By SWarrior
3/3/2015 7:36:41 AM
For some reason, I am unable to open my "Beginning" blog. So here is my last entry :

Thank you MADDY, I really appreciate your comment (I am a huge fan of the Marvel movies) and the hope that your experience brings . When I first read it, I was struggling with what I had done to my marriage - I still am, but today I am in a better place. It has been over a month since I confessed to my wife and Bishop. What a difficult month it has been. I have been going to the ar meetings and have made some new friends. I am thankful to report that I have not looked at porn since my confession. I know that I am not out of the woods yet, but it is a good beginning.

The following is a jumble of recent experiences. I apologize if they are not cohesive. I am still getting used to Journaling:

1) A couple weeks ago I was walking through the grocery store with my wife when I suddenly had a panic attack (I don't normally get panic attacks). The thought occurred to me that, although I was doing well, I will never be able to go the rest of my life without looking at porn. I felt very hopeless, standing in the produce section. I felt like I should never have told my wife - that I was just setting her up for more pain, that my marriage was doomed for failure, and that my kids were going to grow up in my cesspool of a life. I know that this was Satan. He is after all the father of lies. I had to take a minute, calm down and just breathe. I then realized that I had this wonderful woman beside me who was willing to help me through this. Every time I have felt tempted, I have called her (we often spend nights away from each other because of my job). We have a very honest (now) relationship and I know that, with Christ's help, I can make it last-forever.
I have a new testimony of the atonement. I know that God loves me. I know that Christ has made me clean and can help me to change into a better man. I know that he is long suffering (otherwise he would have given up on me a long time ago).

2)After confessing, my Bishop encouraged me to give my wife a blessing. She wasn't near ready for that. 2 weeks after confessing, I had an interview with my Bishop. After telling him that I hadn't had any relapses he had me assist in giving a blessing to one of my ar brothers. It was a great experience to feel the Priesthood again (especially without the "quick repentance" before the blessing. I am ashamed I ever thought I could do that. So many missed opportunities.)

3) After church last Sunday, my wife asked for the blessing. I was fasting for her to have strength and it was the strongest blessing I have ever given (including my clean missionary days). With out sharing too much of what was meant for my wife - I saw multitudes ready to help her. I know that it is the same for all of us. We are not able to see beyond the veil, but we are not in this alone. If nothing else, we have a loving Father and Brother ready and willing to help us, and their help is more than a match for our problems.

3) Yesterday I took my wife to the temple. (Can you tell I had a religious experience based on my comments?) My wife and I had to have separate sessions (we have to drive 3 hours to get to the temple and we don't have any babysitters there). I struggled with the fact that I couldn't go through with my wife, but otherwise had a good visit. I love feeling clean.


"Ok, so this is the best. This is such an awesome things to read. Thanks for sharing Bro! Well done."
posted at 15:28:22 on March 17, 2015 by maddy
Difficult Night    
"Ok, so it has been a while since I wrote in here but I am still hanging in there. I am 1 week from making 4 months. Since confessing to my wife, I have not had any relapses. I have tried to study scriptures daily (recently I have struggled waking up early enough), I have been going to AR meetings (due to a substitute and work schedule I have missed 3 weeks now). I have been doing well but tonight I am struggling. You see, I work at a fire station and don't always get to pick what is on tv. Today my LT decided to watch an HBO series that routinely has nudity. I walked out only to be told that I was "missing all the action." I don't believe that they would understand my commitment to only look at my wife that way.
Tonight, I walked in to the station's living room to grab my phone (to call my wife) and even though my Lt had gone to bed. He had left the TV on and a porno was playing. I was trying to avoid seeing that. I didn't linger. But I really want to look up more. I won't. Reading this site helps remember the pain and suffering my wife is going through. I want to earn her trust back. I am frustrated that I have not looked at porn for almost 4 months now and I accidentally see it at work. It is not my fault and I didn't sin but I was tempted. I feel better now. I guess I just needed to vent. Not tonight Satan!"
posted at 01:23:26 on May 23, 2015 by SWarrior
"One day at a time....that is all we can give. One more day. "Today i will stay sober." Again, well done.

