty sure Eve doesn't say and *then* I did eat. that's why I bracketed it. but I put it in there to emphasize the point in my own life. anyway, please feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken or off the mark on any of this."
posted at 13:07:49 on March 12, 2015 by they_speak
Shame Isolates    
"Shame isolates us from God. It makes us hide and causes us to push Him away. I've been thinking about shame lately. I think about that picture with Christ standing outside the door with no handle as He waits for us to let Him in. I've been afraid to open that door and let Him into my life, because I want to hide my shame. I remembered the scripture Mark 2:16-17

16 And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners?

17 When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

It is when we are lost that we need Christ the most. This is not the time to be pushing Him away. I read the parables about the prodigal son and the lost sheep a few days ago. Christ wants us to come to Him for help. He doesn't love us any less for our mistakes."
posted at 11:59:11 on March 14, 2015 by booklover

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"Just as the landfill requires dedicated work and attention, laboriously applying layer after layer of fill to reclaim the low-lying ground, our lives also require the same vigilance, continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance.…Our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, feel sorrow when we choose to remain in sin, when the gift of repentance made possible through the Atonement can clean, reclaim, and sanctify our lives. When we gratefully accept and use this precious gift, we can enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives... "

— Shayne M. Bowen

General Conference October 2006