I have a random question.... aren't fire departments funded through tax money? I don't have a problem paying for t.v. for our on call civil servants are watching over us like our firemen do....but I am a little disturbed that my tax dollars might be going to pornos.

Like I said, it's a side point but if you could correct me if I am wrong, that would be great."
posted at 17:32:52 on May 23, 2015 by Anonymous
"Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm grateful to you and every other man who finds the strength to look away/walk away when faced with things like that, & I'm sure your wife is too. It's a tough world we live in, but I know that Elisha was totally right when he said "they that be with us are more than they that be with them"!"
posted at 13:12:07 on May 24, 2015 by Anonymous
"THOUGHT: I use the term porno loosely. I'm not sure what was showing but HBO has plenty of inappropriate content. I didn't linger to see what it was. My union pays for the tv and cable. We don't subscribe to any of the strictly porn channels."
posted at 06:52:05 on August 16, 2015 by SWARRIOR
6 months now...    
"I have been clean for over 6 months now. I haven't looked at porn once since I confessed to my Bishop. Satan has been picking away at me recently and I thought I would come here. I feel very distant from my wife right now. I am not sure how to help her. I hate my father for introducing porn to me (even though he did it unknowingly). I won't be that man to my kids. I hate porn. I trust that the Lord can fix my marriage. I am trying to walk in His footsteps."
posted at 07:03:22 on August 16, 2015 by SWARRIOR
I never know what to put as a title    
"Hey Thanks for the shout out man. I am a fan of yours! So right back at ya!

You know I am a big believer that the desire to go back to our addiction often comes from a wound or stress in our life. Addiction is often a coping's just an unhealthy one. So if you are getting hit hard these days I would take some time to re evaluate what's going on in your life and try to get at the root of the problem.

Sometimes the issue can be boredom or an overall feeling of being in funk. It's just a weird dark place. Sometimes it is a big change in life, both good or bad. It can be money or job or self esteem or relationship problems. It can be anything. But my point is simply, whatever it is, when you get at the very root of the problem you can make a conscious choice to make a plan to handle the real problem in a healthy way and then follow through. If you just try and treat the addiction then we are only picking at the leaves of the weed. Anyway, that's my .02 on the issue with Satan knocking on your door a bit these days.

Now to the real point: CONGRATS and way to go on 6 months sobriety. Here's a virtual yellow chip of victory!!!"
posted at 15:23:57 on August 17, 2015 by maddy
A bit more...    
"I am thankful for the strength the Lord has given me. My marriage is getting better and we can see a future. I hate that I put my wife through this last year. I still struggle at times, but the struggles are shorter and less often. I truly hate porn. I hate what it did to me and what it does to those involved. I'm trying to become more like my Savior, and I know that requires depth of character. I love the closeness these changes have brought to my relationship with God and my wife. I still have a long way to go in both relationships but I am on my way."
posted at 10:24:50 on December 2, 2015 by SWarrior
"Great to hear your progress!. that is so cool that you abhore p@rn. I look back at my own feelings and emotions and actions from the time you were writing and i see also a major change in my life, but that there is still a large room for improvement. What I think i have learned is an ability to try a little harder, but also to let myself be okay and make mistakes and not get too worried about the slides backward, keep up that great work"
posted at 09:47:37 on December 3, 2015 by sjanderson1

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"You lived with your Heavenly Father in a premortal life. You were there with Him. Your spirit knows what it is like to live in celestial realms. You can never be truly happy in an uncelestial environment. You know too much. That is one of the reasons that for you, wickedness never can be happiness. What a great thing it is to decide once and for all early in life what you will do and what you will not do with regards to honesty, modesty, chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and temple marriage. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006